Friday, January 21, 2011

Stop It Right Now, I'm Becoming Mom!

I realized something this week.   I am becoming my mom.  It's frightening and disturbing.  Don't get me wrong, I love my mother.  We're very close.  I talk to her every day.  But she is the quintessential people pleaser, especially when it comes to my dad or any other member of the family.  She wouldn't force my dad to get off his ass and move around more because she didn't want to make him mad.  She doesn't make food she likes if it's something he doesn't like because he won't eat it.  I never understood that.  She will eat it, so???  Whenever we have a big family function inevitably I hear the words, "just go with it, don't make waves" as in if someone pisses me off, suck it up and deal.   Well I'm sick of sucking it up.

Becoming like my mom was partially explained in my blog a few days ago, that I should have called a birthday bitch.  I tend to try to accommodate others at my own inconvenience, mainly to save myself the aggravation of being bitched at.  As the youngest in the family, my needs, my wants, my opinions never matter.  It doesn't matter that I'm now 45 years old.  It only matters that I'm the youngest and therefore know nothing.  At least in the eyes of the rest of the family.   It doesn't matter that I took care of my parents for the better part of a year.   It doesn't matter that I still do everything for them.  It doesn't matter that I run my own business.  All that matters is that when I was three I put a stone up my nose because it was pretty and I wanted to save it.  That is who my family sees when they see me.  Family functions are an exercise in humiliation as my sister tries her hardest to come up with the most embarrassing memory she can and relay to all. 

I suddenly realized that I was letting them rule me.  I was letting them dictate how I react, how I behave, and how I do things.  And this stops NOW.  I got a new tattoo this week and I actually went through the trouble of blocking everyone in my family and friends of family from the posting about it on Facebook.  My plan was to keep it a secret until summer when I could no longer hide it and then just deal with the reactions.   It took a few well meaning albeit blunt friends to point out how ridiculous that is and that I'm a grown woman and can do whatever I want.  Dammit, it's true.  So one day after trying so hard to hide the new tattoo I called my mom and told her I got it.  Was she mad?  Kind of.  But not really.   There was that air of disapproval that I'm used to every time I dye my hair a new color or get a new tattoo.  But it's short lived.  She was over it all within a minute or so.

So why the drama?  Why tiptoe around it?  I don't know.  It's Mom Syndrome.  I keep telling her not to get so bogged down with making Dad mad and just do what she has to do.  If he gets mad, so what, what's going to happen?  Nothing.  So why couldn't I follow my own advice?  When I called to tell her about the tattoo I told her straight out, this is the only life I have and I'm going to do what I want.  She didn't get upset that I said that, she just said OK.  Is it possible that even if my siblings don't see an adult that maybe my parents do?

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