As some of you may (or may not know), every Wednesday I go to my parents house and take my mom out to do her weekly shopping and whatever else needs to be done. A few weeks ago she wanted to return a top she bought at Macy's because she didn't try it on first and it didn't fit. So we did that and then headed over to the shoe department. Alas, like most woman, my mom and I are shoe fanatics and Macy's had some shoes on a 75% off clearance rack. Mom found a pair she liked and so did I. She headed up to the counter to pay and I said, "did you try them on?" She said no. So I became the mom and said, "try them on because if I come over next week and you say you need to return your shoes because they don't fit, I'm going to be really pissed!" So like the dutiful faux daughter she is, she tried them on. And she bought them.
Sure enough, when I got there this week she says, very sheepishly I might add, "I have to take the shoes back to Macy's." I'm perplexed, she tried them on. I saw her do it. But they don't fit. They fit when she tried them on sitting down, but she didn't walk around and her toe was right at the tip and thus, too small. Oy. And then she tosses in, "by the way, the new Clinique gift is in at Dillard's so I want to get that too." Terrific. Now I'm not just going to Macy's, I'm going to the mall, something I hate to do.
The shoe return goes by easily and uneventfully. Then we head to the other side of the mall to Dillard's. The Clinique counter is jumpin! Jumpin with a bunch of old ladies just like my mom who are chomping at the bit to get their free gift. The free gift that, by the way, my mom complained about on the way there. "blah blah blah, it's always a make up bag! Why can't they give us something other than a make up bag??" To which I say, "um mom, they sell make up." Anyway, the line is comprised of a bunch of old bitties who want their freebie. So we wait. And I take a spritz of Happy (which I love), and wait. And wait. While we wait, mom decides to get out her Dillard's card so she's prepared. What's this? She can't find it. In her large menagerie of credit cards, of which she has a separate wallet for, she cannot find Dillard's. She's got everything else under the sun, but Dillard's isn't there. It's not really any big deal, they can look it up, but it's the principle of the thing. She used the card to buy something online several weeks ago and the card is most likely sitting on her desk by the computer. She decides she'll just use her Visa. OK. Whatever.
Finally it's our turn and mom hands the salesgirl the bottle of the make up she wants. Because you do realize of course that you have to spend $25 to get the free gift (worth about $10 no matter how much they seem to want you to think it's worth). She gets mom her make up and now the fun starts to happen. I swipe mom's Visa for her, because mom quite often refuses to put on her glasses and therefore cannot see well enough to work the little machine where you swipe your credit cards. All the while I'm playing mom and she's playing daughter as I bitch at her for not putting on her glasses and say, "just give it me!" and I do it myself. The salesgirl is amused by the scene in front of her. The Visa doesn't go through. Why? Because it's expired. So then we tell the salesgirl that she does not have her Dillard's card with her. Not a problem, she tells us. She can just look it up and tells mom that there will be a series of questions on the little screen on the credit card machine. Oy. She still didn't put on her glasses. So she struggles to see the questions until, of course, I get annoyed enough to say, "just let me do it!" Of course I realize this is her ploy all along. I just keep falling for it! And salesgirl continues to chuckle.
Something is still amiss. The machine keeps asking the same questions over and over, going back to the beginning. Salesgirl doesn't know what is happening so she decides to call direct. Luckily we were last in line so we aren't holding anyone up because this is taking awhile. Salesgirl gets an automated call and tries to input the information mom has given her. But it is doing the same thing as the machine was, and going back to the beginning instead of giving her the card number. What the fuck is going on? No one knows.
Salesgirl comes up with a new idea. She will go about the process of opening a new account for my mom and when the system realizes she already has one, it will give them the account number. OK, have at it. So as mom is giving salesgirl more information, another one pulls me aside and says, "Some dude (actually she knew his name, I don't remember it because I don't know jackshit about the Browns) from the Cleveland Browns was in this week and he bought $4,000 worth of merchandise and his transaction didn't take this long!" We laughed, although I think I cried a little on the inside.
They are finally done and viola! A new account is opened in my mom's name. This is not what the salesgirl told us would happen. At this point though, it doesn't matter. I want to get the hell out of there, mom wants her fucking free stuff and the salespeople probably hate our guts. The transaction is mercifully over and we leave. As we are walking, and mind you, we aren't even out of the Clinique area yet, mom turns to me and says, "Oh... the Dillard's card is in your father's name."
Deep breath. I swear I cannot make this shit up!