A New Day, A New Attitude

My meltdown of a week ago is behind me.  I decided that dress was not meant to be... from the backorder, to the broken zipper, to a tear in the bodice (that I didn't even notice when I wrote my last entry).  It's sad because I loved that dress so much but it is what it is. And I won't be going out shopping for another one.  I will just make due with something I already have in my closet.  I'm just not at a point where I can buy something dressy and feel good in it yet.  I'm ok with that.  As my friend T so eloquently said to me this week...  

"We (myself included) tend to forget that weight loss/gain is a LOT like credit card debt. No one runs up $40,000 of credit card debt in just one year. It happens over a long period of time. You can't expect to pay off that much debt in just 6 months. Same with weight. You'll get there, I have faith."

I needed that reminder (although I think if I tried really hard, I could wrack up a $40,000 debt in one year on Fluevog's alone lol), thanks so much for that T and for everyone who messaged me or commented on my FB page. You all really did make me feel better after I spent a few days feeling like shit and beating the hell out of myself for not being where I want to be at this point in my challenge. I've been avoiding the scale and just feeling down about it all... the diet, some family stuff and other dramas that came out of nowhere. But if you know me, you know I can't be Debbie Downer for too long. It's just not me. I like to laugh too much. So I regrouped, tried very hard this week and discovered today that I am at a total of 12 lbs. lost! I was hoping to be closer to 20 lbs. lost at this point but I'll take it. In fact I'm pretty fucking thrilled. Onward and upward! I have 112 more days until the big day. I don't know that I can reach the goal but I'm going to give it my all! That's all I can really do right?

Emotions and Setbacks

You know that time you were on a diet and felt so good about it... so good that you couldn't wait to weigh yourself the coming week?  Yeah well my warm fuzzies about this diet have all but disappeared.  I've had some setbacks emotionally.  My attitude has changed a bit and I just don't feel as good about my progress as I was.

But then the big blow happened.  I decided to order a dress I've been eying online, to wear to the man's nieces wedding in October.  I even ordered it a size that I thought was too big so it can be altered.  I've been eying this dress a long long time.  And then it seemed to take a long time to get it. I contacted the company about it and they said it was backordered (um, a notice about that would have been nice).  But it seemed as though the backorder wouldn't be too long and I'd still have it in time for the wedding and if it needed alterations.

Well, the dress arrived today.  It arrived with a broken zipper, and even with the broken zipper, I tried to try it on.  Not going to happen.  There was no way this dress was going to get on my body, broken zipper or not.  And that is an emotional kick in the gut.  Especially when you think 1) you're doing so well and b) you bought it a size too big.

So now the dress goes back and I refuse.... REFUSE, to up the size.  I won't do it.  It's too mentally devastating when you're trying to make that number go down, to have to instead have it go up.  It hurts.  This now is reminding me of the time I was looking for a dress for my brothers wedding and I had crying jag after crying jag in dressing rooms of stores because that fucking number of a size devastates me so completely.

The funny thing is, most of the time I feel pretty good about myself.  Most of the time I think I'm pretty friggin hot in fact.  Today I feel like the fattest, ugliest person on the planet.  And all because of a number on dress with broken zipper, and I didn't even break it!

Is It So Wrong?

Here is a lose 50 by 50 update... I have lost a total of 8.2 lbs.  It's been a little over a month and I had hoped to average about 10 lbs. a month, but I'm not complaining!  It's been difficult.  Mainly because.....

Is it's so wrong that I like food?   I love cooking, baking, creating and eating.  I love going out to eat and trying new things and new places.  Why do these loves have to reflect on my waistline?  Why can't I be one of those people who can have whatever they want and never gain an ounce?  Eh, I'm not so instead I have to shhh.... diet

Honestly though, it hasn't been too bad.  I kind of get lost sometimes for lunch.  I mean really, how many salads can you eat?  I like salad and all, I just get bored with them after while.  

The truth is, I'm excited about this diet.  I feel good about it.  I don't feel like I'm putting too much pressure on myself.  But I did make one very drastic error that took the wind out of my sails for several days.  I was staying at my brother's for a few days while he and my sis in law were out of town, taking care of the dogs and the house.  The diet was just fine.  But without thinking I stepped on the scale in their bathroom.  I fell into an immediate funk because their scale was about 3 lbs heavier than mine, so it showed me at a rather substantial gain while I've been killing myself to eat healthy.  I just wanted to cry.  

It took several people talking me off the ledge and my own eventual realization that everyone has their own way of cheating, er, dieting.  And just because their scale read a certain way didn't make it so.  But when I came home I was too afraid to get on the scale so I waited a few days.  By then I was down and felt much better about it.   Lesson learned.  My scale, and my scale only!

I've been a little bad this weekend, it being a holiday weekend and all with cook outs and people visiting and all that stuff.  But hey, you have to cheat once in awhile.  I firmly believe that if you deprive yourself too much, you will only crave those things more and then you're in real trouble.   So I refuse to beat myself up over a little blip.  As Scarlett so famously said, "after all, tomorrow is another day!"

I leave today with the biggest words of wisdom I have ever read...