Sunday, July 1, 2012

Scary Exciting

I'm standing on the edge of some very big decisions.  Huge, life changing decisions.  Decisions that I have spent years thinking about.  Decisions that will change everything as I know it.  Every. Single. Thing.  It's terrifying and exciting. 

I've been complacent.  Content to live a non life.  A life of sameness.  Where nothing new ever happens.  Where no trips are taken.  Where going out has become a thing of the past.  Where I feel like I'm drowning.  Where I feel more like 76 than 46.  And the breaking point has built and built over the years. 

I've heard myself say this and when I hear myself say it, I think it sounds so fucking stupid, but it's so very true.  I ran a very popular website and message board for 13 years.  It took a lot of time.  More time than I ever really knew until I let it go in January.  Once that part of my life was closed, the amount of time I had was unreal.  And the amount of time I had to think about how I wanted different things really started to weigh on me.  And weigh on me.  And weigh on me.  More and more my thoughts turned to things I want to do, to accomplish, to change.

I've said before that it's been pointed out to me that perhaps I am having a midlife crisis.  And I've said before that I don't think that is what is happening.  And I don't.  I think I have just finally woken up.  I have finally seen that a life of nothingness is not fulfilling. The decisions that I'm making are painful and difficult.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I don't know if once the decisions are made if I will be happier.  That's the thing about really big important decisions... you have no way of knowing if they are the right ones until you actually make them and then either way you have to live with them.  So yeah, pretty scary.

So what do you do?  Do you risk everything for a chance at something better (and also risk something far worse?) or do you continue on the path of safety?  Safety sucks.  Safety is boring.  I think I'm really done with safety.  I want more... so much more.

And that brings up another question... am I being selfish?  Maybe, probably.  But so fucking what.  For so long I have lived my life for everyone else.  Everyone but me.  And I finally realize there is something wrong with that picture.  I'm 46 years old and I'm not getting any younger.  It's time to live for Lalia.


  1. Good for you! Text or email me if you want or need to talk.

  2. Tough decisions are always painful to make mainly because they are never safe. 'Safe' sounds some people, while some people can only take it in small doses. Some ppl however really are incompatible with it. These must be terrifying times for your Lalia, but exciting too right? Whatever it is, I wish you the best. I know exactly what this feeling is about and I'm suspecting it comes with age. I'm almost 40 and I can appreciate all your points and feel that this is beginning to happen to me too. Good luck to us.

  3. You go girl! I tell you now, waking up is terrifying but also very's just figuring out what in the world you are going to do - because the world is your oyster :) and there is so much to choose from.

  4. I wish you the best of luck. I can only tell you what I did to help you take the plunge: I set up my own business a year ago and I have never looked back. I am so much happier...

  5. I don't believe in midlife crisis. When I was 40, I reflected on where my life was, and what I wanted to do with the rest of it. My decision to go to nursing school was a choice, not the result of a crisis. I have never regretted my choice. You follow your heart G. It won't steer you wrong. And NO GUILT. Unnecessary guilt is a wasted emotion, and very overrated. xo