Can I Have Dinner First?

There's a little thing that my in laws do that is known by me, as 6 o'Fucking Clock Cake.  I don't know the origins of this annoying as hell phenomenon but I do know there are far too many of them throughout the year for my liking.  Basically my mother in law gathers all the family together to celebrate a birthday and she plans this gathering at 6 pm.  There is no food involved, just cake and ice cream.   Cake and ice cream at 6 pm.  Sometimes it's 5:30 pm... and then it's known as 5 Fucking 30 Cake.  Either way, I hate it.  I hate this whole stupid event.  And here's why....

• 5:30 pm is a stupid time to have cake and ice cream.
• Gifts are expected
• 6:00 pm is a stupid time to have cake and ice cream.
• It's always on a Saturday.  
• Saturday at 5:30 pm or 6:00 pm is a STUPID FUCKING TIME TO HAVE CAKE!!!!!

Before we lived in Akron, we very easily got out of participating in this nonsense.  But we've been here for close to 9 years now and my in laws house is literally right around the corner.  Unless we have other plans, plans we have made prior to being told that 5 fucking 30 cake is coming up, we end up trapped.  At least we no longer have to buy gifts for everyone.  Sometime last year we made the general announcement that only parents and children under 18 will be receiving gifts from now on.  Brother in law followed suit with that and he no longer gifts either. 

And so on the occasion of January 22 it was, yet again, time for my 6 O'Fucking Clock Cake.  I'd be more than happy to tell them not to have it for me.  I've already told them not to buy me gifts.  But there was no way out this time.  It's not just my birthday, it's the niece's birthday and now it's also the other niece's baby's birthday.  And it was the baby's first birthday.  So 6 o'fucking clock cake was a done deal for us this year.  No outs. 

I know what you're asking yourself right now... do you bake the 6 o'fucking clock cake?   The answer to that is oh hell no, fuck no, absolutely not and there is no way in hell I'd ever make it!  Why?  Because they don't appreciate it.  I have offered many times to make 6 o'fucking clock cake.  You'd think having someone who does this for a living in your family would be a no brainer.  But one time when I did, I set the cake down in the kitchen only to find a box of Pepperidge Farm layer cake sitting there.  When I asked the mother in law what that was for the answer I got was, "that's in case someone doesn't like your cake."   Seriously??  When you make your shitty boxed cake do you have a fucking homemade pie sitting there waiting in case I don't like it?   No?  Then what the fuck!?   I can happily report that no one ate the Pepperidge Farm cake that day.  But that's besides the point.

On another occasion I asked mother in law if she would like me to make a cake.  I had a new recipe for a chocolate cake that was out of this world.  She didn't respond.  So I didn't make it.  When we arrived for that particular 6 o'fucking clock cake function there was no cake and very soon, mother in law was putting on her coat.   I asked sister in law, who's birthday it was, what was going on and she told me mother in law was going out to buy a cake.  I asked why and from the kitchen I hear mother in law slamming things and screaming, "SHE said she was going to make the cake.  SHE said it would be the chocolate cake."  Being the SHE in question here I was done, out, screw you guys I'm going home.  I told the Man there was no way I was staying and going to be treated that way and he said he'd walk me home.  On the way, we discussed how we were both in the room when I asked her if she wanted me to make it and we both knew she did not respond.  And in fact, she had called that very morning and never once said one word about the cake.  No "looking forward to the cake," "is it baking yet?"  Nothing, not a word.   So it will be a cold day in hell before I ever bake a 6 o'fucking clock cake again.

And so we're back, and it's time to open gifts.  Of course we all watch the baby open her stuff, or try to.  I am given several cards and ugh, two gift bags.  One I expect since the in laws will always buy something.  But everyone else, please... stop!!!!   And especially after this year.  After all this time, these people do not know me at all.  Really.  Up first, sister in law.  I open the bag and inside is a little box that says Willow Tree on it.  And inside the box is a small figurine of a child holding a cat.  Yes, that picture is exactly what I received.  Wow.  That might just be the most ridiculous thing I ever received.  Even the 11 year old daughter of sister in law declared, "I told mom, Aunt Lalia is going to hate that!"  And hate it I do.  She should have listened to the kid!

But wait, it actually gets worse.  After opening sister in laws gift and feigning joy, I got to open mother in laws gift.  In what universe would anyone who knows me think I would want something like this is beyond my comprehension but here it is.  It's a banner with a big wooden key at the top and a big heart on the banner itself.  It says, "The Heart of a Home is Love." "How lovely," I say, while my mind races with absolute horror.  Who are these people?  Have they met me?  I'm not trying to be all gift horsey, but I think if you knew me for five minutes you would know that I would not want either of these things.  These people have known me for 23 years!   I don't even know what else to say about it other than they must all hate me more than I ever thought.

And now it's time for cake.  Mother in law has made her patented ginormous cake... two boxed cake mixes made in 9 x 13 pans and then sandwiched together with instant pudding in the middle and Cool Whip on top.  No, there wasn't a homemade pie sitting there in case me or someone else didn't want that piece of crap.  But there was a homemade pie waiting for me at home.  So as soon as the singing was over, the baby dug her hands in her personal little cake, and everyone was served, we made our escape to go home and have dinner and then partake of the pie.  Happily there isn't another 6 o'fucking clock cake party to attend for a few months.  Maybe I'll get lucky and need a root canal that day.