Suddenly

Suddenly this morning as I was in the shower this old song popped into my mind and I started singing it.  Then it dawned on me, this is my life.

I Could Be Happy

by 

Altered Images

I would like to climb high in a tree
I could be happy, i could be happy
Or go to Skye on my holiday
I could be happy, i could be happy
Maybe swim a mile down the Nile
I could be happy, i could be happy
All of these things i do
All of these things i do
To get away from you
Get away, run away, far away, how do i?
Get away, run away, far away, how do i
Escape from you?

I Have a Life

I've had to go through this my whole adult life.  The idea by others that I don't have a life because either I'm not married, or I don't have kids, or I don't have a job.   Well here's a newsflash, I have a fucking life!!!  I have a pretty full life in fact.  I'm so tired of that mentality I could just scream.  I guess because right now, this minute, it is happening again.

I don't get a say in what time holidays are celebrated because before I was married, I was single and had no life.  Now it's because I don't have kids and have no life.  My plans, my life, they are never considered when family plans are made.  And now it's because I don't have a job.

If you're a regular reader to this blog, you probably know that my father is ill.  He is not going to get better but he could make things easier on himself if he actually did the things the doctors suggested.  He doesn't. When people ask me if he's given up, I tend to say yes.  He has a very poor quality of life which consists of sleeping, eating occasionally, sitting in chair and watching Bonanza reruns or sports, and going to doctors.

Most of his care falls on my mother, and then me.  My mother needs someone to help her get him to appointments.  He is a lot to deal with and she is 82 years old.  He has lost one leg, wears a prosthetic and uses a walker or wheelchair.  He is now facing losing part of his good leg, so there are a lot of doctors and tests and appointments.  It's endless, tiring, stressful.

Herein lies the issue.  Because I don't have a job, it is automatically assumed that I am available to go to these appointments with my mother.  I have 3 siblings, but 2 of them live out of state.  So ideally and logically, these appointments should be split between my brother and I.  I am even willing to take on more because I don't work.  But my brother seems to think that I should do everything.  And when I ask him to do something, he has 100 excuses why he can't.  In fact, he does nothing in regards to helping out with my father.  Nothing.  Last year my mom asked me to take her to Chicago for her aunt's 90th birthday party.  Bro never even offered to come check on OUR father.  And when asked, it was the same thing occurred, more excuses.  Mom had to hire people to come in and check on him, make him meals, etc.

Yesterday was the first of what is going to be many appointments trying to safe dad's leg.  This appointment was 6 hours long.  About 4 hours longer than I had anticipated.  Anything I had planned for that day was void.  When we were leaving that appointment we were told that he will need another next week, and basically to plan on a long visit then too.  Yesterday's appointment was extremely emotionally taxing.  I'm glad I can be there to support them, but I shouldn't have to do everything all the time.  When I got home yesterday I was spent.  Physically drained, emotionally overwrought and truly not in the best of moods.  So I poured myself a glass of wine and went to go relax.  I promptly missed the coaster and the wine went flying.  poured on me, all over the rug, and the glass shattered on the coffee table.  And it was red.  It's at this point that I sat there in a puddle of wine and cried and cried.  It was all too much.

I am not an only child.  I have a life.   I am trying to find a job.  I do job searches every single day.  I apply for jobs almost every day.  I am having trouble with my marriage.  It's all so emotionally draining and I need for someone (ahem.... my brother), to take some of the burden off me.  And he won't.   He just won't.  And it's not fair.  Yesterday I told him he needs to go to some of these appointments and that I can't do it all the time.  His reply was, "you can do it easier than I can!"  So there it is.  I don't have a job, therefore I have no life and this is what... my obligation?

What happens when I finally do get a job?  True I've been looking for a year and half.  But eventually I do expect to get a job.  Then what?   My mom acts the martyr.  While she does understand that we need my brother to step up, if I ever say I can't do it, she will either cancel the appointment he needs or she will say something absurd like they'll just take a cab to the appointment.  But its not just about driving.  It's about going into the exam room with them and listening, taking notes, asking questions.  My mom does none of that.  She is of a generation that blindly accepts whatever the doctors say.  You cannot be that way in this day and age.  I have told her endlessly that she needs to be an advocate but you cannot teach an old dog new tricks.  And here's the clincher... bro's wife is a nurse.  If they went to some of these appointments with them, they would know much better what questions to ask.  As it is, when I do go to appointments, he asks me a million questions and did I ask this, did I ask that.  It's all so fucking annoying and stressful.

