Tuesday, August 27, 2013

It is to Laugh...

Someone recently insinuated to me that I'm selfish.  In fact the words used were, "it's all about you."  And when it was said I laughed.   Then I thought about it.  Then I was filled with self doubt for a little while.  Then I questioned everything.  And then, then... I sat back and laughed uproariously until there were tears streaming down my face.





Selfish.  I may be be a lot of things, but selfish isn't one of them.  Although it is true that I am actually trying to think more about myself, what I want and how to get it.  Is that selfish?   I guess it could be looked at that way although the comment wasn't prompted by these things.  At any rate, I did laugh it off and I will continue to laugh it off.  Because it's not true.  And the person who said it can go fuck himself.

Over the past couple of years, I've realized that I have put myself and what I want on the back burner in order to do whatever needs to be done for other people.  Whether it be the man, the parents, or friends.  I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing but when you lose yourself in the process it does become a problem.  And now that my eyes are open to it, I want to change it.  And by changing it, I have ended up alienating some people.  Why?  Because they want to continue to have the Lalia they know, the one that will accommodate them and their needs and not the Lalia who realized she's a badass chick who needs to embrace the badass and enjoy her freakin life!  I haven't enjoyed my life for so many years.  Which is not to say I haven't have times of enjoyment, I have.  But have I truly enjoyed my life?  No.  And I'm not getting any younger so if not now, when?  So if you don't like it, fuck you.  Be as supportive as I've been of you or get the fuck out of my life.

It frustrates me that I cannot find a job.  I try not to think about it in terms of... "if I get a job, everything will be better."  I don't know that to be true but I do know that getting a job will give me a better feeling of independence and self sufficience.  And at this point, that is something I desperately need.  I hate that I can't make things happen faster.  I've been looking for a job for over a year.  I know this isn't unusual these days and people who have worked steadily have trouble finding work.   I haven't been in the work force for about 12 years so that makes it even more difficult.  But I will find a job.  It's just moving too damn slow and patience is not a quality I possess.

All I can do is continue to try.  Send out resumes, make contacts, and enjoy life being a badass.  And that's what I intend to do!

12 comments:

  1. If you are selfish then I am Lady Gaga. You are the last person I'd ever call selfish. I will say, though, I love how if you want something you go for it and just do it. But that's becuase you are Italian, and you rock. <3 you.

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  2. You're not selfish. If you were selfish, you wouldn't care how injurious your behavior might be as long as you satisfied yourself. You're a generous soul, Kathy.

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  3. You know what: I am sick and tired of people judging others, especially when it is done in such an insidious manner. I think that actions speak louder than words: keep doing what you are doing and ignore such comments.

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    1. Sick of all the judgy people too. In the end, they aren't worth the time spent fretting about them.

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  4. You reminded me of this Ally McBeal scene / dialogue between Ally and Georgia:
    G: Ally, what makes your problems bigger than everyone else's?
    A: Because they're mine.

    Hhahaha! Yes, and so what if you truly were selfish? Is it really so bad to think of oneself? To put ourselves first? Don't they say put the oxygen mask on ourselves first before others?

    Just keep on your journey and ignore the negative people! Best of luck, Kathy!

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    1. That Ally quote is so true Joy!
      Thanks xoxo

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  5. You had it right - people who are alienated because you've started to think about you first - you don't need those people in your life. It reminds me of a quote which vaguely says "Don't be a afraid to let your light shine, by shining you give others unconscious permission to shine themselves" (something like that). So stay true to you.

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