Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Times Are A-Changin

Is it a midlife crisis when you reach a certain age and discover you want something completely different out of life than what you already have?  I guess some people would call it that but I don't think it is.  I think it's self discovery.  Over the past year and a half to five years, so much about my life has changed and it continues to change.  It's scary and exciting all at the same time.

Things started to move in a different direction when my dad got sick.  I dedicated a year of my life to his care.  Maybe that doesn't seem like a lot, maybe it does.  To me it does.  Because I continue to be the go to gal for my parents.  They have come to depend on me a bit more than I care to admit.  And I struggle with it.  I struggle with my own feelings of wishing they were more independent.  They can be, they chose not to be.  And I try so hard to force the issue.  But you cannot teach old dogs new tricks.  They are dependent.  And it will only get worse.  To some degree I allow it I suppose, because they will not do things for themselves.  They just refuse.  So my feelings are, on the one hand, resentful.  Resentful that I don't have the help with them I need or the the time to pursue my own dreams because they take up a lot of my time.  On the other hand, I am thankful that I am able to do things for them that they need.  I hear myself thinking, "when they are gone you'll be so happy you were able to be there for them."  That's true, I will be.  But at what cost to my own personal well being?

Through these years since dad's illness, I felt in the back of my mind that life was passing me by.  That I had nothing for myself.  That I needed something for me.  I had my websites, and they kept me busy.  And then, all that changed.  It was time to move on from the main website, the one I have had since 1998.  And on January 20, I did.  And when I actually did it, I felt a weight lift from somewhere deep inside.  Don't get me wrong, the site was very good to me.  I met some wonderful people and had some once in a lifetime experiences.  But it weighed me down.  It blinded me to how empty I was feeling.  It masked how I was feeling inside.  And now that it's gone, I feel ready to pursue new challenges.  I want to do more, see more, experience more.  In my own mind it seems so strange.  How could ending a website bring all these feelings out of me, especially since it was something I loved?  I don't claim to understand it.  I know that since ending it I have wanted so much more from my own life that I didn't know I wanted before.

Changes are coming.  I'm actively pursuing work.  I love my little business but it's not enough for me anymore.  The work is sporadic and not fulfilling.  On the one hand change is terrifying.  Who would hire me after being out of the work force for over 10 years?  I don't want to change who I am, I want to change what I'm doing.  Is my purple hair going to be a problem?  Probably, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.  And what if I fail?  What if things don't turn out how I think they will.  But the thing is, I can what if myself to death.  There will always be a scary "what if" lurking somewhere.  I have a pretty amazing support system and I'm really excited about the future.  There is something to be said about breaking out of your comfort zone.

9 comments:

  1. So excited for you!! And if purple hair is a problem, then don't take the job or change ANYTHING aboout yourself!

    Jenni

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  2. Lalia, I can completely relate to this: taking care of your parents is an energy drain, it's this push-pull thingie with being both a daughter and surrogate mother cum nurse at the same time. I am surrounded with old age, my mother and my dog, and it wears me down as (if) everything revolves around them. Is this my life?

    Time to move on but in which direction? At what costs? Do you think this would have been a perfect job if they refuse you on grounds of your hair colour?

    Here's to an exciting future with lots of colours!

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  3. It can get a little tiring. I stay with my parents; they both are severely diabetic but we all make a happy family. It gets tiring sometimes but then they give me my free space and I am so grateful for that!

    Hang on...and here's hoping that the future brings in much more happiness!

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  4. I've said it before (I think) and I'll say it once more. I really do admire you for your courage. It's not that you are fearless, but that despite your anxieties, you choose to push through and see where life takes you. Now that's wisdom! I wish you all the best!

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  5. Yes, change is scary, and it also looks like you have a lot on your plate. I wish you all the best, and I also hope that you will manage to fond some time for yourself, despite caring for your parents.

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  6. Good luck. Change means evolving!

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  8. Wishing you nothing but the best of luck, Lalia, and letting you know I completely understand how you feel about your folks. I have been taking care of my mom for over a year now and it can be very draining. Sometimes you have to just go out there and do something for you... And if going out into the workforce or otherwise changing your life is that something, then that is what you must do. I really hope things go well for you, you have been through so much lately that you deserve something good! Love to my lovely purple-haired friend!

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  9. Go out there and DO what you DO. Your are truly a beautiful human being. I love your blog!<3

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