Wednesday, November 11, 2015

A Bit Discouraged

My faithful 3 or 4 readers have probably been wondering why I haven't posted an update to the Lose 50 by 50 Challenge I gave to myself.  Well I have nothing to report other than falling off the diet wagon.  It sucks.  It feels so good to lose and to weigh myself and see loss.  And then to fall off so epically is just sad.  Sad sad sad!!!   Now granted, I had a few occasions to celebrate and they included going out and living it up.  You're allowed to do that, even on a diet. You can have special occasions.  You can cheat occasionally.  But you can't just keep cheating.  I feel like I've done that, in the "what's one more burger going to do?" kind of way.  And then I beat myself up and feel like shit and then find something to eat.  It's a viscous cycle.

I know now that I will not make it to 50 by 50.  I only have a little over 2 months to go and it's just not possible.  But I am going to try for 30 by 50!   Giving up completely is not an option.  After a visit to the doctor this week, I was told again that I should lose a few... well more than a few.  So the importance of this for my health will be a driving factor, in addition to the cute clothes I want to fit into.  Sadly, cute clothes is probably a bigger motivator, but that's neither here nor there.  Whatever works right!?   So it's time to jump back on the wagon... here we go!

Saturday, September 26, 2015

A New Day, A New Attitude

My meltdown of a week ago is behind me.  I decided that dress was not meant to be... from the backorder, to the broken zipper, to a tear in the bodice (that I didn't even notice when I wrote my last entry).  It's sad because I loved that dress so much but it is what it is. And I won't be going out shopping for another one.  I will just make due with something I already have in my closet.  I'm just not at a point where I can buy something dressy and feel good in it yet.  I'm ok with that.  As my friend T so eloquently said to me this week...  
"We (myself included) tend to forget that weight loss/gain is a LOT like credit card debt. No one runs up $40,000 of credit card debt in just one year. It happens over a long period of time. You can't expect to pay off that much debt in just 6 months. Same with weight. You'll get there, I have faith."

I needed that reminder (although I think if I tried really hard, I could wrack up a $40,000 debt in one year on Fluevog's alone lol), thanks so much for that T and for everyone who messaged me or commented on my FB page. You all really did make me feel better after I spent a few days feeling like shit and beating the hell out of myself for not being where I want to be at this point in my challenge. I've been avoiding the scale and just feeling down about it all... the diet, some family stuff and other dramas that came out of nowhere. But if you know me, you know I can't be Debbie Downer for too long. It's just not me. I like to laugh too much. So I regrouped, tried very hard this week and discovered today that I am at a total of 12 lbs. lost! I was hoping to be closer to 20 lbs. lost at this point but I'll take it. In fact I'm pretty fucking thrilled. Onward and upward! I have 112 more days until the big day. I don't know that I can reach the goal but I'm going to give it my all! That's all I can really do right?

Monday, September 21, 2015

Emotions and Setbacks

You know that time you were on a diet and felt so good about it... so good that you couldn't wait to weigh yourself the coming week?  Yeah well my warm fuzzies about this diet have all but disappeared.  I've had some setbacks emotionally.  My attitude has changed a bit and I just don't feel as good about my progress as I was.

But then the big blow happened.  I decided to order a dress I've been eying online, to wear to the man's nieces wedding in October.  I even ordered it a size that I thought was too big so it can be altered.  I've been eying this dress a long long time.  And then it seemed to take a long time to get it. I contacted the company about it and they said it was backordered (um, a notice about that would have been nice).  But it seemed as though the backorder wouldn't be too long and I'd still have it in time for the wedding and if it needed alterations.

Well, the dress arrived today.  It arrived with a broken zipper, and even with the broken zipper, I tried to try it on.  Not going to happen.  There was no way this dress was going to get on my body, broken zipper or not.  And that is an emotional kick in the gut.  Especially when you think 1) you're doing so well and b) you bought it a size too big.

So now the dress goes back and I refuse.... REFUSE, to up the size.  I won't do it.  It's too mentally devastating when you're trying to make that number go down, to have to instead have it go up.  It hurts.  This now is reminding me of the time I was looking for a dress for my brothers wedding and I had crying jag after crying jag in dressing rooms of stores because that fucking number of a size devastates me so completely.

The funny thing is, most of the time I feel pretty good about myself.  Most of the time I think I'm pretty friggin hot in fact.  Today I feel like the fattest, ugliest person on the planet.  And all because of a number on dress with broken zipper, and I didn't even break it!

Monday, September 7, 2015

Is It So Wrong?

Here is a lose 50 by 50 update... I have lost a total of 8.2 lbs.  It's been a little over a month and I had hoped to average about 10 lbs. a month, but I'm not complaining!  It's been difficult.  Mainly because.....

Is it's so wrong that I like food?   I love cooking, baking, creating and eating.  I love going out to eat and trying new things and new places.  Why do these loves have to reflect on my waistline?  Why can't I be one of those people who can have whatever they want and never gain an ounce?  Eh, I'm not so instead I have to shhh.... diet

Honestly though, it hasn't been too bad.  I kind of get lost sometimes for lunch.  I mean really, how many salads can you eat?  I like salad and all, I just get bored with them after while.  

