Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Goodbye Dear Friend

I've written about J before, a few times.  How much she has enhanced my life and how she was a big inspiration for me in starting this blog.  I've written how she has been battling lung cancer, a non smoker, and the unfairness I have felt that she contracted the disease.  And now it is with a heavy heart and a lot of sadness that I must say she has lost the war with cancer on March 24.

She fought every battle with utmost grace and a dignity that I can only hope to aspire to.  Every setback was met with optimism.  Every victory, with joy.  In the year and nine months since her diagnosis, she looked cancer in the eye and met it head on.  It's a testament to her courageous spirit.  Sure, at the beginning she wanted to bury her head in the sand and not face it, but once that initial terror/denial ended, she was all strength.  I dont' know that I can adequately do her justice because truly she is the bravest person I ever knew.  And I will miss her every single day.  On the surface, if anyone saw us together they would wonder what these two women have in common.  But it was what we had below the surface that really mattered. She was 12 years older than me, but it never made a difference.  She had a completely different life than I do, but that didn't matter either.  She saw a lot in me that I sometimes have trouble seeing.  And I saw in her a beautiful soul with a glorious sense of humor.  We clicked immediately and have been friends since around 1996.

In January, things were looking up.  The cancer in her lung was all but gone and nothing more than scar tissue.  Unfortunately it had spread and there was a spot on her liver.   After several different courses of chemo for the liver cancer, that cough came back.  The cough that was the beginning of everything.  And I knew this was a bad sign.  A very bad sign.  But I tried hard not to let myself think it.  I didn't want to.  I knew it was getting down to the wire and that her doctor was running out of treatment options.  That cough.  It nagged at me.

Through it all she was helping plan her son's wedding and hired me to make candy boxes for the rehearsal dinner.  Every time we needed to contact each other it had to be via text or email because once she started to talk the cough took over.  And still I tried to remain in denial.  I just didn't want to think the worst.  I wanted to be optimistic even though the last time I did speak to her, she had told me she's made peace with everything.  Strength. Grace.  Dignity.

On March 7, her husband called me to let me know that J's treatment options have been exhausted.  There was nothing more anyone could do and she was now under hospice care.  Her son's rehearsal dinner was the next day, the wedding on March 10.  Would she be able to go was my question.  Yes, she was going to the wedding come hell or high water, but had opted out of the rehearsal so she could conserve her energy.  Good plan.  And she did go to the wedding and from the pictures I saw, she looked beautiful.

On March 14, I received a letter in the mail from her.  A letter that in essence was a goodbye. Devastating and yet beautiful.  Something I will cherish.  And a part of which I will share with you....
You are and always will be someone who touched my life in so many positive ways.  A little bit of you will always be in me.  Much love forever, J
After drying my tears, I texted her to thank her for the beautiful letter and tell her again that I love her and how brave she is.  She replied:
Hold on to it and read it when you need a little J in your life.  I love you so very much!
I told her I would hold onto it forever, and I will.  How do you say goodbye to someone so dear, so special, so a part of you?  I don't know.  But I will be traveling to Cincinnati this weekend for her Memorial service so I can try to do that.  Oh how I wish I could be going there again for a visit, to hang out with her and her husband.  To meet her new daughter in law.  How I wish it were anything but the reason I am going there.  Love you forever J.  
 

21 comments:

  1. Your post was beautiful Kath. Brought tears to my eyes. I know it was an honor for you to call her friend, may she be at peace.

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  2. Kathy - thank you for ensuring that Jackie's light shines on --

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  3. She sounds like a wonderful lady, and the fact that she wrote you a little note so that you could keep it forever is the most touching thing ever.

    I'm so sorry, I've been thinking about you a lot lately.

    Jenni

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    1. Thanks Jenni. Yes that letter was quite a surprise. It's beautiful and something I will always cherish. That was J, such a generous spirit. xoxo

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  4. I'm so sorry for your loss Kathy. May her courage and love truly live in you forever...as I'm sure it would. **HUGS**

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  5. Sorry for the loss..this is so deep and touching. Indeed, it is difficult to say goodbye to a person and a bond so deep. <3

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  6. So very very sorry for the loss of your dear friend, Lalia. It's such a heartbreaking and wrenching thing to see someone you love so much bravely battle something so insidious and ultimately lose that fight. I lost my sister in law to ovarian and pancreatic cancer in 2001 and I think about her every single day. Your friend J exhibited the same strength, courage, tenacity, and ultimately, dignity that is so unique to those who battle cancer. The memory of the bond you had with her will remain with you for the rest of your life, and if it is any comfort, it will continue to sustain you as the years pass. My heart goes out to you and to her family. Please travel safe to the memorial and also please know my tears and sympathy are with you. Love, me

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  7. I am sorry for your loss. We often live as if we were immortal. Well, we are not. That said, thanks for sharing such a beautiful moments with us.

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    1. You're so right Muriel we aren't immortal and things like this remind us.

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  8. Cancer is such a horrific thing but the way those that we love deal with it and still manage to shine amazes me. Thinking of you sweety. Beautifully written.

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  9. Beautiful post! Take heart in know you meant as much to her as she did to you. <3

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