It is to Laugh...

Someone recently insinuated to me that I'm selfish.  In fact the words used were, "it's all about you."  And when it was said I laughed.   Then I thought about it.  Then I was filled with self doubt for a little while.  Then I questioned everything.  And then, then... I sat back and laughed uproariously until there were tears streaming down my face.

Selfish.  I may be be a lot of things, but selfish isn't one of them.  Although it is true that I am actually trying to think more about myself, what I want and how to get it.  Is that selfish?   I guess it could be looked at that way although the comment wasn't prompted by these things.  At any rate, I did laugh it off and I will continue to laugh it off.  Because it's not true.  And the person who said it can go fuck himself.

Over the past couple of years, I've realized that I have put myself and what I want on the back burner in order to do whatever needs to be done for other people.  Whether it be the man, the parents, or friends.  I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing but when you lose yourself in the process it does become a problem.  And now that my eyes are open to it, I want to change it.  And by changing it, I have ended up alienating some people.  Why?  Because they want to continue to have the Lalia they know, the one that will accommodate them and their needs and not the Lalia who realized she's a badass chick who needs to embrace the badass and enjoy her freakin life!  I haven't enjoyed my life for so many years.  Which is not to say I haven't have times of enjoyment, I have.  But have I truly enjoyed my life?  No.  And I'm not getting any younger so if not now, when?  So if you don't like it, fuck you.  Be as supportive as I've been of you or get the fuck out of my life.

It frustrates me that I cannot find a job.  I try not to think about it in terms of... "if I get a job, everything will be better."  I don't know that to be true but I do know that getting a job will give me a better feeling of independence and self sufficience.  And at this point, that is something I desperately need.  I hate that I can't make things happen faster.  I've been looking for a job for over a year.  I know this isn't unusual these days and people who have worked steadily have trouble finding work.   I haven't been in the work force for about 12 years so that makes it even more difficult.  But I will find a job.  It's just moving too damn slow and patience is not a quality I possess.

All I can do is continue to try.  Send out resumes, make contacts, and enjoy life being a badass.  And that's what I intend to do!

And So It Begins...

This Friday I have my first job interview in over 10 years.  Quite honestly, I cannot even believe it's happening.  I haven't been looking all that long, I haven't applied to too many places and I've had a very defeatist attitude about it.  My reality is that I have not worked outside my home for 11 years.  I do not have a very professional look.  My skills are rusty.  This doesn't exactly sound like the makings of a good job candidate IMO.  My friends kept telling me to be confident.  That any company would be lucky to have me.  That my life experience over the past 11 years is invaluable.  I kind of thought they were blowing smoke up my ass!  But maybe it worked.  I started to see things a little differently.

And then a miracle happens.  After only about 3 or 4 weeks of looking, company saw my resume online and actually wants to meet with me.  It's an interesting business and it's in my ideal location.  I have an interview on Friday.  I'm absolutely terrified!

I haven't been in an office setting for so long and when I was it was so laid back.  In fact, it was just me and one other person and most of the time she traveled so I was alone.  I loved it.  Quite frankly if that office hadn't been closed down I might even still be there.  Eh, maybe not.  I think I would have had to eventually branch out and discover myself.   But that's besides the point.  I'm talking about the here and the now.  And the now is, that I have a job interview.  On Friday.  And I have 3 days left to prepare myself.  I need clothes to hide visible tattoo's.  I need to familiarize myself with the company.  I need to find a portfolio in my room of crap and make a few copies of my resume to have on hand.  I need to calm the fuck down and take everyone's advice and just go in and be myself.

It's my first interview and I don't expect it to equate to actually getting a job.  I suppose stranger things have happened, but it seems unlikely.  I guess that's probably the wrong attitude to have as well so I will have to adjust that mindset by Friday too.

I've discovered so many things I want in life over the past year... well discovered is probably the wrong word, it's more like realized or even let myself finally think about those things, and the first step in getting what I want is getting a job.  Once I have it, then plans can be made and things can start happening.  It's an exciting time, a scary time, and OMG a seriously amazing time in my life right now.  The biggest thing that I have realized through all this self discovery is, it's not too late!

Laying Low

I've been quiet lately.   Very quiet, which is kind of strange for me really.  I'm sure many have noticed.  I'd notice if I wasn't me.  It's not conscious or purposeful, it just is.  Maybe my mind is so overloaded with things right now that I don't know what to say so instead say nothing?  That could be. 

So much in my life has changed over the past 4 or 5 years and things keep on changing.  Some things are coming full circle, others are growing and evolving, and still others are coming to an end.  It's kind of scary and exciting all rolled into one.  There are days when I am so happy and so excited about what lies ahead that I can't even contain myself.  I burst with joy.  Then there are days when I feel sad about what I'm leaving behind.  Some of my decisions might be wrong, not what someone else would do, or end up being a disappointment to family or friends.  But the thing is, I'm 46 years old and I cannot live my life based on how others will react to what I am doing.  It's not who I am.  I can't live my life for someone else.  I can only live for me.  If that sounds selfish, so be it, but that isn't the intent.  The intent is to make myself happy.  If I can't do that, who will?  No one. 

