After all the unnecessary angst, the trip to Chicago was very very nice. My mom was in heaven being with so much of her extended family that she doesn't see much anymore. And it was nice for me to get to know some family I never really knew at all. The drive was not too long but kind of boring (straight and nothing to see but a lot of cornfields). My dad did very well with the people we hired to come in and check in on him, and my aunt and uncle came by to see him several times. All in all, everything turned out beautifully.
Aunt Lucy's 90th birthday party was held at an Italian restaurant in Naperville and was just lovely. The food was delicious, the desserts were to die for, and Aunt Lucy had a wonderful time. She was so surprised by all who had come from out of town. There were pictures of her throughout the years from very young until now. Balloons that said 90 years old on them. She wore a lovely corsage. On every table were placards with things that happened the year she was born. No detail was left out. It was really special.
And then it happened. The fucking bitch cousin of mine who was not invited because she's a fucking bitch and is always getting in people's faces and causing trouble (and she's 48 years old!!) found out about the party. How? The bitch was snooping around on my Facebook page. She is not on my friends list and I have my FB page set to friends only, so I don't know how she did it, but she saw a post I made about being in Chicago for my aunt's 90th birthday party. Can you even guess what she did with this information? I bet you can't. Because normal people don't think this way or react this way. She called up 90 year old Aunt Lucy and SCREAMED at her. She ripped her up one side and down the other about not being invited to the party. She blamed her, she blamed my aunts son, she blamed my mother (!!), she blamed everyone but herself and her own fucked up behavior. She succeeded in upsetting Aunt Lucy greatly, but did not succeed in causing any regrets. In fact Aunt Lucy got a big dose of why it was the right move not inviting her. And she said that no matter what that fucked up bitch says, she cannot take away the beautiful time she had. OK, Aunt Lucy didn't call her a fucked up bitch, but I don't know what else to call her. Aunt Lucy said it was the best day of her life and nothing can take that away from her.
I can't remember if I have mentioned this before, but this is the cousin who lived with my Grandma and made her last years so miserable. She would yell at my Grandma that way, for no reason, and there was never anything we could do about it because my Grandma always defended her. It made me crazy. The woman is seriously disturbed and I hate her fucking guts. And whenever I think she is out of my life for good, that we have no more to tie us to each other, she comes back into our lives like a cockroach. A diseased, disgusting cockroach. She even had the audacity to tell Aunt Lucy that my mom and I turned everyone against her. Yeah we did that. It has nothing to do with the fact that she's a psycho hell bitch. Seriously, like I have the time or inclination to bother turning anyone against anyone else. It's the rantings of a lunatic.
At any rate, I don't know what happens from here. Something? Nothing? I don't know. Aunt Lucy's son may want to take it up with her and quite frankly if I wouldn't blame him. The mind boggles at someone who would bitch out a 90 year old who merely attended her own surprise party and was not a part of the invitation sending.
And with that, I turn my rant off and leave you with a song that reminds me of my darling psycho hell bitch of a cousin..
Joblessness aside, my frustrations are still many. Bear with me, I'm going to vent a little (or maybe a lot, we'll just have to see how it goes as I begin writing). Back in June right after I interviewed for the job I wanted, my mom asked me if I could drive her and my father to Chicago the weekend of August 10. And she asked again a few weeks later. And she asked again a few weeks later. And she asked again a few weeks later. My standard answer each time was, "It all depends on if I get the job or not." This fact apparently didn't sink in, thus the continual asking. Finally this past week she asked yet again, for the final time. Silly me, I had just figured that since I clearly did not get the job, the answer was obvious... yes I'll take you. I didn't want to do this. But it's a family event and something that is extremely important to her. And as usual, there is no one else who could do it. Why? I have no idea. Lots of family from Cleveland are going. Why they couldn't help out this once and take my parents is a mystery. But that's besides the point. I am now taking them. You may or may not know that my father is handicapped and this makes everything much more difficult. We can argue that this is why no one else wanted to take them (and frankly there would be no argument, that's the reason, mystery solved).
