Just feeling it today...

And So It Begins...

This Friday I have my first job interview in over 10 years.  Quite honestly, I cannot even believe it's happening.  I haven't been looking all that long, I haven't applied to too many places and I've had a very defeatist attitude about it.  My reality is that I have not worked outside my home for 11 years.  I do not have a very professional look.  My skills are rusty.  This doesn't exactly sound like the makings of a good job candidate IMO.  My friends kept telling me to be confident.  That any company would be lucky to have me.  That my life experience over the past 11 years is invaluable.  I kind of thought they were blowing smoke up my ass!  But maybe it worked.  I started to see things a little differently.

And then a miracle happens.  After only about 3 or 4 weeks of looking, company saw my resume online and actually wants to meet with me.  It's an interesting business and it's in my ideal location.  I have an interview on Friday.  I'm absolutely terrified!

I haven't been in an office setting for so long and when I was it was so laid back.  In fact, it was just me and one other person and most of the time she traveled so I was alone.  I loved it.  Quite frankly if that office hadn't been closed down I might even still be there.  Eh, maybe not.  I think I would have had to eventually branch out and discover myself.   But that's besides the point.  I'm talking about the here and the now.  And the now is, that I have a job interview.  On Friday.  And I have 3 days left to prepare myself.  I need clothes to hide visible tattoo's.  I need to familiarize myself with the company.  I need to find a portfolio in my room of crap and make a few copies of my resume to have on hand.  I need to calm the fuck down and take everyone's advice and just go in and be myself.

It's my first interview and I don't expect it to equate to actually getting a job.  I suppose stranger things have happened, but it seems unlikely.  I guess that's probably the wrong attitude to have as well so I will have to adjust that mindset by Friday too.

I've discovered so many things I want in life over the past year... well discovered is probably the wrong word, it's more like realized or even let myself finally think about those things, and the first step in getting what I want is getting a job.  Once I have it, then plans can be made and things can start happening.  It's an exciting time, a scary time, and OMG a seriously amazing time in my life right now.  The biggest thing that I have realized through all this self discovery is, it's not too late!

Times Are A-Changin

Is it a midlife crisis when you reach a certain age and discover you want something completely different out of life than what you already have?  I guess some people would call it that but I don't think it is.  I think it's self discovery.  Over the past year and a half to five years, so much about my life has changed and it continues to change.  It's scary and exciting all at the same time.

Things started to move in a different direction when my dad got sick.  I dedicated a year of my life to his care.  Maybe that doesn't seem like a lot, maybe it does.  To me it does.  Because I continue to be the go to gal for my parents.  They have come to depend on me a bit more than I care to admit.  And I struggle with it.  I struggle with my own feelings of wishing they were more independent.  They can be, they chose not to be.  And I try so hard to force the issue.  But you cannot teach old dogs new tricks.  They are dependent.  And it will only get worse.  To some degree I allow it I suppose, because they will not do things for themselves.  They just refuse.  So my feelings are, on the one hand, resentful.  Resentful that I don't have the help with them I need or the the time to pursue my own dreams because they take up a lot of my time.  On the other hand, I am thankful that I am able to do things for them that they need.  I hear myself thinking, "when they are gone you'll be so happy you were able to be there for them."  That's true, I will be.  But at what cost to my own personal well being?

Through these years since dad's illness, I felt in the back of my mind that life was passing me by.  That I had nothing for myself.  That I needed something for me.  I had my websites, and they kept me busy.  And then, all that changed.  It was time to move on from the main website, the one I have had since 1998.  And on January 20, I did.  And when I actually did it, I felt a weight lift from somewhere deep inside.  Don't get me wrong, the site was very good to me.  I met some wonderful people and had some once in a lifetime experiences.  But it weighed me down.  It blinded me to how empty I was feeling.  It masked how I was feeling inside.  And now that it's gone, I feel ready to pursue new challenges.  I want to do more, see more, experience more.  In my own mind it seems so strange.  How could ending a website bring all these feelings out of me, especially since it was something I loved?  I don't claim to understand it.  I know that since ending it I have wanted so much more from my own life that I didn't know I wanted before.

Changes are coming.  I'm actively pursuing work.  I love my little business but it's not enough for me anymore.  The work is sporadic and not fulfilling.  On the one hand change is terrifying.  Who would hire me after being out of the work force for over 10 years?  I don't want to change who I am, I want to change what I'm doing.  Is my purple hair going to be a problem?  Probably, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.  And what if I fail?  What if things don't turn out how I think they will.  But the thing is, I can what if myself to death.  There will always be a scary "what if" lurking somewhere.  I have a pretty amazing support system and I'm really excited about the future.  There is something to be said about breaking out of your comfort zone.