So often I've felt judged by people, judged on how I write, judged on how I look, judged on a decision I make.  Judged by people I know, love or don't know at all.  And I don't like that feeling.  No one does.  It makes you second guess yourself and if I've learned nothing else in my 4+ decades on this earth, it's to trust my own instincts. 

I've joked to many that I think I'm going through a midlife crisis, but I don't really think that at all.  It's funny to say it, but no.  I don't believe that's it.  I think that so much has happened that I have woken up to the fact that I don't have all the time in the world anymore.  That differences that never used to matter, now seem to.  That even though I never ever imagined I'd be here, that it feels so good and natural and maybe even how it should be.  That the things I want, they matter and no one but me can make them happen.  It might be a bumpy ride, but anything worthwhile is going to be. 

I Cry

I cry when I'm sad
I cry when I'm happy
I cry when I miss you
I cry when I fail
I cry when I succeed
I cry when I feel lost
I cry when I feel loved
I cry when I feel rejected
I cry when I'm broke
I cry when I'm lucky
I cry when I mourn
I cry when I'm joyous
I cry when I don't know what to do
I cry when I don't know who to turn to
I cry when I'm lonely
I cry when I'm overwhelmed
I cry when I'm tired
I cry when life is good
I cry more when life is bad
I cry a fucking lot.

Anger

My anger at times overwhelms me.  And right now it is.  My anger at being the one who has to field 5 am phone calls and go to the hospital.   Does that sound selfish?  Because it feels selfish.  Does it sound ungrateful?  Because it feels ungrateful.  My anger grows as my dad's health, which is poor and will only get worse as his and my mom's need to have me do anything and everything I can for them grows.  I feel like shit for being angry.  I feel guilty.  But the anger grows.  I can't stop it.  And I shut down because I know if I don't my anger will explode forth and unleash a lot that can never be taken back.  Things like, "if you had listened to the doctors and followed their instructions, some of this wouldn't be happening!"  Things like, "I can't be everywhere and I can't be everything to everyone."   Things like, "Call someone else next time, I'm trying to live a life here too ya know?"  And the sheer fact that these things are in my head sends me though massive cycles of guilt. 

In one moment I think that I should just suck it up and deal because the alternative is so much worse.  And then I think, is it?  Is it really worse?  I'm not saying I want my dad to die.  But he is going to, eventually.  One of these times when he is taken to the hospital yet again, it's going to be the last time.  Isn't it better to just close your eyes and not wake up than to continue this game of what the hell can go wrong next?  Guilt.  Selfish.  I'm the worst person, the worst daughter in the world because I do think these things.  And I don't think them because he was never there for me, ever my whole life.  I don't think them because we had no relationship at all until I was in my 30's.  I don't think them because he spent my childhood drunk and never spoke to me at all.  I think them because I'm angry. 

I'm so fucking angry.  And I'm tired.   I never thought I would be this tired in my life.   But sleep doesn't come.  Guilt eats away at me and I lie awake and let it consume me.  Guilt for these feelings, guilt for other feelings, guilt because I want to leave.  I want to run away.  Start fresh.  Have a new life.  I want it.  I can taste it.  And I'm trapped by my guilt.  I'm stuck in place.  All I can do is dream and wish.  Wish I was anywhere but here.  Wish I had the guts to leave it all behind.  Wish I had the drive and means to make my own wishes come true.  Instead, I'm here.  Angry.  Tired.  Tearful.

Me Myself I

I am a woman but I have never roared.
I'm horny.
I think you're awesome.
I love zebras.
I want a dog.
I'm working for the Clampdown.
I'm the fifth Ramone.
I'm pretty cool.
I'm a huge dork.
I love artichokes.
I am creative.
I'm Italian.
I'm Polish (but we don't talk about that)
I love my hair.
I love my tattoos.
I never went to college but I'm still fucking smart.
I need you in my life.
I love Halloween.
I hate looking at myself.
I want you here with me.
I have secrets even my BFF's don't know.
I need more sleep.
I need more sex.
I can't stand liars.
I have no idea if this feedburner thing is working.
I love to cook.
I'm painfully honest, always.
I will not leave you.
I am beautiful.
I think you're a tool.
I secretly really dig my big tits.
I want to succeed.
I want you to succeed.
I think vampires are sexy as hell.
I think the Exorcist was the scariest thing I ever saw.
I can watch The Stand over and over and over (and read it too).
I'm tired.
I'm an orgasm addict.
I want you to be healthy.
I hate oranges.
I am happy.
I love Peter Murphy.
I am sad.
I am confused.
I am self confident.
I can be really stupid sometimes.
I am self conscious.
I think of you often.
I am an artist.
I love baseball.
I love Joe Strummer.
I hate football.
I'm sorry.
I wanna be sedated.
I have cold feet... literally.
I hate myself for loving you.
I love Mike Ness.
I think this is getting too long.
I want to go to Italy.
I hope you know.
I think you're an asshole.
I wish I knew.
I want to stick to a diet.
I have asthma.
I miss my Grandma.
I love my sister but she never has my back.
I wish my parents didn't need me so much.
I want to travel more.
I try not to hate people, but some people make that difficult.
I want more work.
I am going to end this now.
I love you.