Tuesday, August 27, 2013

It is to Laugh...

Someone recently insinuated to me that I'm selfish.  In fact the words used were, "it's all about you."  And when it was said I laughed.   Then I thought about it.  Then I was filled with self doubt for a little while.  Then I questioned everything.  And then, then... I sat back and laughed uproariously until there were tears streaming down my face.

Selfish.  I may be be a lot of things, but selfish isn't one of them.  Although it is true that I am actually trying to think more about myself, what I want and how to get it.  Is that selfish?   I guess it could be looked at that way although the comment wasn't prompted by these things.  At any rate, I did laugh it off and I will continue to laugh it off.  Because it's not true.  And the person who said it can go fuck himself.

Over the past couple of years, I've realized that I have put myself and what I want on the back burner in order to do whatever needs to be done for other people.  Whether it be the man, the parents, or friends.  I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing but when you lose yourself in the process it does become a problem.  And now that my eyes are open to it, I want to change it.  And by changing it, I have ended up alienating some people.  Why?  Because they want to continue to have the Lalia they know, the one that will accommodate them and their needs and not the Lalia who realized she's a badass chick who needs to embrace the badass and enjoy her freakin life!  I haven't enjoyed my life for so many years.  Which is not to say I haven't have times of enjoyment, I have.  But have I truly enjoyed my life?  No.  And I'm not getting any younger so if not now, when?  So if you don't like it, fuck you.  Be as supportive as I've been of you or get the fuck out of my life.

It frustrates me that I cannot find a job.  I try not to think about it in terms of... "if I get a job, everything will be better."  I don't know that to be true but I do know that getting a job will give me a better feeling of independence and self sufficience.  And at this point, that is something I desperately need.  I hate that I can't make things happen faster.  I've been looking for a job for over a year.  I know this isn't unusual these days and people who have worked steadily have trouble finding work.   I haven't been in the work force for about 12 years so that makes it even more difficult.  But I will find a job.  It's just moving too damn slow and patience is not a quality I possess.

All I can do is continue to try.  Send out resumes, make contacts, and enjoy life being a badass.  And that's what I intend to do!