How do you get through to people who don't want to listen, don't to step up and do what they should, and then act like it is someone elses (i.e., mine) obligation?

It is to Laugh...

Someone recently insinuated to me that I'm selfish.  In fact the words used were, "it's all about you."  And when it was said I laughed.   Then I thought about it.  Then I was filled with self doubt for a little while.  Then I questioned everything.  And then, then... I sat back and laughed uproariously until there were tears streaming down my face.

Selfish.  I may be be a lot of things, but selfish isn't one of them.  Although it is true that I am actually trying to think more about myself, what I want and how to get it.  Is that selfish?   I guess it could be looked at that way although the comment wasn't prompted by these things.  At any rate, I did laugh it off and I will continue to laugh it off.  Because it's not true.  And the person who said it can go fuck himself.

Over the past couple of years, I've realized that I have put myself and what I want on the back burner in order to do whatever needs to be done for other people.  Whether it be the man, the parents, or friends.  I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing but when you lose yourself in the process it does become a problem.  And now that my eyes are open to it, I want to change it.  And by changing it, I have ended up alienating some people.  Why?  Because they want to continue to have the Lalia they know, the one that will accommodate them and their needs and not the Lalia who realized she's a badass chick who needs to embrace the badass and enjoy her freakin life!  I haven't enjoyed my life for so many years.  Which is not to say I haven't have times of enjoyment, I have.  But have I truly enjoyed my life?  No.  And I'm not getting any younger so if not now, when?  So if you don't like it, fuck you.  Be as supportive as I've been of you or get the fuck out of my life.

It frustrates me that I cannot find a job.  I try not to think about it in terms of... "if I get a job, everything will be better."  I don't know that to be true but I do know that getting a job will give me a better feeling of independence and self sufficience.  And at this point, that is something I desperately need.  I hate that I can't make things happen faster.  I've been looking for a job for over a year.  I know this isn't unusual these days and people who have worked steadily have trouble finding work.   I haven't been in the work force for about 12 years so that makes it even more difficult.  But I will find a job.  It's just moving too damn slow and patience is not a quality I possess.

All I can do is continue to try.  Send out resumes, make contacts, and enjoy life being a badass.  And that's what I intend to do!

Just cuz....

An Epiphany of Sorts

I'm always surprised when I see how fast time has gone by and how long it has been since I have written.  I feel like I just wrote the previous blog a few weeks ago and it's actually been months.  The fact is, things in my life kind of suck right now.  Eh, not even kind of.  They do suck.  Really really badly and I don't want to turn this blog into a big bitch fest or whine fest or woe is me fest so I just don't write at all.  Maybe that should change now that I've had a sort of epiphany I'll tell you about in a bit.

My dad is still sick and struggling.  I'm struggling with my future and where it will lead.  I still haven't found a job.  I've been randomly breaking out in hives from all the stress.  And on top of all that, I've been sick as a dog this week myself.... bad bad sore throat.  Seriously the most painful sore throat I've ever had.  I'll never forget when I was 14 years old, I had to have my tonsils out.  The big selling point that doctors and parents used to get their kids more at ease with having this surgery was that you will never have another sore throat again.

Biggest lie ever.  Granted, I have a lot less of them since I had the surgery but I do still get them.  And this pain took me to see my doctor yesterday.  She jabbed that swab on a stick down my already aching throat to give me a strep test.   I don't know how you react when someone jabs a stick down your throat but I almost hit her!   I felt so bad.  It really was an instinct/reflex.   And after all that it turns out I don't even have strep.  In fact, before she jabbed me she was looking in my throat and said she didn't think it was strep because it seemed the infection was further down my throat.  And then she looked in again and said, "hmm your uvula is kind of swollen."

My uvula!?  In case you don't know, the uvula is that little thing hanging in the back of your throat despite the fact that it sounds like a part of the female anatomy.  But I was thinking something else and I kept my cool until I got my prescription for antibiotics and left the office.  As I was walking to my car I started to giggle.  And by the time I got the car I was laughing my ass off and my uvula was not liking it!  I couldn't help it.  How do you hear the word uvula and not think....