Do You Believe?

I woke up this morning with a start.  It was later than I usually wake, around 9:15 am.  I had been awake for part of the night/morning and finally fell back asleep somewhere after 7 am.  Immediately I realized my heart was racing.  I had been dreaming about my friend J who passed away in late March.  We were sitting at a kitchen table.  If I really look around it was not my house, it was not her house.  It was not the house I grew up in, which is where I usually dream dreams of being at home.  It was my Grandma's kitchen.  I don't really know why I would dream us in my Grandma's kitchen, J had never been there. But if I had to guess I would say that it indicates that J and Grandma are together.  But I don't know.

I had so many questions for J, mostly about what is going on with her family.  Very recently I have been aware of a situation within her family that is most unfortunate.  It happened after she passed.  So I asked her about it as I fussed around trying to make coffee or something.   She sat at the table, looking so beautiful and so peaceful.  If I really think about it and concentrate on this dream, someone was in the living room waiting, and I think it was my Grandma.  Sure wish she had come into the kitchen to say Hi, but I think she was there for moral support for J. 

We spoke about the situation and she told me how she knows her son will get through it, that he is strong and has good support in his dad.  I was relieved to hear that because watching from the sidelines has been difficult and I keep wondering if I should reach out to him and see if he's OK.  It cannot be easy for him to be going through this so soon after he lost his mom.  She told me that he has, of course, moved back home and things would be OK.

We didn't talk about her but I could see by looking at her and being near her that she looked at peace.  She told me she was fine.  She looked the same as always.  She had her hair, she wore her glasses.  She was my J and she didn't want to dwell on herself, just wanted to assure me her son would be fine.

So, do you believe that was an actual visit or just a vivid dream?  I believe it was a visit.  It's happened to me before with a friend who had passed away a long time ago.  M was only 21 at the time, I was 22.  He died of a brain tumor and I was devastated to lose him.  I had a very hard time coping.  It was my first serious brush with losing someone so close to me.  It was several weeks, maybe even months after he passed away that I saw him.  I could not get him out of my mind and cried a lot.  Then one morning, as if in a dream, he appeared to me.  He sat on the edge of my bed looking almost luminescent.  He told me he was fine, to stop worrying about him and to go on with my life.  I was filled with such peace after that and was able to move on.  I've never forgotten him or that visit, obviously, but I was able to move past it. 

I think you have to be open to such visits for them to actually occur.  I would give anything to have them more frequently.  I would love to see my Grandma, J, M.... hell even Butthole can come visit me if he wants to!  It's beautiful and meaningful and has given me a sense of calm about losing J.  Seeing her looking well and knowing my Grandma is with her, showing her the ropes if you will has been amazing. Maybe it's crazy to believe that, but if something like that can give me peace, so be it.  I'll take the crazy label.

Life is Too Short

Regular readers to this blog know that I recently lost a very good friend to cancer.  Yesterday I was handed another reminder of just how short life is.  It was my niece's first communion party.  My brother had told me about a year ago that his good friend JA has cancer, pancreatic cancer no less.  Devastating news.  JA is literally the only friend of my brothers that I ever liked. Ever.

Bro is 8 years older than me, and so we never really hung out in the same crowd.  He didn't approve of things I did and in general he always acted more like a father than a brother.  But JA is cool.  He's a super nice guy and he always had my back where bro was concerned.  I remember when I was just out of high school and between jobs.  Bro got into a pretty serious accident.  He was working landscaping at the time and was on a tractor when his shoelace got caught on the gas peddle.  He couldn't get it out and was thrown from the tractor with his foot still attached to the gas peddle.   The tractor dragged him for a bit, tearing his shirt off and then most of the skin off his back.  It was horrible!  His back was completely raw.  He came back home to stay with us while he was recuperating.  My mom was too nervous to do the things that needed to be done for him, like change his dressing several times a day and clean his wounds, so I did it.  I took care of him for several weeks while he recovered.  I didn't do much of anything else.  And then JA came over to see him. JA took me into the kitchen and said, "go... go out.  Do something else, I'll stay with him."  A much needed break that he knew I needed, and I went.  And I never forgot it. A bond was formed that day.  From then on he was my friend too.  JA is someone I love.

When he got married it was like he was my kindred spirit.  Married on Halloween, he and his wife had a costume wedding and he was Frankenstein and she was Bride of Frankenstein.  I think those who know me know how I feel about that!   It was awesome!

In the best of times, or the worst of times, JA was always there.  When my brothers friends were calling me a freak and asking bro why I looked the way I looked, JA had my back again.  He stood up for me with the closed minded.

