Mixed Emotions

This week All My Children was canceled.  It's still kind of hard to believe.  41 years on the air and come September, it will be gone.  It's been a part of my life since I started watching it in 1979.  And became an even bigger part of it in 1995 when I started reporting and writing about the show on the internet.  And then it became a huge part of my life in 1998 when I started my own website for it.

How I feel about it is a little hard to say.  I'm sad, absolutely.  I'm going to miss it a lot.  AMC has been very very good to me.  I love the show, I love the characters, I love the actors and actresses who have been part of it over the years.  Most of them anyway.  I have beautiful memories of storylines I've loved and bad memories of some real clunkers.  I have lots of memorabilia that I've collected or that fans have sent to me.  I have countless autographs, photos and letters from stars.  Hell I could make my own AMC museum!  It's taken up so much of my time through the years, I've had to rearrange schedules around it or around events.  And I never would have given it up.  Never.

Which brings me to the other thing I'm feeling now that it's been canceled.  FREE.  It's like a noose that has been around my neck for years suddenly got taken off.  I can see doors opening and new opportunities arising when I suddenly have more time to devote to other things.  I'm not going to be tied to my computer every Sunday anymore.  I'm not going to have to fight with crazy people who don't realize that I'm a real person but Erica Kane is not.  I won't have to justify myself to people who look down on soaps. 

It feels right.  It feels like it's time for me to move on.  I'm not leaving in a huff or in anger because I finally got sick of the crazies.  I'm not leaving because the storylines have gotten so bad that I just can't take it anymore and have nothing positive to say.  I'm not leaving at all.  It's being taken from me and I'm OK with it.  It's pretty amazing to feel this way.  I don't think I ever thought I would.  I thought I would be devastated that something that has been such a big part of my life for so many years was leaving.  I'm sure come September I will shed some tears.  I have no doubt about that actually.  But I can't help but be excited to find out what the future holds for me.  I hope whatever it is it brings me as much joy as I have gotten out of the PVB and AMC. 

When I look back on the almost 13 years I've had the website, I see that I am one lucky woman.  I have met so many wonderful people I would not have met otherwise.   I wouldn't have had my many trips to NYC and Orlando for soap events.  I would never have gone to LA for the Daytime Emmy's and had the experience of a lifetime.  I would never have gotten the amazing phone calls and letters from different stars through the years, just to say thank you for caring about the show.  I would never have had the opportunity I'm getting in July to go back to LA and meet more soap stars.   And who knows, I may never have really honed my writing the way I have over the years writing about AMC.  I may never have discovered how much that part of it is something I enjoy.  And now, come September when it's all over, maybe it will be time to write that book that so many of my friends have been telling me I should be writing.

Thank you AMC for all you've done for me.