More and more I find myself thinking, "ask me if I care" about any and everything. I suppose that's a byproduct of the unhappiness I find myself unable to break out of. At the same time it's troubling, yet liberating. Troubling because it makes me think I've become cold and unfeeling. Liberating because the reality is that I have stopped giving a shit about the people who don't give a shit about me.
Example, I saw today on Facebook that the man's niece got engaged. Ask me if I care. I don't. Over the years it has become more and more clear to me that these two girls (the nieces) don't give a shit about me at all. I have been in their lives since they were 5 and 6 years old. I gave them gifts for every birthday and Christmas for all of those years until a few years ago when they started having kids and instead bought for the kids. I have always been kind to them. Have always treated them well. But over the past few years I have backed away from them (and most of the man's family) because I never felt the same kind of care/respect in return. For my 40th birthday the two nieces and their boyfriends gave me a single $2 instant lottery ticket. I'm not saying they should shower me with gifts. It's an example of the lack of interest/care that I feel from the man's family. And when my dad passed away this past January, I heard nothing from them. Oh I take that back, one of them posted on my Facebook. The other did not, nor did she call me, nor did she send me a card, nor did she even acknowledge the fact that I lost my dad when I saw her two weeks later. So excuse me if I'm not jumping up and down with glee over your engagement.
But it's more than just that, it's a lot of things. I just can't muster caring about much of anything. How is that liberating? Well, I wasted a lot of time, a lot of heartache, a lot of energy on caring about things that in the big scheme ended up not mattering at all. Friends who turned out not to be. Situations that I should have avoided. Family members who are assholes. So to get to a point where I can say, "ask me if I care"? Yeah, it feels liberating in a way.
Don't get me wrong, I still care about the people in my life that I know care about me. I still love. I still will do anything for the people who matter most. Maybe when things change, when I finally get my life moving in the direction I want it moving in I will care again. And hopefully I've learned enough lessons to spot those insincere phony people without investing too much of my precious time and the enormous amounts of love and friendship I have to give.
Or maybe it's my hormones.