And now, on the occasion of my niece's first communion party, bro told me JA would be there.  My niece is his goddaughter after all.  But he wanted me to know that JA looks drastically different.  Both bro and sis in law let me know that he is almost unrecognizable. And I thank them both for preparing me.  Because I don't think I would have been prepared for what I saw when JA came in.  He had aged a lot and was so painfully thin it's hard to even imagine, let alone see him.  It has been less than a year since I last saw him and it seems like way longer.  He was still the same JA as always though, even given this dreaded illness that he is trying to fight.  I tried hard not to talk about that, when you're going through it, do you really want to keep telling people about your treatments and things?  I imagine not, so I didn't bring it up and we just talked about general stuff.  He stayed a little while, ate well and soon had to leave.  In all likelihood that was the last time I will ever see him.

When the party was over, I thanked my sister in law and bro for letting me know what to expect ahead of time, and still, I wasn't prepared.  Sis in law said that he told someone at the party that he doesn't have much time left.  And that is when I broke down.   Much like J, JA is exhibiting a strength and dignity that I am simply in awe of.  I didn't want to lose J, and I don't want to lose JA.  I know I have zero control over that, but it sucks.  I hate it.  I don't want to lose people I love.  Who does really huh?

Life is too fucking short.  The more things like this happen, the more I tend to reexamine my life and want to make some changes to it.  Being content with sameness is unacceptable anymore.  I'm 46 years old.  I'm not getting any younger.  If something happens to me, like with J or JA, will I have a full life to look back on?  I don't know.  I know there is something missing.  I know there are so many things I want to do.  I know that I am going to go after what I want.  I just wish it didn't take such devastating losses to wake one up to these truths.

Life Gets in the Way

It's hard to believe that it's been a month since I last wrote.  I've missed it.  I've missed my PBAU peeps.  At times I'm at a loss as to what to write about.... whether it be too much to say or not enough.  Today I'm compelled to tell you about the movies I've seen, the books I have read and in general what I've been up to.  First up is the movie Cabin in the Woods.  I don't go to movies often, for no reason really.  I love going to the movies.  I love the whole experience of it.  Chock up the lack of going to them to one of the many things the man isn't into doing.  Suddenly in a span of 3 days, I saw two movies.  Cabin in the Woods is the latest bit of crazy from Joss Whedon.  Ahhh Joss, how I love you.  This is the man responsible for the TV shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel.  And if you're a fan of those shows, you will see some blasts from those pasts.... Amy Acker (Fred from Angel) and Tom Lenk (Andrew from Buffy).  On a whole I give this movie a thumbs up.  It's truly fucked up in the best possible way.

It put me back in touch with my love of horror movies.  It was creepy and weird, bloody but not in a slasher flick kind of way.  It rocked.

Two days later I went to see Hunger Games.  Now, I would probably never go see this movie, nor would I probably watch it when it comes to cable.  I didn't read the books and after reading the Twilight series, I vowed never to read another young adult series ever again.  Seriously, you give Twilight to a vampire lover such as myself and you get vampires with no fangs who sparkle in the sun?  Ugh.  But more on that later.  My Goddaughter asked me to take her to see Hunger Games so alas, what is one to do?  Of course I had to take her.  I was worried though, that I might embarrass her.  Why?  Well she is 12 years old.  Do you remember being 12?  I do.  Everything and everybody is embarrassing.  And when you are suddenly in public with your purple haired Godmother, well, that could be embarrassing to someone who is not used to being around you all that much.  But she was fine, and the funny thing?  Just about everyone in the movie has an interesting colored hair!  So instead of weird looks or the stinkeye that I normally get, I got knowing looks because people just assumed I was a Hunger Games groupie! Interestingly, I actually liked the movie!  It had a level of violence to it that I didn't expect.  Which, to me, is a bonus.  And a blue haired Stanley Tucci was in it, big bonus!  I loves me some Stanley Tucci.

So those were my two forays into a movie theatre this past month.  I also caught three movies on cable this month.... Horrible Bosses, Bridesmaids and Fight Club.  The first two were really freakin funny and I highly recommend them both.   The third came highly recommended to me from a friend who was somewhat appalled that I had never seen it.  Why did I never see it before!?  It was intense and interesting and surprising and wow, just wow.  Thanks for the recommendation T!

And then we have books... I read the 10th book in the Black Daggar Brotherhood series by JR Ward called Lover Reborn.  These are probably my favorite of the vampire erotica genre that I've read.  The vamps are hot, sexy, love to fuck, fight and bite.  They are rich and devoted and did I mention they love to fuck?  They aren't pansy vampires who only kill animals.  They are flawed and scarred and did I mention they love to fuck?  I think I might have.  Admittedly the series is not as good as it used to be, but alas, I am addicted to those brothers.