The truth is, I'm excited about this diet.  I feel good about it.  I don't feel like I'm putting too much pressure on myself.  But I did make one very drastic error that took the wind out of my sails for several days.  I was staying at my brother's for a few days while he and my sis in law were out of town, taking care of the dogs and the house.  The diet was just fine.  But without thinking I stepped on the scale in their bathroom.  I fell into an immediate funk because their scale was about 3 lbs heavier than mine, so it showed me at a rather substantial gain while I've been killing myself to eat healthy.  I just wanted to cry.  

It took several people talking me off the ledge and my own eventual realization that everyone has their own way of cheating, er, dieting.  And just because their scale read a certain way didn't make it so.  But when I came home I was too afraid to get on the scale so I waited a few days.  By then I was down and felt much better about it.   Lesson learned.  My scale, and my scale only!

I've been a little bad this weekend, it being a holiday weekend and all with cook outs and people visiting and all that stuff.  But hey, you have to cheat once in awhile.  I firmly believe that if you deprive yourself too much, you will only crave those things more and then you're in real trouble.   So I refuse to beat myself up over a little blip.  As Scarlett so famously said, "after all, tomorrow is another day!"

I leave today with the biggest words of wisdom I have ever read...

Monday, August 24, 2015

She's Alive... ALIVE!!

Friday night I went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland to see the documentary about the band The Damned, "Don't You Wish We Were Dead".   It was the only area screening of the film, it was about a band I love, and it was free.  What more could anyone ask for?  I'd been looking forward to this night for weeks.  The man even wanted to go.  Shocking I know.  The man has made it his life mission to never experience anything outside of Akron ever again, or at least it seems like.

From the moment we parked the car I knew it was going to be a great night.  I even found a rare, lucky free street spot near the Rock Hall, further solidifying that this is going to be a great night.  We took our seats, our friend V having come with us, and very soon a representative from the Rock Hall came out to speak for a few minutes, then he introduced the director, Wes Orshoski, who also spoke briefly.  Now it's time for the movie!

The movie was fantastic!  I loved ever single minute of it.  The attention to detail, the flow, the personalities, the history, and the music... oh my god, the music!   And while the outcome of the movie is a little sad, this fan was left very very happy with the experience.

But it's the aftermath that compelled to write today.  Being out, in Cleveland, the city I love, being a part of the music scene I love.  This is what it's about.  This is what makes me feel alive.  I didn't run into anyone I knew at the movie.  I didn't need to.  I just needed to be there, and feel all the feels.   And experience the music.  Be out.  Be involved.  Enjoy life.  It's times like these that I never feel more alive.  It may seem like a large reaction to just going to a movie, but it's part of a bigger picture. That feeling of being alive, it gives me peace as well as piece of mind in knowing that the decisions I have made for myself, the actions I'm going to take, are the right ones.  I'm addicted to feeling alive.  I crave the feeling.  I want it more and more.   So I have to ask myself again... if not now, when?  The answer is now.  Taking my life back is the best thing I ever did.

Thursday, August 13, 2015


My lose 50 by 50 Diet officially commenced on August 3.  I had planned on starting it earlier than that but life gets in the way what with birthdays, graduations and all kinds of other events. Unfortunately the diet kind of got shoved off to the side.

But I'm in it to win it now and it's going rather well.  In fact I'm quite proud of myself.  I've dieted many many times before and for some reason, this time it feels different.  Maybe because of the goal. Lose 50 by 50 has a nice ring to it.  I like it. And I have another goal in mind, one that would lead to the same time frame.  I'm going to leave it at that for now, but suffice it to say it involves a dream of mine, and one that I want to make a reality around my birthday.  

And in that amount of time... 10 days to be exact, I have lost 6.6 pounds.  It feels good!   Losing makes me happy.  Stepping on the scale in anticipation instead of dread is an amazing feeling. I've been using the help of an app called MyFitnessPal.  It works a lot like Weight Watchers, where you are accountable for everything you eat.  But it also calculates your activity and gives you more calories for the day based on how much you move.  It's a handy little tool.   And it's free.

For the most part, I am following the aforementioned advice by my friend and dieting quietly (aside from telling all the world via this blog that is... or the 15 or so that read it anyway ha).  I don't make a big deal about it, I don't post about it on Facebook, I just go about my biz and quietly (hopefully) continue to lose weight.

I feel excited for the first time in a long time... goals are a good thing to have.  And while my work life is only slightly improved, my personal life is kind of in the shitter, I'm still feeling good.  I'm doing more for myself.  I came to the realization a few years ago, as I watched life passing me by, that if not now...when?  The answer is now.  I'm fabulous and I plan on living my life to reflect it!

Join me on the journey!   We're going to have a blast!!!!   

Monday, July 13, 2015

Lose 50 by 50

I don't want to be 50.  I know, I know... I've heard all the dialog.  "It's better than the alternative"  "50 is the new 40"  "You don't look 50"  and on and on and on.  Doesn't change the fact that I don't want to be 50.  I don't feel like I could possibly be that old.  I still listen to all the same music.  I still dress the same way.  I'm still a sarcastic asshole most of the time!

