Is that what I'm doing here? Airing my dirty laundry? I don't think so. You who read this blog don't know the half of what goes on in my head. So given that, I think I've been pretty restrained.
Old Rose in the movie Titanic said, "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets," and she was so right. I have secrets. I have secrets only a few know and I have secrets no one knows. Not one living soul. Isn't that what makes women mysterious? Interestingly, I started this blog as an outlet to share memories, stories, and yeah those secrets and yet, I find myself holding back from full disclosure. I've told you plenty, probably more than you ever wanted to know. And I'm sure I still will but some things I really have to keep for me. I want to tell you, I want to talk about different things and I want advice on them more than anything else. But still, I hold back. I'm not exactly sure why. It's not about what people will think of me. Opinions on that subject are already formed and not a concern of mine. I am who I am. I guess maybe I hold back because those things are mine, and mine alone. I write about them in my Bite Me book, which is actually my journal. It's the perfect outlet. If it had a head, it would spin at some of the things I've told it. What will I ever do when I fill up the Bite Me book? Get another one I guess.
I've been writing in it a lot lately. A real lot. It has been awhile since I've experienced such a broken heart like the one I am experiencing now. And my Bite Me book is the perfect place to store that heartache. How do you move past it? That ache you get when someone you care about lets you down. I'm not sure how to move past it and keep the relationship intact. Is it even possible? Should I even want to? That's what I struggle with, the fact that, as hurt as I am, I don't want to lose this person. It gnaws at me. It makes me think I'm a fool. But switching off feelings is not something I find very easy to do. Does wanting to continue the relationship tell this person that hurting me was OK? Does it signify a weakness in me, or a strength that I am trying to get past it and keep the friendship? At the moment I say weakness. I've been down this road. This road of being hurt by someone I cared so much about. I held on and held on and the hurt kept piling up. More and more. When the first hurt happens is it then a game to see how far one can be pushed before they crack into a million pieces?
I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I feel lost. The Bite Me book doesn't answer the questions I have, it just stores them. And I have so many questions. Only one person can answer them and at the moment trusting those answers will be extremely difficult. Good word, trust. Can a trust so violated ever be rebuilt? Maybe my expectations were just too high.
I guess in the big scheme I've pretty much told you nothing. But reading it back the pain is palpable. But when you give your heart to someone, pain is a possibility.