The whole way home I was muttering to myself, "I don't know Babs" and giggling to myself.  And it is here where I had my sort of epiphany.  There are things in my life right now that truly and strongly suck.  But through it all I am always able to find some humor in the situation I'm in and I can still laugh through the pain both physical and emotional.  That's pretty cool.

So while I drink yet another cup of hot tea and honey and moan about my aching uvula, I'm going to laugh!

Resentment

Resentment.  That's the word that continues to dominate my thoughts.  And I try, I try so hard not to feel it, think it, live it.  But it gets harder and harder not to.  Because it's there.  It's always there.  I can't ignore it anymore.

I'm trying to establish a life for myself.  I keep trying and I keep failing.  Part of it is my own fault for being unable to secure a job after 11 years out of the workplace.  I waited too long.  I have no one to blame for that but me.  I tell myself that it will happen, that I need to be patient.  Not only with finding a job but with my heart's desire too.  And then it feels like it will never happen.  Circumstances get in my way constantly.

Just today I was taking a shower and a very strong desire to run away from home overtook me.  And I actually started to contemplate it.  To plan for it.  I started to tie up a few loose ends so that I can go, just go and not have them hanging over my head... an oil change, a haircut, a candy order that I needed to fill.  Get them done and then go... go somewhere, anywhere but here.  It'll hurt him, the man, but thinking of that stopping me adds to the resentment.  Do I always have to do what is best for everyone else, but me?   When do I take care of me?  What do I do for myself that gives me joy or happiness?  The answer to that is that I occasionally get a new tattoo.  That brings me joy, happiness and it's all for me.  Other than that, my existence seems to be to fulfill other people's needs.  And that leads to more resentment.

So I dreamed of getting away, running away.  Not forever, but long enough to clear my head and decide what I really want and where I want to be.  Enough time to stop feeling so much resentment towards so many.

The man... always trying not to harm him, not hurt or upset him.  So much like my mother in that regard it pisses me off.  Repeating history all the while telling her to stop doing that but not listening to my own words.  Existing to make his dinner because I feel like I have no other purpose.

My mother... whenever I make plans, plans of any kind whether they be to go away for a weekend or spend a day to myself either job hunting, writing, reading or just taking care of me, she needs something and I go.   And I resent it.  I resent that there are so many things she can't seem to do for herself.  I resent that I am the only one she can call who will always go and help.  I resent that I have little to no help when it comes to her or my father.

My father... probably the neediest of a all.  He is not well and continues to go downhill.  He refuses to do anything for himself.  Just flat out refuses.  He no longer wants to walk (he has a prosthetic leg and can walk with the aid of a walker) so insists on using the wheelchair.  But he also refuses to push himself once he's in it.  He wants whoever is there to push him while he sits back and does nothing.  This week he was admitted to the hospital, again, for congestive heart failure.  This has been going on since before Thanksgiving, but he never would say what was bothering him.  He had a stomach ache, that's all he would say.  He'd been to the doctor a few times, and that was all he would tell them too so they prescribe antacids and things like that.  No one caught that he had a ton of water sitting in his lungs for months.   Yesterday the doctor took a needle and drained his lung of a liter and a half of liquid.  And today they sent him home.  He's not well.  He's unable to walk and he seems kind of spacey.  Maybe he's had another stroke, I don't know.  But my 4 ft 11 mother cannot take care of a 6 ft 2 father who cannot walk or do anything for himself anymore.

My siblings... I can hear in my siblings voices that I should go there and stay with them to help out, even though they don't come out and say it.  Because if they do, they will be on the business end of a big fat "fuck you, you do it!"  One lives in FL, one lives in AL and one lives here.  I resent that two moved a way and the third is planning his move with his family within two years, which will leave me here holding the bag completely with our parents.  Not that I get much help from him now, but I get some and some is better than none.

I resent that everyone can live their lives but me.  I resent myself for feeling this way.  I resent myself for seemingly doing the right things for everyone but myself.  I resent myself for feeling selfish because of these feelings.   I resent myself for letting my life take a back seat to everyone and watching life pass me by.  I resent that there is no end in sight to any of this.