Saturday, August 27, 2011

Wonder

Over the past couple of weeks I haven't had much to say. It's a first I assure you.  I know I'm not done telling you my goofy stories.  I know there are things going on my life I'd like to write about.  So why can't I just sit down and do it?  I don't know.  Have I completely lost my mojo?  My ability to express myself?  My humor?  My bawdiness?  Nah.  I'm just in a rut because nothing really good has happened lately.  The man is still out of work. Six months now.  My business is slow, very slow.  Things kind of blow right now and I'm tired.  Really really tired. A lot.

But I have a fantasy world that I escape to.  Where money isn't a concern, it's just there when needed.   In fact, in my fantasy world I never think of money at all.  I can spend it if needed or not.  I can shop or not.  I can go out to eat or cook for myself.  It's a happy place, my fantasy world, where I'm thin and happy.  When I'm there I think about sex.  A lot of sex, which I guess makes it a lot like my real world in that way.  But my fantasy world takes me to a place where all I have to think about is happiness and pleasure and none of the day to day drudgery that I seem to be facing lately.  It sounds like a pretty great place to go.  And he's there. The one I dream about.  The one who dreams about me. And we're living, loving and fucking.  It's an amazing dream that gives me moments of happiness hope when so often lately I feel hopeless.

I don't know where the fantasy world is but it's not Akron, Ohio.   In my dream of dreams, I don't dream of living here.  It's not that I dislike it, it's that it's not a place I feel I belong.  At times I think I'm destined for greatness.  And whether or not that sounds egotistical, is not a concern to me.  Greatness doesn't come from Akron, unless you're Chrissie Hynde or Lebron James.  Do I have a destiny really?  Or do I have delusions of grandeur.  At 45 years old, is this my mid-life crisis?  A crisis where I'm just sick of my life and want to leave it all behind and start over?  Can't I just be like a guy and buy a fucking motorcycle and be done with it? Why the introspection? Why the feelings of utter failure? Where do I go from here?

I have no doubt that I am loved by the people in my life. And yet, there's always something missing.  Something that is just out of my reach.  Something I want to achieve.  Somewhere I want to be.  And it aches deep inside that I cannot get to it.  I don't know where to go to find it.  I don't know how to make it happen.  And I feel helpless and weak.   I feel failure.  I feel like I'll never know what it is and wonder.  Wonder what it could be that I'm missing.  Will I always wonder?
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13 comments:

  1. AmandaAugust 27, 2011 at 8:38 PM

    A very poignant post, Lalia - one that rings with truth. I hope you find what you are missing.

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  2. cathAugust 27, 2011 at 10:01 PM

    Gigi, there's nothing I could say here that won't sound trite. So I'll just say that fantasy can be a good thing, to get through the rough spots in life. Been there, done that. I think it's a healthy coping skill.
    ~cath xo

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  3. Holly JahangiriAugust 27, 2011 at 10:24 PM

    Hey, I grew up near Akron! Have you hiked Summit Parks? Explored the Gorge? Checked out Mary Campbell Cave? Have you gone to Cedar Point, pretended to be a kid again? Any good concerts at Blossom Music Center? Go lay on the lawn, listen to music, count the stars...

    Funny. I know how you feel, but sometimes I feel like I DO belong there, not here. I don't think you can go back - it's not the same. But I miss having four seasons, and you're moving into the most beautiful time of the year there, now. Here we get two: Hot and Cold. Cold lasts about three days. Used to be Hot and Rainy or Hot and Dry. Only this year, it's been Freeze-Your-Butt-Off and OMG-the-Birds-Are-Panting-Like-Dogs.

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  4. JANUAugust 28, 2011 at 12:13 AM

    Laila, I know the feeling. Many of us go through this sort of phase in one's life. Some end quickly, some go on for some time that it seems eternity.Things will work out, have faith. Love.

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  5. hocamAugust 28, 2011 at 2:26 AM

    Lalia, I'm sorry that you feel a sense of something missing and hope you discover what it is. Greatness can come from anywhere, but it is how you measure or define greatness. To me it is the person that you are that makes you great or not and you score on that one.
    As for fantasy, anything that helps you get through hard times has to be good. Take care of yourself Lalia.

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  6. MuMuGBAugust 28, 2011 at 5:50 AM

    Lalia, I feel for you. Just like you, I just don't know where life is taking me and, frankly, it is daunting...Maybe the problem is that we want to achieve greatness. Maybe we are just too harsh on ourselves?

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  7. Thom BrownAugust 28, 2011 at 10:05 AM

    I think we have all been there, most of us anyway. Patience will be difficult but may be all you can control right now..

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  8. sweepyjeanAugust 28, 2011 at 11:55 AM

    Maybe whatever is missing you will find in your writing. Keep taking us to your fantasy world. Sounds like fun over there! ;p

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  9. HajraAugust 28, 2011 at 1:20 PM

    We have all been there and no matter what life gives you, sometimes we feel something amiss.
    Now I don't have words of advice because sometimes I am stuck there myself and don't know what comes next and whether I will always wonder. The one thing that remains is that we could try to work on what we are wondering. Whether our wonderment is something that can be worked on; if something is amiss can we try completing it; can we try to work on it; can we make it better so that sense of satisfaction creeps in and we feel a sense of achievement; so that every time we are wondering next, we just get up and do it!

    Hope you find that what you are looking for! Hope we all do! :)

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  10. LaurenAugust 28, 2011 at 1:34 PM

    I agree with Sweepyjean -- take us along with you into your fantasy world -- keep writing.

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  11. Penelope J.August 28, 2011 at 6:11 PM

    So often I've been in exactly the same place where you are in life. I'm stuck in this life and how do I get out of it, make a change, make it worthwhile, find something that can pull it all together, etc. I think these feelings tend to hit us more in mid-life when we're still young inside but our aging exterior or situation may drag us down. Fantasy used to play a big part in my life and it came to my rescue many times, especially in the form of writing. That's when you can be anyone, do anything, go anywhere and have the most incredible adventures you can dream up. Precisely what you mention in your second paragraph. So use fantasy for all it's worth.

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  12. Samantha BangayanAugust 29, 2011 at 12:43 AM

    I seem to have gone through this so-called phase a few times in my life and I always metaphorically "buy the motorcycle." =P I jump right in, change things up and make something new happen with my life. Maybe you need to come here to live in Peru. =)

    If it's worth anything: I believe you're destined for greatness too. And ditto Adriene's comment -- love hearing about your fantasy world. Now let's make it a reality. =)

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  13. LaliaAugust 29, 2011 at 6:00 PM

    Thanks everyone for the amazing comments. xoxoxo

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