Thursday, July 7, 2011

Screw Guilt

I was driving along today and thinking about guilt, when all of a sudden I saw a bumper sticker that said, "Screw Guilt."  At first I kind of laughed.  But as I saw it again and again, at each stop light it started to empower me. "Yeah!  Screw guilt!!" I thought.  I'm not going to question why I saw it, I'm just going to accept the fact that it was there to punch me in the gut and snap me the fuck out of it.

Over the past week or so I've felt guilty.  Guilty because I want to do something for myself. It's not the best time, granted.  The man has been out of work for four months now and things are a bit rough.  We've had to make a lot of changes.  But we've also held on to some of our more important vices (cable, cell phone, internet).  He still goes to the gym, I still go to my weekly meeting.  But going out is a thing of the past.  No dinners out unless we have a gift card or something like a Groupon.  No movies.. ha!  We never went anyway.   We've had to file for mortgage assistance and he is currently on unemployment.  My business is not picking up so that hasn't helped.  Things are just not great, but yes, they could be worse.

In the midst of all this, it's time to take my winning trip.  I get free round trip airfare and 2 nights accommodations in Los Angeles.  My plan all along was to stay longer.  To spend a week visiting with different friends and possibly going to some All My Children events which were being held several days after I arrive.  It would be my last chance to do that with AMC canceled (or not, who the hell knows what's going on with that now!) and it would be like closing that chapter of my life.  It feels so meant to be. I win the trip, the show is canceled.  I've had my AMC website for 13 years.  I make peace with that part of my life ending and going to LA feels like the closure I need.  My soap friends even chipped in so I wouldn't have to worry about money on the trip.  It all seems so perfect.  So meant to be.

I received word when the trip would be and was told that if I couldn't make it, I could opt out for a $500 buy out. Now what do I do!?  Clearly we need the money.  But so many people have already generously donated to my good time.  Of course I'd give it all back, but do I want to?  Is $500 really going to make a big difference in our lives?  Will the trip make a big difference in my life?  I'm confused and troubled by it all.

I think about how much I have given of myself, especially to my parents, over that last four years.  I would do it all over again, but that doesn't mean it's easy.  I think about how hard it's been just getting by the last four months.  I think about how I won another contest this year and gave that prize up for the greater good.  I think about all of these things and then the guilt creeps in when I start think, "when is it my turn?"  When do I get to do something for myself?  When can I stop worrying about everyone else and just unwind, let loose, have fun?  Do I not deserve a little something just for me?  Does everything I do have to be to benefit someone or something else?  When the fuck is it my turn!

All these thoughts were going through my mind this morning when I saw that bumper sticker.  "Screw Guilt." Good advice.  Screw the guilt!  I'm allowed to do something for me.  I'm allowed to do it without being made (made by me, because I take things too fucking seriously) to feel like shit about it.  I don't need to be tied up in knots every time I make a decision that maybe someone else wouldn't make.  When I got my last tattoo, I was so nervous about my mom seeing it that I planned on hiding it.  Until I snapped out of that stupidity and said to myself, "I'm 45 fucking years old, and if I want a foot tall Bela Lugosi on my leg then I can fucking have it!"  It is my life after all.  And it's the only one I have.   So come July 22, I'll be on that plane to Los Angeles.  No regrets. No guilt.

12 comments:

  1. Good for you! Sometimes you have to be your own friend first! Enjoy and don't feel any guilt.
    Josie x

    ReplyDelete
  2. You go girl. You should never feel guilty about things (Unless you are guilty if you know what I mean!) as guilt leads to regrets...and you should never regret the thiings you do, just the things you don't do.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good on you...that message was so meant for you. You deserve it, every single bit of it. Go and enjoy and reap the rewards of what it has to offer you. It is a fantastic opportunity - go go go with a clear conscious. Dont even want to hear the g word again!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am convinced that this message was meant for you. We need to grab every bit of happiness we can anyway! Enjoy your trip.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is a great message. I've been feeling so guilty about spending long days at work and not spending enough time with my man, family, friends and dog. I say 'screw guilt' BUT I still would prefer to rectify the situation and restore some well-needed balance in my life. The promotion I just accepted will either help or have the opposite effect.

    ReplyDelete
  6. We used to talk about grabbing the brass ring as the carousel comes around. So ... grab it!

    ReplyDelete
  7. to be blunt, it's about fucking time you snapped out of it! :D you go girl! xo
    ~cath
    @jonesbabie on Twitter

    ReplyDelete
  8. Good for you! Three things...I think the Universe has been urging you to give yourself a break with all those prizes and contests won; I don't believe in coincidences and your seeing that 'Screw Guilt' bumper sticker had a purpose for you; Experts say that experiences are better than plain material things or gifts...ergo, going on that trip will GIVE you more than just the $500. Remember Lalia, there's nothing to give if your tank is empty. The oxygen mask needs to go on you first before you can help out. Have a fun trip! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Well, the universe is speaking to you in wonderous ways! Sometimes, just feeling guilty can make us do things that might be able to rectify our feelings in ways we didn't expect them to! So, there you go! The universe is telling you to go on that trip leaving all your worries behind! Do it!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Good for you Lalia. Sometimes things are meant to be,this bumper sticker was your nudge. We all need a break. It makes us stronger and allows us to come back fighting. Life is too short for procrastinating and regrets, who knows what tomorrow will bring. It has taken me 53 years to realise that now and then for everyone's greater good we are allowed to think only of ourselves.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi Lalia -

    Everything happens for a reason; good and bad. There is a reason the bumpers sticker enveloped your eyes and mind. You know the answer deep inside your heart. Listen and act. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Lalia,
    Bravo for you for deciding to go. It might help short-term money-wise to forego it, but long-term, it won't make any difference. Why guilt yourself out of this trip, especially at this time when you need a morale booster and people are supportive? Glad you saw that bumper sticker.

    ReplyDelete