50 sounds so foreboding.  It sounds old. It's half a century.  More than half my life is over.  And saying it like that, more than half my life is over, makes me want to cry.   But I'm not here today to get all sadly introspective about the things I haven't done in my life yet.  I am here to talk about a goal I've set for myself.  I have until January 16, 2016 to lose 50 pounds.  Lose 50 by 50.  That's my battle cry!

It's not going to be easy.  I like to eat.  Sometimes it feels like one of the few joys I have left.  I love to cook and bake.  I love to go out and try new restaurants and revisit old faves.  But I've lost weight successfully before and I know I can do it again.  And I will do it sensibly.  I will not go on a no carb plan.  Nor will I go on an all one specific thing diet.  The only way I have ever been successful is to eat sensibly and move as much as possible.

A good friend of mine always told me that to diet successfully, diet quietly.  And I think that makes a lot of sense.  Telling everyone you know that you're on a diet is a recipe for failure.  And then when/if you do fail, you know they know you failed.  Whereas if you don't tell a soul, and you just go about your business of dieting, if you fail, only you know but when you're successful, it's a celebration. And with that in mind, why am I telling you here?  Well maybe about 4 or 5 people read my blog so I'll just deal with it.  And I want to chart my successes and failures.  I'm taking you on this journey with me so strap on your seat belts!

I think 50 by 50 is attainable.  At least, at this moment, right now, I feel optimistic about it.  As optimistic as someone as cynical as I can be anyway.  And if you want to join me in this journey, all the better.  Dieting sucks.  Watching what you eat blows.  But being fat is even worse.

Friday, June 19, 2015

My Brain Hurts

When things happen in this country that I have trouble understanding, I do my best to view it from all angles.  It's the way I live my life.  Nothing is ever simple.  Nothing is ever cut and dry so you have to be able to look at things through another lens.  If you don't, then you're part of the problem.

The latest mass shooting in Charleston once again brings up all the same issues.... Black vs. white.  Liberal vs. Conservative.  Gun Control vs. No gun control.  Media vs. Reader.  Religion vs. Atheism.  Politician vs. Citizen.  And that's the thing in this country, it seems you have to have an enemy.

If you're not Religious then you're wrong and you're a heathen and you're going to hell.  Or if you're not an Atheist then you believe in fairy tales and you're brainwashed.  If you think either of those ways, you're part of the problem.

There is a ton of crime in this country.  Tons.  And there are no racial boundaries to it.  There's black on black, white on white, black on white, white on black.  And that doesn't even scratch the surface or crime that centers around race.  There's crime that has nothing to do with race.  People are just hateful and evil and not necessarily any kind of racist.  No discrimination, they just hate everyone.  But there is no denying that there is a race problem in this country.  And if you don't understand that, then you're part of the problem.

You may not experience it, you may not see it.  That doesn't mean racism doesn't exist.  I am one of the people who doesn't see racism in my life.  I'm lucky.  I live in a predominantly black neighborhood.  We are the only white family on our block.  Not once in 14 years have I had any kind of problem with race.  I've never felt threatened or afraid.  I have had the best neighbors I've had of anywhere I've lived.  I feel completely at ease and feel like no around me cares that I'm white.   And yes, I do feel lucky to be in this environment because growing up was not like that.  I lived in a neighborhood where white flight took hold of everyone on our street.

And now, because of Charleston and some whackadoodle with a gun, all the same dialog starts all over again.  So here is what I believe....
  1. If you use terms like Wingnut or Libtard, you're part of the problem.
  2. If you think all Conservatives think one way and all Liberals think one way, you're part of the problem.
  3. If you believe everything Rush Limbaugh or Bill O'Reilly or Bill Maher or Jon Stewart says, you're part of the problem.
  4. If you think racism will go away if we ignore it, you're part of the problem.
  5. If you think racism doesn't exist, you're part of the problem.
  6. If you think having a Republican in office will change everything, you're part of the problem.
  7. If you think having a Democrat in office will change everything, you're part of the problem.

I'm tired of all the bullshit.  It's no secret that my leanings are Liberal, but I look at the big picture.
Yes I believe in gay rights, I believe in equal rights for all actually.  And I believe racism exists.  I do not follow a religion anymore but I am not an atheist.  I think sensitivity has gotten way out of hand and find it absurd how easily people are offended by the stupidest things.  I have said for many many years, I do not offend very easily.... unless you abuse someone (child, adult, elderly) or an animal. That offends me greatly.   I believe in a woman's right to chose.  

I'm really truly exhaustedly tired by the us against them mentality in this country.  It doesn't matter anymore who holds the office of President because what has to happen no matter who it is, is that we have to work together.  Democrat/Republican, white/black, Religious/Atheist.  There is no one way. We have to come together as a unified people and work to make this country greater than ever. Working against the leaders is counter productive.  And if you don't get that, then you're part of the problem.

And just so you know, I don't think I'm above it all.  I'm pretty sure I'm part of the problem, somewhere/somehow.