Two days after we establish that yes, I'm taking them, mom says to me (very casually I might add), "you do know your father's not going right?" Um, how would I know this unless you told me? And she hadn't. Apparently dad threw a fit, screamed and ranted and said he was not going and she couldn't make him go. Suddenly this trip takes on a whole different dynamic. I'm not trying to sound cold or unfeeling but if you've ever been a caregiver (and I have), you know how difficult it can be. My mom is his main caregiver now and giving her a weekend away from that life, that stress, sounded good. It sounded good to her too. That is until I asked what Dad will be doing for the weekend we're away and she said, "he wants to stay home alone." Oh no... oh no no no that is so not going to happen! At this point my mom just kind of shrugged and said, "if that's what he wants to do, then he can do it." She said he was going to call his brother (my uncle duh) and ask him to come by a few times and check on him and that was that. No. This is not enough. Granted my father can do a lot more for himself than he does, but I don't think 3 days alone is the time to test those waters. And mom was just so focused on being away, seeing her extended family and just basking in the time to herself she wasn't really thinking clearly. And she's 80.
When I went home that day I called my brother and we talked about the fact that dad should not be alone all that time and were trying to think of solutions. All was calm, no drama. Although I will say that I was a tad bit annoyed that my brother (and his nurse wife, hello!) did not offer to go check on dad at all the weekend we'll be away. Remember that no help I was talking about? A day goes by and all is quiet. And then, it's Friday morning and at 8 am my sister calls from Alabama in a tizzy. She's in an uproar because dad is going to be alone that weekend. I'm just waking up and I'm confused. Everything was being worked out as far as I knew. But as it turns out my uncle was busy and could not come by to check on him (not at all, all weekend. Remember that no help I was talking about?). This is the story of my life. Everyone is too busy to help out. I don't get that luxury. So as I listen to her rant and rave and try to bark out orders on what has to be done, my cell phone rings and it's my brother in Florida. I hang up with sis to talk to him and he too is in a tizzy, although his tizzies are calmer and more level headed.
Apparently all hell broke loose on Thursday and I had no idea. Mom got in a fight with Cleveland bro, who seems to think mom is being selfish for wanting something for herself and basically told her so. Aunt told mom "I cannot believe you would leave him alone a whole weekend," thus piling the guilt trip on her more (even though she and my uncle couldn't be bothered to check on him). Mom in turn tries to force dad to go to Chicago and the screaming escalates to fever pitch. Florida bro just happened to call mom after all this happened and she was upset and crying. No one bothered to tell me any of this at the time. Instead, Florida bro and Alabama sis spoke to each other and decided they needed to step in. This may sound counter to what I've said previously about no one stepping up to help out but if they are going to panic every time something happens, then they need to butt the fuck out. They do not live here. They don't know how things are on a day to day basis. They always end up making things worse. Help is only good if it's actually helpful. If they had just called me when all this shit was going down (drama drama drama!!!) things might not have escalated. But the sad fact is, no matter how much I do for how long (I have been basically in charge of my mom and dad for 6 years now) I am still the youngest (even though I'm 46) and I am still looked upon as not being able to handle anything. Newsflash, I handle EVERYTHING.
So as Florida bro is telling me about a call he put in to a friend who has an ill father and wondering what she does when she needs help (a good idea), I tell him that our cousin is a paid companion for the elderly and, even though he's going to Chicago as well, maybe he knows someone. He likes this idea so I hang up with him, call my sister back and tell her. She's down with it, and then I call mom and, although I don't yell at her I do make it very clear that I'm very unhappy that she did not call me and inform me about all the angst. And that I had to find out from my out of state brother and sister what is going on with her and my father, whom I see every week and talk to almost every day. Then I tell her what I'm going to do and she too likes the idea. I call my cousin, we talk, he gives me the number of the place he works for. I call, they are incredibly helpful and understanding. This is what they do. They are hired. We have someone coming in each day from 1 pm to 7 pm. They will make him lunch, hang out with him for the day, make him dinner, clean up and go. Lalia to the rescue yet again. Wouldn't it just be easier if everyone could realize that I know what the fuck I'm doing. I know how to handle stress situations with our parents. And if they can't just fucking chill and come up with a solution without all the drama and screaming, they should all just shut the fuck up.
And PS we're all pissed off at Cleveland bro for offering NO help whatsoever.
And now that that is settled, I hope to actually enjoy the weekend in Chicago with my mom.
