She's Alive... ALIVE!!

Friday night I went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland to see the documentary about the band The Damned, "Don't You Wish We Were Dead".   It was the only area screening of the film, it was about a band I love, and it was free.  What more could anyone ask for?  I'd been looking forward to this night for weeks.  The man even wanted to go.  Shocking I know.  The man has made it his life mission to never experience anything outside of Akron ever again, or at least it seems like.

From the moment we parked the car I knew it was going to be a great night.  I even found a rare, lucky free street spot near the Rock Hall, further solidifying that this is going to be a great night.  We took our seats, our friend V having come with us, and very soon a representative from the Rock Hall came out to speak for a few minutes, then he introduced the director, Wes Orshoski, who also spoke briefly.  Now it's time for the movie!

The movie was fantastic!  I loved ever single minute of it.  The attention to detail, the flow, the personalities, the history, and the music... oh my god, the music!   And while the outcome of the movie is a little sad, this fan was left very very happy with the experience.

But it's the aftermath that compelled to write today.  Being out, in Cleveland, the city I love, being a part of the music scene I love.  This is what it's about.  This is what makes me feel alive.  I didn't run into anyone I knew at the movie.  I didn't need to.  I just needed to be there, and feel all the feels.   And experience the music.  Be out.  Be involved.  Enjoy life.  It's times like these that I never feel more alive.  It may seem like a large reaction to just going to a movie, but it's part of a bigger picture. That feeling of being alive, it gives me peace as well as piece of mind in knowing that the decisions I have made for myself, the actions I'm going to take, are the right ones.  I'm addicted to feeling alive.  I crave the feeling.  I want it more and more.   So I have to ask myself again... if not now, when?  The answer is now.  Taking my life back is the best thing I ever did.

Progress

My lose 50 by 50 Diet officially commenced on August 3.  I had planned on starting it earlier than that but life gets in the way what with birthdays, graduations and all kinds of other events. Unfortunately the diet kind of got shoved off to the side.

But I'm in it to win it now and it's going rather well.  In fact I'm quite proud of myself.  I've dieted many many times before and for some reason, this time it feels different.  Maybe because of the goal. Lose 50 by 50 has a nice ring to it.  I like it. And I have another goal in mind, one that would lead to the same time frame.  I'm going to leave it at that for now, but suffice it to say it involves a dream of mine, and one that I want to make a reality around my birthday.  

And in that amount of time... 10 days to be exact, I have lost 6.6 pounds.  It feels good!   Losing makes me happy.  Stepping on the scale in anticipation instead of dread is an amazing feeling. I've been using the help of an app called MyFitnessPal.  It works a lot like Weight Watchers, where you are accountable for everything you eat.  But it also calculates your activity and gives you more calories for the day based on how much you move.  It's a handy little tool.   And it's free.

For the most part, I am following the aforementioned advice by my friend and dieting quietly (aside from telling all the world via this blog that is... or the 15 or so that read it anyway ha).  I don't make a big deal about it, I don't post about it on Facebook, I just go about my biz and quietly (hopefully) continue to lose weight.

I feel excited for the first time in a long time... goals are a good thing to have.  And while my work life is only slightly improved, my personal life is kind of in the shitter, I'm still feeling good.  I'm doing more for myself.  I came to the realization a few years ago, as I watched life passing me by, that if not now...when?  The answer is now.  I'm fabulous and I plan on living my life to reflect it!

Join me on the journey!   We're going to have a blast!!!!   

Lose 50 by 50

I don't want to be 50.  I know, I know... I've heard all the dialog.  "It's better than the alternative"  "50 is the new 40"  "You don't look 50"  and on and on and on.  Doesn't change the fact that I don't want to be 50.  I don't feel like I could possibly be that old.  I still listen to all the same music.  I still dress the same way.  I'm still a sarcastic asshole most of the time!

