Life is Too Short

Regular readers to this blog know that I recently lost a very good friend to cancer.  Yesterday I was handed another reminder of just how short life is.  It was my niece's first communion party.  My brother had told me about a year ago that his good friend JA has cancer, pancreatic cancer no less.  Devastating news.  JA is literally the only friend of my brothers that I ever liked. Ever.

Bro is 8 years older than me, and so we never really hung out in the same crowd.  He didn't approve of things I did and in general he always acted more like a father than a brother.  But JA is cool.  He's a super nice guy and he always had my back where bro was concerned.  I remember when I was just out of high school and between jobs.  Bro got into a pretty serious accident.  He was working landscaping at the time and was on a tractor when his shoelace got caught on the gas peddle.  He couldn't get it out and was thrown from the tractor with his foot still attached to the gas peddle.   The tractor dragged him for a bit, tearing his shirt off and then most of the skin off his back.  It was horrible!  His back was completely raw.  He came back home to stay with us while he was recuperating.  My mom was too nervous to do the things that needed to be done for him, like change his dressing several times a day and clean his wounds, so I did it.  I took care of him for several weeks while he recovered.  I didn't do much of anything else.  And then JA came over to see him. JA took me into the kitchen and said, "go... go out.  Do something else, I'll stay with him."  A much needed break that he knew I needed, and I went.  And I never forgot it. A bond was formed that day.  From then on he was my friend too.  JA is someone I love.

When he got married it was like he was my kindred spirit.  Married on Halloween, he and his wife had a costume wedding and he was Frankenstein and she was Bride of Frankenstein.  I think those who know me know how I feel about that!   It was awesome!

In the best of times, or the worst of times, JA was always there.  When my brothers friends were calling me a freak and asking bro why I looked the way I looked, JA had my back again.  He stood up for me with the closed minded.

And now, on the occasion of my niece's first communion party, bro told me JA would be there.  My niece is his goddaughter after all.  But he wanted me to know that JA looks drastically different.  Both bro and sis in law let me know that he is almost unrecognizable. And I thank them both for preparing me.  Because I don't think I would have been prepared for what I saw when JA came in.  He had aged a lot and was so painfully thin it's hard to even imagine, let alone see him.  It has been less than a year since I last saw him and it seems like way longer.  He was still the same JA as always though, even given this dreaded illness that he is trying to fight.  I tried hard not to talk about that, when you're going through it, do you really want to keep telling people about your treatments and things?  I imagine not, so I didn't bring it up and we just talked about general stuff.  He stayed a little while, ate well and soon had to leave.  In all likelihood that was the last time I will ever see him.

When the party was over, I thanked my sister in law and bro for letting me know what to expect ahead of time, and still, I wasn't prepared.  Sis in law said that he told someone at the party that he doesn't have much time left.  And that is when I broke down.   Much like J, JA is exhibiting a strength and dignity that I am simply in awe of.  I didn't want to lose J, and I don't want to lose JA.  I know I have zero control over that, but it sucks.  I hate it.  I don't want to lose people I love.  Who does really huh?

Life is too fucking short.  The more things like this happen, the more I tend to reexamine my life and want to make some changes to it.  Being content with sameness is unacceptable anymore.  I'm 46 years old.  I'm not getting any younger.  If something happens to me, like with J or JA, will I have a full life to look back on?  I don't know.  I know there is something missing.  I know there are so many things I want to do.  I know that I am going to go after what I want.  I just wish it didn't take such devastating losses to wake one up to these truths.

Goodbye Dear Friend

I've written about J before, a few times.  How much she has enhanced my life and how she was a big inspiration for me in starting this blog.  I've written how she has been battling lung cancer, a non smoker, and the unfairness I have felt that she contracted the disease.  And now it is with a heavy heart and a lot of sadness that I must say she has lost the war with cancer on March 24.

She fought every battle with utmost grace and a dignity that I can only hope to aspire to.  Every setback was met with optimism.  Every victory, with joy.  In the year and nine months since her diagnosis, she looked cancer in the eye and met it head on.  It's a testament to her courageous spirit.  Sure, at the beginning she wanted to bury her head in the sand and not face it, but once that initial terror/denial ended, she was all strength.  I dont' know that I can adequately do her justice because truly she is the bravest person I ever knew.  And I will miss her every single day.  On the surface, if anyone saw us together they would wonder what these two women have in common.  But it was what we had below the surface that really mattered. She was 12 years older than me, but it never made a difference.  She had a completely different life than I do, but that didn't matter either.  She saw a lot in me that I sometimes have trouble seeing.  And I saw in her a beautiful soul with a glorious sense of humor.  We clicked immediately and have been friends since around 1996.

In January, things were looking up.  The cancer in her lung was all but gone and nothing more than scar tissue.  Unfortunately it had spread and there was a spot on her liver.   After several different courses of chemo for the liver cancer, that cough came back.  The cough that was the beginning of everything.  And I knew this was a bad sign.  A very bad sign.  But I tried hard not to let myself think it.  I didn't want to.  I knew it was getting down to the wire and that her doctor was running out of treatment options.  That cough.  It nagged at me.

Through it all she was helping plan her son's wedding and hired me to make candy boxes for the rehearsal dinner.  Every time we needed to contact each other it had to be via text or email because once she started to talk the cough took over.  And still I tried to remain in denial.  I just didn't want to think the worst.  I wanted to be optimistic even though the last time I did speak to her, she had told me she's made peace with everything.  Strength. Grace.  Dignity.

On March 7, her husband called me to let me know that J's treatment options have been exhausted.  There was nothing more anyone could do and she was now under hospice care.  Her son's rehearsal dinner was the next day, the wedding on March 10.  Would she be able to go was my question.  Yes, she was going to the wedding come hell or high water, but had opted out of the rehearsal so she could conserve her energy.  Good plan.  And she did go to the wedding and from the pictures I saw, she looked beautiful.

On March 14, I received a letter in the mail from her.  A letter that in essence was a goodbye. Devastating and yet beautiful.  Something I will cherish.  And a part of which I will share with you....

You are and always will be someone who touched my life in so many positive ways.  A little bit of you will always be in me.  Much love forever, J

After drying my tears, I texted her to thank her for the beautiful letter and tell her again that I love her and how brave she is.  She replied:

Hold on to it and read it when you need a little J in your life.  I love you so very much!

I told her I would hold onto it forever, and I will.  How do you say goodbye to someone so dear, so special, so a part of you?  I don't know.  But I will be traveling to Cincinnati this weekend for her Memorial service so I can try to do that.  Oh how I wish I could be going there again for a visit, to hang out with her and her husband.  To meet her new daughter in law.  How I wish it were anything but the reason I am going there.  Love you forever J.