Is that what I'm doing here? Airing my dirty laundry? I don't think so. You who read this blog don't know the half of what goes on in my head. So given that, I think I've been pretty restrained.
Old Rose in the movie Titanic said, "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets," and she was so right. I have secrets. I have secrets only a few know and I have secrets no one knows. Not one living soul. Isn't that what makes women mysterious? Interestingly, I started this blog as an outlet to share memories, stories, and yeah those secrets and yet, I find myself holding back from full disclosure. I've told you plenty, probably more than you ever wanted to know. And I'm sure I still will but some things I really have to keep for me. I want to tell you, I want to talk about different things and I want advice on them more than anything else. But still, I hold back. I'm not exactly sure why. It's not about what people will think of me. Opinions on that subject are already formed and not a concern of mine. I am who I am. I guess maybe I hold back because those things are mine, and mine alone. I write about them in my Bite Me book, which is actually my journal. It's the perfect outlet. If it had a head, it would spin at some of the things I've told it. What will I ever do when I fill up the Bite Me book? Get another one I guess.
I've been writing in it a lot lately. A real lot. It has been awhile since I've experienced such a broken heart like the one I am experiencing now. And my Bite Me book is the perfect place to store that heartache. How do you move past it? That ache you get when someone you care about lets you down. I'm not sure how to move past it and keep the relationship intact. Is it even possible? Should I even want to? That's what I struggle with, the fact that, as hurt as I am, I don't want to lose this person. It gnaws at me. It makes me think I'm a fool. But switching off feelings is not something I find very easy to do. Does wanting to continue the relationship tell this person that hurting me was OK? Does it signify a weakness in me, or a strength that I am trying to get past it and keep the friendship? At the moment I say weakness. I've been down this road. This road of being hurt by someone I cared so much about. I held on and held on and the hurt kept piling up. More and more. When the first hurt happens is it then a game to see how far one can be pushed before they crack into a million pieces?
I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I feel lost. The Bite Me book doesn't answer the questions I have, it just stores them. And I have so many questions. Only one person can answer them and at the moment trusting those answers will be extremely difficult. Good word, trust. Can a trust so violated ever be rebuilt? Maybe my expectations were just too high.
I guess in the big scheme I've pretty much told you nothing. But reading it back the pain is palpable. But when you give your heart to someone, pain is a possibility.
I'm so sorry! I love the idea of a bite me book. It's harder to get over an abusive relationship than any other kind. You tend to overthink...they were so bad to me, but how could I love them so much? It carries with it shame...how could I be so stupid? Maybe this is what I deserve? But you don't. If your head conflicts with your heart, choose your head. Your heart will mislead you everytime. Because you see....we can love anyone, but the question you really need to ask yourself is do you LIKE this person in addition to loving them?
ReplyDeleteI want to write the perfect thing - I just don't know what that is. I guess just know that I am thinking about you and this difficult time you're experiencing. You know it will get better.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is heavy reading this G. You know what I think. Sometimes love hurts. But when someone hurts as badly as you hurt, then you have to question the other person's motives. I love you. And that's the truth. Don't forget the important point. And that is you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh dear, my heart goes out to you, I think we can all relate to the pain you feel and we want to write the perfect thing (thanks Thom) and make the pain go away. But there is no such thing, when love hurts only time can alleviate the pain and you need this period to come out of it stronger than before! Oh, sh.....
ReplyDeleteLove you, Barbara
Please forgive me for sharing a link to something I wrote! I was just looking for something to read this morning and came across a link to your post. I have no idea what you're going through. But in the end I really do believe you have to choose what you want to do. It's okay to choose to stay with someone. It's your life. Don't let anyone over think it for you. Again, please don't think I was trying to "solve" anything by sharing! Sometime all I want to do is write. Good luck! http://silentleaves.wordpress.com/2011/07/09/broken-bridges-they-can-be-rebuilt/
ReplyDeleteThere is no easy answer. I think that when we loose someone we loved, we are grieving the loss of the relationship, and it simply takes time to recover from this.
ReplyDeleteI also think that there is no point in maintaining a relationship with someone who hurts you (that's not what relationships are about). Some relationships can be addictive, but you need to protect yourself.
take care. Big hugs from London xx
Achingly beautiful!<3
ReplyDeleteOh Lalia my heart bleeds for you. Just know thoughts are with you from within the blogosphere, and that you are a truly amazing woman ...remember that.
ReplyDeleteI can feel for you. As you say,reading this, your pain is palpable. You're in that limbo where you are struggling to hang on or move past, and you don't want to do either. Just keep on writing about it and store it in your Bite Me book. Throw all your heartache and secrets into it and let it keep them for you.
ReplyDeleteYour writing moved me deeply in a place that I'd thought closed and locked up forever. Somehow we survive heartache but that doesn't mean we ever really get over it. We just go on.
'The pain is palpable'...yes, reading this makes us feel it. And though you say you've told us nothing, I think you've expressed a lot and everything...everything in the sense that it was all you can manage to reveal and to me that's a LOT. Trust is difficult to regain, rebuild. You do have to ask yourself why you would want to continue; why you can't bear to lose this relationship; what does it stand for and what are you gaining? You are a strong person and I know you know that you have the wisdom to discern how best to proceed in the most self-loving way possible. *Hugs to you*
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you have to go through this. Anything I could say seems trite. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteBy the way I love the Bite Me book. I think I could do with one/many of those too.