50 sounds so foreboding.  It sounds old. It's half a century.  More than half my life is over.  And saying it like that, more than half my life is over, makes me want to cry.   But I'm not here today to get all sadly introspective about the things I haven't done in my life yet.  I am here to talk about a goal I've set for myself.  I have until January 16, 2016 to lose 50 pounds.  Lose 50 by 50.  That's my battle cry!

It's not going to be easy.  I like to eat.  Sometimes it feels like one of the few joys I have left.  I love to cook and bake.  I love to go out and try new restaurants and revisit old faves.  But I've lost weight successfully before and I know I can do it again.  And I will do it sensibly.  I will not go on a no carb plan.  Nor will I go on an all one specific thing diet.  The only way I have ever been successful is to eat sensibly and move as much as possible.

A good friend of mine always told me that to diet successfully, diet quietly.  And I think that makes a lot of sense.  Telling everyone you know that you're on a diet is a recipe for failure.  And then when/if you do fail, you know they know you failed.  Whereas if you don't tell a soul, and you just go about your business of dieting, if you fail, only you know but when you're successful, it's a celebration. And with that in mind, why am I telling you here?  Well maybe about 4 or 5 people read my blog so I'll just deal with it.  And I want to chart my successes and failures.  I'm taking you on this journey with me so strap on your seat belts!

I think 50 by 50 is attainable.  At least, at this moment, right now, I feel optimistic about it.  As optimistic as someone as cynical as I can be anyway.  And if you want to join me in this journey, all the better.  Dieting sucks.  Watching what you eat blows.  But being fat is even worse.

My Brain Hurts

When things happen in this country that I have trouble understanding, I do my best to view it from all angles.  It's the way I live my life.  Nothing is ever simple.  Nothing is ever cut and dry so you have to be able to look at things through another lens.  If you don't, then you're part of the problem.

The latest mass shooting in Charleston once again brings up all the same issues.... Black vs. white.  Liberal vs. Conservative.  Gun Control vs. No gun control.  Media vs. Reader.  Religion vs. Atheism.  Politician vs. Citizen.  And that's the thing in this country, it seems you have to have an enemy.

If you're not Religious then you're wrong and you're a heathen and you're going to hell.  Or if you're not an Atheist then you believe in fairy tales and you're brainwashed.  If you think either of those ways, you're part of the problem.

There is a ton of crime in this country.  Tons.  And there are no racial boundaries to it.  There's black on black, white on white, black on white, white on black.  And that doesn't even scratch the surface or crime that centers around race.  There's crime that has nothing to do with race.  People are just hateful and evil and not necessarily any kind of racist.  No discrimination, they just hate everyone.  But there is no denying that there is a race problem in this country.  And if you don't understand that, then you're part of the problem.

You may not experience it, you may not see it.  That doesn't mean racism doesn't exist.  I am one of the people who doesn't see racism in my life.  I'm lucky.  I live in a predominantly black neighborhood.  We are the only white family on our block.  Not once in 14 years have I had any kind of problem with race.  I've never felt threatened or afraid.  I have had the best neighbors I've had of anywhere I've lived.  I feel completely at ease and feel like no around me cares that I'm white.   And yes, I do feel lucky to be in this environment because growing up was not like that.  I lived in a neighborhood where white flight took hold of everyone on our street.

And now, because of Charleston and some whackadoodle with a gun, all the same dialog starts all over again.  So here is what I believe....

1. If you use terms like Wingnut or Libtard, you're part of the problem.
2. If you think all Conservatives think one way and all Liberals think one way, you're part of the problem.
3. If you believe everything Rush Limbaugh or Bill O'Reilly or Bill Maher or Jon Stewart says, you're part of the problem.
4. If you think racism will go away if we ignore it, you're part of the problem.
5. If you think racism doesn't exist, you're part of the problem.
6. If you think having a Republican in office will change everything, you're part of the problem.
7. If you think having a Democrat in office will change everything, you're part of the problem.