Several weeks ago I wrote about my first job interview in 11 years. Against all odds I landed that interview and against even more odds, it went amazingly well. Seriously well. In fact it went so well I thought I was a shoe in. I tried not to think that, but I felt it.
I was pretty terrified. I guess in the big scheme I don't know why I'm filled with such terror. Really, what's the worst that can happen? They don't hire me. Anyway, the very first thing he said to me was, "I don't like to conduct traditional interviews, I'd rather just talk." BIG PHEW! I can talk to anyone. This was going to be a breeze. And it was. We hit it off so easily and talked about everything from what the company does, and what they expect of the person they hire to what I've been doing for the past 11 years and my work experience previous to that. We talked about how we both have iPads and talked about some of our fave apps. And as we were winding down the interview and he was giving me the particulars of when they want someone in place, he said to me, "let me get you all the new hire paperwork." Holy shit! Now do you see why I thought I was a shoo in? I know I've been out of the job game for awhile but is that the norm? When I got home and opened the packet it consisted of company policies, a form to fill out if I want direct deposit, insurance applications. All the things you need when you are hired at a new company.
After that interview I felt amazing! Confident and calm. Happy and feeling like yes, everything was falling into place. It was amazing. It's very true that when you are feeling that good about yourself, people notice and look at you differently. I know this because right afterward I was pumping gas and must have been smiling or something because the guy who was pumping gas into his motorcycle at the pump across from me was staring. Then he gave me the up and down look and, I shit you not, I got one of these...
And I'm all...
I had several days of being on cloud nine. So confident and at the same time shocked that it was happening. It was really happening. I made a plan, followed through and it was all happening according to that plan.
And now it's a little over a month later and nothing. No job. I did all the right things. I wrote a thank you note after the interview and mailed it, with a stamp and everything. I emailed a few weeks later to make sure they knew I was still interested and when I still didn't get a call, a week or so later I called to find out if the position had been filled. At that time I was told it hadn't, that I was still in the running and that a decision would be made within a week and I would hear back either way. That was two weeks ago. I haven't heard back either way. I suppose we could argue that since I haven't heard anything either way that they delayed the hiring again or haven't made a decision. But the confidence I was feeling has plummeted and I now believe that I have not gotten this job. And the unfortunate thing is that I have no other interviews lined up. I never stopped sending out resumes, but I have nothing on the horizon. And that sucks. Patience is definitely not my best thing. In fact it's one of my worst things. I want what I want and I want it now. I hate waiting. I hate that I have to count on other people to help me make things happen. Can't we just get on with it!
Well thank you Ms. Redhead! My friend Janine over at Reflections from a Red Head has tagged me this cute bloggers game. Questions, answers, tags... all kinds of fun stuff and a nice little distraction from all the angst of late.
Here are the rules:
1. The first rule of the tag is never discuss the tag... wait, no, that's not right.
1. Post the rules 2. Answer the questions the tagger set for the post 3. Create 11 new questions to ask the people you've tagged (or use the existing ones) 4. Tag people with a link to your post (it says tag 11 but I don't know 11!) 5. Let them know they've been tagged.
Here's my Q & A
What is the thing that makes you want to get out of bed each day? Who says I get out of bed each day?
What do you tell yourself to get through painful, difficult, or challenging times? It had been: "It has to get better." I DO NOT and I repeat I DO NOT EVER say "it can't get much worse" because it always can. But lately I'm trying to go more along these lines...
What can you look back on and remind yourself you were successful at, or were strong enough to come through? My father's illness, eight months of hell, doctors, surgeries and recuperation.
Look around you at this moment and choose one thing to smile about or be thankful for. What is it?My beautiful kitties Murphy, Jett and Bowie.
If you could do anything at this moment to make yourself happy, what would it be?No comment. =)
Do you have a special place, real or imagined, where you go to in your mind or reality to regroup, seek peace, or just be?A nearby park that I haven't been to lately because it's about 95 fucking degrees outside every day and I can't cope with the heat.
Has there been a particular book that you have read that inspired or motivated you to seek your potential?"Fear of Flying" by Erica Jong. There is so much in that book that made me sit back and think that there is so much more to life.
What childhood fable, fairytale, or movie stretched your imagination and sticks with you today?Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. The Gene Wilder version. It showed that no matter what your station in life, you can achieve your hearts desire. And there's chocolate!
