I've come to the end of my several weeks of angst. This particular several weeks of angst, I should clarify. I'm sure I'll have more in the future. But this particular dilemma, trauma, whatever you want to call it, is now over. It's hard to look at the time I spent on someone as a waste. I do not think of it as a waste. I think that people come into our lives at certain times to fill a need, or you fill a need for them. And I think we absolutely did that for each other. I'm not sure I can say the friendship is over, because I'm not sure it ever will be completely over. But I do see it with much more clarity now, meaning I have accepted that I'll never really know what happened and have decided to move the fuck on.
I've been reflecting on a lot of things lately, writing in my Bite Me book. What can I say, I get introspective from time to time (to time). What I have been thinking about is how certain people come into your life and how others come back into your life after long periods of absence. My pain filled tirades of late have given way to something completely different and unexpected. A few days ago, I felt the closure I needed from that situation, the most closure I'll get anyway and I am as over it as I will ever be. And that same night the man and I went out with R, an old beau of mine, to see an old friend of ours band. And as that night went on, I realized I was out with two guys I have known over 25 years, watching another friend I've known even longer. And it put so much in perspective.
At one point, R said to me, "isn't it cool that all these years later we can still hang out together?" And the answer is, it's amazing. R and I have been in touch, here and there for about 10 years or so, but before that we hadn't been in touch for over 10 years. And now it's quite possible that we will remain in touch again. We had a great time and are looking forward to hanging out some more. It was the first time we have gone out together in probably about 23 or so years. We did run into each other about 9 months ago but it wasn't a planned get together. This was planned and it was nice, fun, oh fuck who am I kidding... it totally fucking rocked!
I got to wondering what brings people back into your life after a long absence? And I think the answer is that everyone is looking for something familiar. R and I did not have a falling out at all, we just drifted. It happens. And so introspection begets introspection and wonder begets wonder. When I reconnected with TM, who incidentally is the friend who's band we went to see. TM and I talked about everything and how much we had thought about each other or told others stories about things we had done together. So I knew that TM had been thinking about me over the years the way I had been thinking about him. With R, who knows. I'm not sure it matters, but I'll guess yes, he has thought of me over the years. Fondly I might add. If not, why even bother starting a friendship again? I have certainly thought about him, and have written about him here several times. He is someone I have always cared about. Not taking away anything from the friends I have made since then, the friends you make when you are at the pinnacle of your life are always the best ones aren't they? What I mean is, in those formative years, the people who are around you at those times are the ones you tend to gravitate back to. Because they are familiar. Because they were with you when. Because they know you inside and out and they get it, they get who you are. Because you know, without a shred of doubt they care about you and always will. It's like what Richard Dreyfuss as adult Gordie said in the movie Stand by Me... "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?" For me, I've never had any friends like the ones I had when I was in my early 20's.
I have some amazing friends in my life now. Of course I do, L, and L, and R, and A, and my PBAU peeps and the gardeners and my SLUTS (don't ask). And I love them, they've been there for me when I needed them and I hope I have done the same in return. And now, even if another 20 years goes by and I never speak to R, TM, or M I know without any uncertainty that I matter to them. I know it about others too. And knowing that means everything. And now I have it, for all eternity in print. And when I feel like I am unworthy of someone, or have a situation like what happened recently happen again (which I hope it never does!), I can come here and see how much I really do have and how blessed I am.