I'm tired of all the bullshit.  It's no secret that my leanings are Liberal, but I look at the big picture.
Yes I believe in gay rights, I believe in equal rights for all actually.  And I believe racism exists.  I do not follow a religion anymore but I am not an atheist.  I think sensitivity has gotten way out of hand and find it absurd how easily people are offended by the stupidest things.  I have said for many many years, I do not offend very easily.... unless you abuse someone (child, adult, elderly) or an animal. That offends me greatly.   I believe in a woman's right to chose.  

I'm really truly exhaustedly tired by the us against them mentality in this country.  It doesn't matter anymore who holds the office of President because what has to happen no matter who it is, is that we have to work together.  Democrat/Republican, white/black, Religious/Atheist.  There is no one way. We have to come together as a unified people and work to make this country greater than ever. Working against the leaders is counter productive.  And if you don't get that, then you're part of the problem.

And just so you know, I don't think I'm above it all.  I'm pretty sure I'm part of the problem, somewhere/somehow.

Missing You

I miss you.  I want to text you so bad.  I want to talk to you.  I can't tell you again how much you mean to me.  You know.  I guess that's why you pushed me way so stupidly and so brutally.  You have to know that I get it, that you did what you did because for some reason you felt you had to.   I just wish you had gone the honest route instead of the cowardly one.  I hope it didn't feel good to hurt me so badly.  If it did, don't ever tell me so because that takes it to a whole new level of pain.

People in the know are glad, glad you have taken yourself out of my life.  But I never listened to anyone before and I'm not going to start now and I'm not glad.  I don't feel relieved.  I don't feel a weight lifted because you're gone.  I just feel sad, and empty and that something is missing.  You.  You're missing.  And I hate it.

How could you turn your back on me so easily?   Friends since 1987.  That is a long time.  Was it easy?  In retrospect if all feels so forced, planned.  That night, you were looking for anything to fight about.  What you settled on and what ultimately ended our friendship and whatever else we had is not something that would end a 27 year friendship.  And when I think about it, sometimes I'm crushed, other times I'm just angry.  So so angry that you turned your back on me.

It's been a month.  It's taken me this long to put these feelings on paper.  It's taken me this long trying to make sense of a senseless situation to realize there never will be any sense to it.  It took me 2 minutes after our fight to realize it was purposeful.  At the time, I was so shocked and going on instinct to fight you back, to try and hurt you back.  And I hate that I stooped to that level.  I hate that I said some of the things I said.  I was so upset, so crushed.  So decimated by you, again.  I console myself with that old saying.... you always hurt the ones you love.

No matter how many times I tell myself that I'm better off, my heart won't listen.  My heart wants you in my life.  My heart wants your friendship back.  You weren't always a good friend but at times you were the best friend.   At times you would say something to me that was so insightful, so right into my soul, that I thought there could be no one on this earth who knows me the way you do.  How you did that always blew my mind.  And no matter how many times you told me you're a dick, I didn't fully believe it until that night.  It was like an image you tried to keep going, but it never fooled me.  I saw that side of you that you don't show too many people.  And I still believe that, but I also will know that despite that other side, you're truly a dick too.  And that's ok.  A lot of times I feel like a total asshole.  But you saw the other side.  

You brought things out of me that I didn't know were there.  You were encouraging and supportive of me when I needed it most.  You made me love you again, not that I ever stopped.  And then you tore it away, again.  I didn't think I could ever live through the pain of losing you a second time.  But I guess I have.  But it's a pain that lingers.

Life is short.... I hope it doesn't take too long for you to find your way back, again.

Ask Me If I Care

More and more I find myself thinking, "ask me if I care" about any and everything.   I suppose that's a byproduct of the unhappiness I find myself unable to break out of.  At the same time it's troubling, yet liberating.  Troubling because it makes me think I've become cold and unfeeling.  Liberating because the reality is that I have stopped giving a shit about the people who don't give a shit about me.