What is your favorite form of art and artist (anyone and anything you consider art qualifies)?Music. Music speaks to me. It's always there for me. It helps me cope. It cheers me up. It commiserates with me when I'm down. It never hurts me.
Do you have a personal anthem, a song, that reminds you of who you are and want to be, that represents the ideal of you?No, I really don't think I do. I'll have to think on that one.
What did you experience while answering these questions?Some introspection. A little sadness. Some pride.
And now the taggies.... (remember, no pressure. you don't have to play if you don't want)
I'm standing on the edge of some very big decisions. Huge, life changing decisions. Decisions that I have spent years thinking about. Decisions that will change everything as I know it. Every. Single. Thing. It's terrifying and exciting.
I've been complacent. Content to live a non life. A life of sameness. Where nothing new ever happens. Where no trips are taken. Where going out has become a thing of the past. Where I feel like I'm drowning. Where I feel more like 76 than 46. And the breaking point has built and built over the years.
I've heard myself say this and when I hear myself say it, I think it sounds so fucking stupid, but it's so very true. I ran a very popular website and message board for 13 years. It took a lot of time. More time than I ever really knew until I let it go in January. Once that part of my life was closed, the amount of time I had was unreal. And the amount of time I had to think about how I wanted different things really started to weigh on me. And weigh on me. And weigh on me. More and more my thoughts turned to things I want to do, to accomplish, to change.
I've said before that it's been pointed out to me that perhaps I am having a midlife crisis. And I've said before that I don't think that is what is happening. And I don't. I think I have just finally woken up. I have finally seen that a life of nothingness is not fulfilling. The decisions that I'm making are painful and difficult. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if once the decisions are made if I will be happier. That's the thing about really big important decisions... you have no way of knowing if they are the right ones until you actually make them and then either way you have to live with them. So yeah, pretty scary.
So what do you do? Do you risk everything for a chance at something better (and also risk something far worse?) or do you continue on the path of safety? Safety sucks. Safety is boring. I think I'm really done with safety. I want more... so much more.
And that brings up another question... am I being selfish? Maybe, probably. But so fucking what. For so long I have lived my life for everyone else. Everyone but me. And I finally realize there is something wrong with that picture. I'm 46 years old and I'm not getting any younger. It's time to live for Lalia.
This Friday I have my first job interview in over 10 years. Quite honestly, I cannot even believe it's happening. I haven't been looking all that long, I haven't applied to too many places and I've had a very defeatist attitude about it. My reality is that I have not worked outside my home for 11 years. I do not have a very professional look. My skills are rusty. This doesn't exactly sound like the makings of a good job candidate IMO. My friends kept telling me to be confident. That any company would be lucky to have me. That my life experience over the past 11 years is invaluable. I kind of thought they were blowing smoke up my ass! But maybe it worked. I started to see things a little differently.
And then a miracle happens. After only about 3 or 4 weeks of looking, company saw my resume online and actually wants to meet with me. It's an interesting business and it's in my ideal location. I have an interview on Friday. I'm absolutely terrified!
I haven't been in an office setting for so long and when I was it was so laid back. In fact, it was just me and one other person and most of the time she traveled so I was alone. I loved it. Quite frankly if that office hadn't been closed down I might even still be there. Eh, maybe not. I think I would have had to eventually branch out and discover myself. But that's besides the point. I'm talking about the here and the now. And the now is, that I have a job interview. On Friday. And I have 3 days left to prepare myself. I need clothes to hide visible tattoo's. I need to familiarize myself with the company. I need to find a portfolio in my room of crap and make a few copies of my resume to have on hand. I need to calm the fuck down and take everyone's advice and just go in and be myself.
It's my first interview and I don't expect it to equate to actually getting a job. I suppose stranger things have happened, but it seems unlikely. I guess that's probably the wrong attitude to have as well so I will have to adjust that mindset by Friday too.
I've discovered so many things I want in life over the past year... well discovered is probably the wrong word, it's more like realized or even let myself finally think about those things, and the first step in getting what I want is getting a job. Once I have it, then plans can be made and things can start happening. It's an exciting time, a scary time, and OMG a seriously amazing time in my life right now. The biggest thing that I have realized through all this self discovery is, it's not too late!
