Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Resentment

Resentment.  That's the word that continues to dominate my thoughts.  And I try, I try so hard not to feel it, think it, live it.  But it gets harder and harder not to.  Because it's there.  It's always there.  I can't ignore it anymore.

I'm trying to establish a life for myself.  I keep trying and I keep failing.  Part of it is my own fault for being unable to secure a job after 11 years out of the workplace.  I waited too long.  I have no one to blame for that but me.  I tell myself that it will happen, that I need to be patient.  Not only with finding a job but with my heart's desire too.  And then it feels like it will never happen.  Circumstances get in my way constantly.

Just today I was taking a shower and a very strong desire to run away from home overtook me.  And I actually started to contemplate it.  To plan for it.  I started to tie up a few loose ends so that I can go, just go and not have them hanging over my head... an oil change, a haircut, a candy order that I needed to fill.  Get them done and then go... go somewhere, anywhere but here.  It'll hurt him, the man, but thinking of that stopping me adds to the resentment.  Do I always have to do what is best for everyone else, but me?   When do I take care of me?  What do I do for myself that gives me joy or happiness?  The answer to that is that I occasionally get a new tattoo.  That brings me joy, happiness and it's all for me.  Other than that, my existence seems to be to fulfill other people's needs.  And that leads to more resentment.

So I dreamed of getting away, running away.  Not forever, but long enough to clear my head and decide what I really want and where I want to be.  Enough time to stop feeling so much resentment towards so many.

The man... always trying not to harm him, not hurt or upset him.  So much like my mother in that regard it pisses me off.  Repeating history all the while telling her to stop doing that but not listening to my own words.  Existing to make his dinner because I feel like I have no other purpose.

My mother... whenever I make plans, plans of any kind whether they be to go away for a weekend or spend a day to myself either job hunting, writing, reading or just taking care of me, she needs something and I go.   And I resent it.  I resent that there are so many things she can't seem to do for herself.  I resent that I am the only one she can call who will always go and help.  I resent that I have little to no help when it comes to her or my father.

My father... probably the neediest of a all.  He is not well and continues to go downhill.  He refuses to do anything for himself.  Just flat out refuses.  He no longer wants to walk (he has a prosthetic leg and can walk with the aid of a walker) so insists on using the wheelchair.  But he also refuses to push himself once he's in it.  He wants whoever is there to push him while he sits back and does nothing.  This week he was admitted to the hospital, again, for congestive heart failure.  This has been going on since before Thanksgiving, but he never would say what was bothering him.  He had a stomach ache, that's all he would say.  He'd been to the doctor a few times, and that was all he would tell them too so they prescribe antacids and things like that.  No one caught that he had a ton of water sitting in his lungs for months.   Yesterday the doctor took a needle and drained his lung of a liter and a half of liquid.  And today they sent him home.  He's not well.  He's unable to walk and he seems kind of spacey.  Maybe he's had another stroke, I don't know.  But my 4 ft 11 mother cannot take care of a 6 ft 2 father who cannot walk or do anything for himself anymore.

My siblings... I can hear in my siblings voices that I should go there and stay with them to help out, even though they don't come out and say it.  Because if they do, they will be on the business end of a big fat "fuck you, you do it!"  One lives in FL, one lives in AL and one lives here.  I resent that two moved a way and the third is planning his move with his family within two years, which will leave me here holding the bag completely with our parents.  Not that I get much help from him now, but I get some and some is better than none.

I resent that everyone can live their lives but me.  I resent myself for feeling this way.  I resent myself for seemingly doing the right things for everyone but myself.  I resent myself for feeling selfish because of these feelings.   I resent myself for letting my life take a back seat to everyone and watching life pass me by.  I resent that there is no end in sight to any of this.

11 comments:

  1. You're raw and feel this way for a reason. Don't resent that. Instead, take time for you, even if it's something that seems frivolous. You can't control the uncontrollable in life like your parents health. So instead work on the things you can. Set small goals like learning a new skill. And work on attaining it one step at a time. I know that sounds trite and your troubles so daunting, it will take time, but you can be happy again!

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    1. Thanks Marie. I decided to go on a little trip, by myself and visit some friends in different parts of New England. I leave soon!

      Already on the learning a new skill thing and start my classes this week :)

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  2. I'm at a loss for words, but have to say that I feel like giving you a hug right now. I can really feel your pain but sadly can't do anything 'real' to help. Perhaps I can only share these words with you. I heard them from Iyanla Vanzant and it's been on a post-it in front of me for months now. "You don't get a vote in how other people choose to live their lives." So true isn't it? It's kind of frustrating to a certain extent but also liberating because on the other side of that, we know that we do have control only over ourselves, our choices and actions. When you are ready, movement will happen. I believe in that. I wish you all the blessings I can give. *HUGS*

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    1. Thanks Joy. Very interesting quote and so very true.
      Hugs back! xo

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  3. My heart bleeds for you. It's because you have a conscious and a soul and that you aren't able to do anything for yourself that you feel this way. People constantly ask, demand, question, and leave it in your 'capable' hands but no one is looking after you - well, that's what it seems. I wish I was in the same country so I could just give you a big hug and give you a few hours off. Are there such a thing as carers in the US - people who come and step in for a few hours whilst the full-time carer can have a few hours off? Probably costs money huh?

    Have you tried looking into things such as a virtual assistant. A VA who can work from home - just needs a computer, internet connection, ability to type and format stuff...you should look into it. No?

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    1. Thanks Janine. I'm doing what I can to take care of me... it's difficult sometimes. I actually contemplated running away from home and leaving everything and everyone behind. But that's not truly me. I can't turn my back on my life and my responsibilities. But I have to tell you, it felt good to contemplate it.

      Hugs xo I will look into it :)

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  4. I too feel very badly for you. I also take care of my mom at my brother's house several days a week, and I really fight hard against any negative emotion. But the struggle will always be there. I really empathize with you and I send you so much love and hope that you will be able to deal with your tremendously difficult decision. And I hope your dad's health stabilizes. I send you blessings and love.

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  5. Having to take care of others (husband, parents, children) is, unfortunately, a huge part of women's life. And it is draining. Have you noticed: somehow it is, most of the time, women who end up caring for family members? It never stops.
    Unfortunately, I don't have a solution for you. I can only tell you what worked for me: I moved out of France. I am only a short flight away (90 mins) from my parents/grandparents. This means that I can keep a safe distance between them and me. I am with them when they really need me and I will of course help with organising their care. But I try to have my own life. And I don't feel guilty about it.
    Maybe you could try to find what works for you and, step by step, implement it. I wish you the best of luck.

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    1. thanks Muriel... I don't have the answers, but I do know that I won't let February become another January. January sucked, but Feb is already looking up :)
      xo

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  6. Well G, I read this in January and couldn't think of a comment that wouldn't sound trite. I still can't, so I will tell you this. I felt a lot of resentment as SW's parents got older and sicker, years apart of course, but they relied on him, and because I was the wife, me for many years. It worked against us that we lived right next door. When his mother developed Alzheimer's and was with us day and night without respite, and he wouldn't mention to his sisters that he needed help and a break, I finally had enough. That, along with some other factors, contributed to me returning to travel nursing. It forced him to get the help from his sisters he needed, and they all worked well together I must say. And I got the experience of a lifetime. It was my first time in my life that I lived on my own, completely. And I feel like it might have saved our marriage.

    So I can't give you advice, because I DID run away, in effect. But it was the right choice for me. I wish you luck with whatever choice you make G.xo

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