I've been quiet lately. Very quiet, which is kind of strange for me really. I'm sure many have noticed. I'd notice if I wasn't me. It's not conscious or purposeful, it just is. Maybe my mind is so overloaded with things right now that I don't know what to say so instead say nothing? That could be.
So much in my life has changed over the past 4 or 5 years and things keep on changing. Some things are coming full circle, others are growing and evolving, and still others are coming to an end. It's kind of scary and exciting all rolled into one. There are days when I am so happy and so excited about what lies ahead that I can't even contain myself. I burst with joy. Then there are days when I feel sad about what I'm leaving behind. Some of my decisions might be wrong, not what someone else would do, or end up being a disappointment to family or friends. But the thing is, I'm 46 years old and I cannot live my life based on how others will react to what I am doing. It's not who I am. I can't live my life for someone else. I can only live for me. If that sounds selfish, so be it, but that isn't the intent. The intent is to make myself happy. If I can't do that, who will? No one.
So often I've felt judged by people, judged on how I write, judged on how I look, judged on a decision I make. Judged by people I know, love or don't know at all. And I don't like that feeling. No one does. It makes you second guess yourself and if I've learned nothing else in my 4+ decades on this earth, it's to trust my own instincts.
I've joked to many that I think I'm going through a midlife crisis, but I don't really think that at all. It's funny to say it, but no. I don't believe that's it. I think that so much has happened that I have woken up to the fact that I don't have all the time in the world anymore. That differences that never used to matter, now seem to. That even though I never ever imagined I'd be here, that it feels so good and natural and maybe even how it should be. That the things I want, they matter and no one but me can make them happen. It might be a bumpy ride, but anything worthwhile is going to be.
Someone very wise one said "The unexamined life is not worth living". You're just living your life.
ReplyDeleteYou are determines, you have ideas of your own and a mind of your own; be proud that you are living it. Things might get tough; but you have to remember that you won't let the tough break you. Carry on, you are living your own life! :)
ReplyDelete"The unexamined life is not worth living": Ralph Waldo Emerson said that!
ReplyDeleteI've noticed, too. But even outgoing, gregarious people need the occasional time to unplug and recharge.
ReplyDeleteSometimes you have to just step back and recharge a bit for what you want to do next. I for one can't wait to see what that is. It's going to be great, just wait and see, everyone! :-) You are a true original and anything you do will always reflect that. Luv's ya XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteDoing what's authentic is often the scariest thing of all. It's risky, it often doesn't make sense to those around us. But if we're not doing what's authentic to us, then we're living someone else's life. You have the strength and determination to pave your own path! Can't wait to hear where it leads you...
ReplyDeleteYou have got to be you and not what others expect you to do. It is easier said than done, but the only way to go! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteFinding your path and following it is an important step in life. Good luck on your chosed path G. xo
ReplyDeleteAnd that would be chosen path, not chosed. :D
ReplyDeleteYes, anything worthwhile is bound to be bumpy. I often think that life has a way of 'waking us up' and more so when we feel our mortality. I guess it's true when they say that our main purpose in life is to be who we are meant to be and to blossom into our highest selves. You are right that no one else is responsible for our happiness. So do what you must. I know it's easier said than done but I also know that in your heart, you have already decided. Hugs to you Lalia. Keep strong.
ReplyDeleteForward motion is the key - just like riding a bicycle.
ReplyDelete