Crossing the Crossroads

I know with every fiber of my being that I am at a crossroads in my life at this moment.  It's almost bizarre how things seem to be lining up for some big change to happen to me.  Maybe some of the things are unrelated, maybe I'm just weirdly lucky and unlucky at the same time.  Maybe I'm talking out my ass with no basis for anything.  I don't know.  I can't always articulate what I mean completely so bear with me.

Over the course of the last 10 months a lot has changed and a lot of things have been pushing me in directions I'm at times unclear about, but pushing me nonetheless.  How much is coincidence, how much is destiny?  How much do I believe is fate?  I find myself questioning things I never thought I'd question, things about my own life.  Is this what it's supposed to be?  Am I where I should be, with who I should be with?  Am I just having a midlife crisis?  Why do I suddenly want so much more and believe that I can have it?  Is this path leading me to a new career, one in food or one in writing or both? Or neither?

I've thought, at different times over the course of the past few years that I have incredible karma.  I started to write about that several times and then thought I might be jinxing it.  But I'm throwing caution to the wind here and I am going to talk about it.  Back in, hmm, I'd say September, I found out about a contest where, if you referred the most people to a particular website you would win a trip to Los Angeles.  I immediately believed I would win this contest.  It was a total no brainer.  The site in question had to do with soaps, I have my own soap site with a rather large following and all I needed to do was send a mass message to my readers with instructions on how the contest worked and I'm done.  So that's what I did.  And I did win, by a landslide I'm told.  No one else even came close.  So there it is, I'm going to Los Angeles in July.

And then, disaster strikes.  The man lost his job.  All the plans we had for tax return money went up in smoke so it could supplement his unemployment.  My business makes money here and there, but it's sporadic at best and not something we could live off of.  Now my winning trip is in jeopardy.  How could we afford it.  The contest won me airfare and two nights in a hotel.  But I planned on staying longer.  How could I now?   This is money we no longer have.  I am almost resigned to the fact that I will not be taking the trip but keep a modicum of hope alive.  I have until July after all. 

Strangely, last month I found out that after doing surveys online and in the mail for years, literally more than 10 years, I had finally won one of their contests.  First prize no less.  Another contest.  What is going on here?  This time I win a prize valued at $500.  Nice.  The choices are really sweet too, but in the end I chose a digital camera package.  My hope for the trip moves forward.  How could I not go when I'm getting this bitchin new camera so I can take great pics of everything I see and everyone I meet?

The camera doesn't come.  A month goes by and it never arrives.  It was supposed to take about two and a half weeks.  Nothing.  I watch the mail like a woman possessed every day.  I wait and wait, but nothing happens.  So I find a phone number and I call the survey company.  At first I'm given the run around a bit.  But then they finally call me back and tell me that since the camera is a Sony product and distributed from Japan, it might be some time before I get it because since the tsunami it's been very difficult to get things shipped from Japan.  Hmm.... what to do?   My choices were to wait (until who knows when), chose another gift or take the cash equivalent, which is $500.  So there it is, I am now going to be receiving a check for $500 and my trip dilemma is solved.  A fated trip, that forces somewhere really want me to go on.  No I'm not saying some unseen unknown force caused a tsunami so I could go on this trip.  But I am saying that I chose that camera that suddenly became unavailable and now I have the money I needed for this trip. 

And then, All My Children gets canceled and I'm suddenly free to pursue whatever might be headed my way.  Will I find out on this trip?   Will I find a new path even if it has nothing to do with Los Angeles?  It's all leading me somewhere and I'm so anxious to find out where.  I get tense and anxious.  I get irritable at things that I feel are keeping me in place, in a holding pattern that I want to break free of.  I hope it all becomes more clear as the months go by.  And I hope when I finally do see what it all is, I have the courage to pursue it.