I also read... *hanging my head in shame* 50 Shades of Grey.  Have you read it?  Have you heard of it?   Well let me enlighten you if you haven't.  The book started out as Twilight fan fiction and somehow, someway it was picked up and the woman who wrote it got a three book, book deal out of it!  It was out of morbid curiosity that I decided reading a version of Twilight where Edward has balls and Bella gets her ass fucked was necessary. 50 Shades changes the names, the locations, adds in BDSM, and takes out the supernatural element.  But if you read Twilight, you will see all the similarities between the two.  So much so that I cannot believe that the woman who wrote it, EL James, actually got a book deal.  It's a complete rip off!

So books, movies and what else have I been doing for the last month or so?  I competed with a friend in Cleveland's Finest Hors D'Oeuvre contest.  It was an absolute blast!!!  We didn't win, but seriously had a good time.  I've also been cleaning a lot of crap out of my life, meaning cleaning house and purging things I just don't need.  I've started selling on Ebay again, and whatever I don't think I can sell goes to Goodwill.  I got a new computer (yah!!!   Oh my darling Gracious Plenty - the name of my new IMac - I love you so!  I'm still trying to get used to the Magic Mouse though, that scrolling thing is tricky) and in general I have been looking after me.  I don't do that very often.  It's kind of weird, but feels good too.

Goodbye Dear Friend

I've written about J before, a few times.  How much she has enhanced my life and how she was a big inspiration for me in starting this blog.  I've written how she has been battling lung cancer, a non smoker, and the unfairness I have felt that she contracted the disease.  And now it is with a heavy heart and a lot of sadness that I must say she has lost the war with cancer on March 24.

She fought every battle with utmost grace and a dignity that I can only hope to aspire to.  Every setback was met with optimism.  Every victory, with joy.  In the year and nine months since her diagnosis, she looked cancer in the eye and met it head on.  It's a testament to her courageous spirit.  Sure, at the beginning she wanted to bury her head in the sand and not face it, but once that initial terror/denial ended, she was all strength.  I dont' know that I can adequately do her justice because truly she is the bravest person I ever knew.  And I will miss her every single day.  On the surface, if anyone saw us together they would wonder what these two women have in common.  But it was what we had below the surface that really mattered. She was 12 years older than me, but it never made a difference.  She had a completely different life than I do, but that didn't matter either.  She saw a lot in me that I sometimes have trouble seeing.  And I saw in her a beautiful soul with a glorious sense of humor.  We clicked immediately and have been friends since around 1996.

In January, things were looking up.  The cancer in her lung was all but gone and nothing more than scar tissue.  Unfortunately it had spread and there was a spot on her liver.   After several different courses of chemo for the liver cancer, that cough came back.  The cough that was the beginning of everything.  And I knew this was a bad sign.  A very bad sign.  But I tried hard not to let myself think it.  I didn't want to.  I knew it was getting down to the wire and that her doctor was running out of treatment options.  That cough.  It nagged at me.

Through it all she was helping plan her son's wedding and hired me to make candy boxes for the rehearsal dinner.  Every time we needed to contact each other it had to be via text or email because once she started to talk the cough took over.  And still I tried to remain in denial.  I just didn't want to think the worst.  I wanted to be optimistic even though the last time I did speak to her, she had told me she's made peace with everything.  Strength. Grace.  Dignity.

On March 7, her husband called me to let me know that J's treatment options have been exhausted.  There was nothing more anyone could do and she was now under hospice care.  Her son's rehearsal dinner was the next day, the wedding on March 10.  Would she be able to go was my question.  Yes, she was going to the wedding come hell or high water, but had opted out of the rehearsal so she could conserve her energy.  Good plan.  And she did go to the wedding and from the pictures I saw, she looked beautiful.

On March 14, I received a letter in the mail from her.  A letter that in essence was a goodbye. Devastating and yet beautiful.  Something I will cherish.  And a part of which I will share with you....

You are and always will be someone who touched my life in so many positive ways.  A little bit of you will always be in me.  Much love forever, J

After drying my tears, I texted her to thank her for the beautiful letter and tell her again that I love her and how brave she is.  She replied:

Hold on to it and read it when you need a little J in your life.  I love you so very much!

I told her I would hold onto it forever, and I will.  How do you say goodbye to someone so dear, so special, so a part of you?  I don't know.  But I will be traveling to Cincinnati this weekend for her Memorial service so I can try to do that.  Oh how I wish I could be going there again for a visit, to hang out with her and her husband.  To meet her new daughter in law.  How I wish it were anything but the reason I am going there.  Love you forever J.