Is it wasted time? Did I waste my time being your friend, calling you, talking to you, listening to you and letting you listen to me? Was it a big mistake confiding my innermost secrets with you? Is there something somewhere that you will hold over my head somewhere down the road? Something I said that can be used against me? Granted I don't have a lot of secrets and at this point, I'm not sure what you know and what you don't know. But I felt so close to you that I may have said something, sometime that I shouldn't have. Eh, I can't worry about it. I will just have to assume that since you decided I suck, that you will disregard everything I ever said.
Was it a waste of time? There is a saying that people come into our lives at certain times to fulfill a certain purpose. I'd like to believe that but I'm having a hard time figuring out what the purpose is in these cases. Cases, plural. It's happened to me more than once. Which of course, makes me think it's me. I'm doing something to drive people away. I curse too much. I talk about sex too much. Are those actual reasons to dump a friend? Seems petty. But I know I have never intentionally maliciously hurt someone. Not to my knowledge anyway. If I had, I would definitely hope that the person wronged would say something so that I could right that wrong. Since they haven't, I again go back to assuming I just suck. Suck as a human being. Suck as a friend. Suck to the highest heights of suckage.
I don't want to think of you as a waste of time but I'm grasping at straws for the lesson in the friendship. Maybe I learned more about myself. Yes that's probably true. That right there makes the relationship not a waste of time.
You know what former friend? I'm starting to wonder why I miss you. YOU dumped me. YOU didn't tell me why. YOU took away your friendship and threw away mine. And you know what, I don't suck as a friend or a human being. It just so happens that I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I say fuck and cunt when I feel like it. I like talking about sex, reading about sex and engaging in sex. I love my tattoos. I love dying my hair weird ass colors. I'm 48 years old and I can do whatever the fuck I want and I should never ever be made to feel less than because of someone else. I fucking rock! I'm a great friend and would always be there for my friends no matter what. I'm not afraid to express my opinion, even if it differs from yours. A true friend respects that and doesn't stop being your friend because of it.
I guess this wasn't much of an ode to you former friend. Sorry about that. Well no, I'm not. This is my exorcism. To once and for all remove you from my thoughts, remove you from my life the way you removed me from yours. Sorry you're going to miss out on all the fun, humor, and friendship I still have left to give.
Great piece of exorcism! I think it is nobody's fault that friendships drift apart. We are lucky when we have friendships that last a lifetime, maybe somebody you met in the sand box or in grade 1 and ever since you have been friends. I am not amongst the happy few.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe you met in high school, I had a best friend in high school and at that time we thought we'd be friends for life. No way. And like you I cannot tell you why we grew apart.
Probably it is the growing apart thing, we constantly change, our circumstances change, all of a sudden we do not share the same interests. But we find new friends with whom we share all the fun, humour and friendship.
O..M...G. For a moment I thought this was a piece I wrote and never sent to 'former friend'. I can surely empathize. A very very good friend of mine (or so I thought) just suddenly...disappeared. Well, I know he's alive but we haven't communicated in a long time and things just suddenly changed. A few wks ago he just left a msg saying 'yeah i'm ok..I'll explain later'. Later....What is later? It's been weeks and still nothing. Like you, I know that what sucks is the absence of explanation; that it all still does not fully make sense. It's sad isn't it? But really we can't blame ourselves for it. Sometimes we're just asshole magnets. Have you seen that FB quote going around. It's perfect!---"Just chuck it in the fuck it bucket".....*sigh*
ReplyDeleteOh, Jesus ... this is EXACTLY what happened with a friend I've known since middle school. I was even the best man at his wedding. Then one day, I stop getting invitations to his kids parties. Then no more holidays. No explanations other than, "We're just so busy." Now? Not a goddamn word. Sad, really. It's hard to say goodbye when there's no chance for closure. I guess I just had to create my own so I could move on.
ReplyDeleteFriendships come and go. Maybe that's just the way it is, right? I have tried to reconnect with old friends, only to be told that they were 'too busy' or something like this. It hurts but hey, time to make new friends!
ReplyDeleteWe've all been there, and I agree with Muriel, time to make new friends!
ReplyDeleteGreat piece - I am going through something similar and it's hard because you can't really understand where all the angst is coming from and why, suddenly, you're on the outs. Thanks for sharing ;)
ReplyDeleteI think that's the hardest part Amanda, the not knowing. But it is what it is. I'm doing my best to move on from it. Hope you can in your situation too!
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