Example, I saw today on Facebook that the man's niece got engaged.  Ask me if I care.  I don't.  Over the years it has become more and more clear to me that these two girls (the nieces) don't give a shit about me at all.  I have been in their lives since they were 5 and 6 years old.  I gave them gifts for every birthday and Christmas for all of those years until a few years ago when they started having kids and instead bought for the kids.  I have always been kind to them.  Have always treated them well.  But over the past few years I have backed away from them (and most of the man's family) because I never felt the same kind of care/respect in return.  For my 40th birthday the two nieces and their boyfriends gave me a single $2 instant lottery ticket.  I'm not saying they should shower me with gifts.  It's an example of the lack of interest/care that I feel from the man's family.   And when my dad passed away this past January, I heard nothing from them.   Oh I take that back, one of them posted on my Facebook.  The other did not, nor did she call me, nor did she send me a card, nor did she even acknowledge the fact that I lost my dad when I saw her two weeks later.  So excuse me if I'm not jumping up and down with glee over your engagement.

 

But it's more than just that, it's a lot of things.  I just can't muster caring about much of anything.  How is that liberating?  Well, I wasted a lot of time, a lot of heartache, a lot of energy on caring about things that in the big scheme ended up not mattering at all.  Friends who turned out not to be.  Situations that I should have avoided.  Family members who are assholes.  So to get to a point where I can say, "ask me if I care"?  Yeah, it feels liberating in a way.

Don't get me wrong, I still care about the people in my life that I know care about me.  I still love.  I still will do anything for the people who matter most.  Maybe when things change, when I finally get my life moving in the direction I want it moving in I will care again.  And hopefully I've learned enough lessons to spot those insincere phony people without investing too much of my precious time and the enormous amounts of love and friendship I have to give.

Or maybe it's my hormones.

Jobless Revisited

Having just received my gazillionth rejection from a job I applied for, I'm feeling like a big fucking loser.  I hate feeling that way.  I hate a "woe is me" attitude.  I hate feeling sorry for myself.  But it's so hard not to when I've been looking for 2 years.  Two years, no job, over 20 years of experience.   What is the problem?  Why will no one hire me?  What is it about my resume or me in general, that is off putting?  I don't know.  I had my resume analyzed and got a pretty good affective rating.  So what's going on?  The economy is supposedly improving.

I feel like I am very professional on the phone and in interviews, when I have them.  Am I too old at 48 to be hired?   Do I have too much experience, therefore leading prospective employers to assume I will want too much money?  Or am I totally fooling myself into believing that I have marketable skills at all?  I really don't have the answers.

This most recent rejection really hurt.  I applied to it and two days later received an email with a test in it.  There was an editing test (it was a few paragraphs describing the business that needed grammar, spelling, punctuation etc. corrections) and a composition test (a lot of information in no format and asked to compose a business letter out of it).  I received this test early in the afternoon on the Friday before Memorial Day and asked to return the test completed within 24 hours.   Quite frankly I thought this bullshit mainly because I really doubt anyone would be looking at it before Tuesday of the next week.  But I did it.  I sat down and very carefully completed the tasks they asked of me and sent it back before end of business on that same day.

Not only did I not get the job, I never even got a call for an interview.  Nothing.  I completed their stupid convoluted task and they didn't even bring me in for an interview.  I didn't send it in blind either.  I had the man look over everything I did before sending it.  I received zero feedback on what they thought of the way I completed these tasks.  I received nothing at all but a brief note that said the company hired someone this past Friday and thanks for your interest.

When things like this happen, this is how I feel...

I try very hard to get to the "everything happens for a reason" place.  To that "when one door closes, another opens" place.  To remember that I'm smart, skilled and that any prospective employer should be thrilled to have me in their employ.  But sometimes, even if it's for a few hours or a few minutes, I just have to wallow in the idea that I may never work again and that is unacceptable.  I have a very strong desire to change several aspects of my life and I cannot do that without a job.  So as much as I'd like to, at this moment, give up and come to terms with joblessness forevermore, I won't.  I can't.  The rest of my life is waiting.