I've been pondering a lot lately, the idea of lasting, even everlasting, love. I always thought that once you loved someone, truly and wholly, that love never fades. So I wonder, if you felt love for someone and then you don't, does that mean you never truly loved them in the first place?
I can easily, with no doubts in my mind or heart, say that I love the two friends I've reconnected with this year. I have always loved them, and will always love them. When you are apart for so many years, but never stop thinking of that person, and then you are back again in each others lives and you have the same feelings you did, yes, that is a true and lasting love. And it warms the cockles. I feel happy when I think of them (and others too, but right now I'm focused on this reconnection phenomenon). I'm not talking about romantic love although I'm not sure there should be different distinctions when you talk about love.
But right now I am finding that I do not feel love for someone I thought I did. Does it mean there never was love? Or it was mistaken for something else? Or is there only so much lies, deception and betrayal someone can take before they lose that love. I thought it was true. I thought it was whole. I felt a connection that I couldn't really explain. It seemed so fated for us to meet and become friends. It seemed so right, even though everyone I knew told me it was so very wrong. The warnings I received from so many people feel on deaf ears because I knew in my heart that we were meant to be friends, friends for life. I ignored smaller deceptions because in the big scheme of things they didn't seem important. But when the big pain hit, it changed things. Things would never be the same. Some pains are just too deep. And while I have received an apology, twice, it doesn't change the fact that it happened and that it didn't have to happen. It was avoidable.
I have forgiven. I have to. I can't hold on to that type of anger. But I can't forget how it felt to have my heart ripped out of my chest. Maybe the pain is still too fresh and that will fade too. I've said before that I have no regrets, and I don't. I like to think I meant something, even though it's over now. I have to believe something positive came out of it for both of us. But it doesn't answer the question... does love last forever? And if it does, where is the love I once felt now?