Sunday, June 12, 2011

You Are Beautiful

Last week was my niece J's graduation from 8th grade.  If you didn't go to Catholic school you probably didn't have one of these.  It's all pretty goofy and pointless but it makes the kids feel important as they are about to head to high school.  Over the past few months, J and I have grown a lot closer since she chose me to be her Confirmation sponsor.  She is so much like me, in both good and bad ways, it's kind of freakish.  She looks exactly how I looked at 14 years old.  She's sensitive and has anxiety like I do.  She's smart and she likes to write.  She digs vampires.  She loves animals and has a huge heart.   Where we differ is how athletic she is.  She plays soccer, basketball, softball.  I never did any of those things.

She's a great kid, all around.  But for some reason, she never, in 9 years at that school (she also went to kindergarten there) made a friend.  She's a bit shy but for some reason the kids at her school never accepted her and with only about 11 girls in her whole class, once friendships were established that was that.  Those friendships were established in kindergarten.  She has, at times, eaten lunch in the office because she has no one to sit with.  When she does venture the cafeteria, she is ignored.  She was never included in any way.  The stupid ass school did nothing about this disgusting treatment.  Of course what you expect from a Catholic school.  They sweep everything under the rug. 

A few weeks ago it was her birthday.  And at her school, on a students birthday the kids decorate the birthday kids locker and desk.   J went to school that morning and was greeted with nothing.  No decorations anywhere.  The only kid in her class who did not receive this special treatment for her birthday.  And she was devastated.  Being a 14 year old girl already sucks, but being one with such friend problems is even worse.  I didn't have this kind of problem when I was in school.  It did take me awhile to find my way, be who I was and not worry about what anyone else thought, but I got there around the age J is now.  I think she may have gotten there too.

She's come to the end of her time at that school and cannot wait to get out.  A new school, potential new friends, and some of the bitches are going to a different school.  A new beginning for her.  The school had the graduation ceremony and a reception following.  She didn't want to go, she owed these kids nothing.  But her mom and dad didn't want her to miss out on it so she was made to go.  With only 23 students graduating, the parents were to bring their child up to the church altar to be presented as a graduate.  One parent could speak and then the graduate got to speak.   I watched as one by one, the girls that turned this beautiful girl into a sad and lonely child went up to the altar and said similar things, "My time at this school has strengthened my relationship with God and has made me the person I am today."  Sitting there in the back of the church with my dad, which is another tale for another day, my mind wandered ... "made you the person you are today?  And what would that be?  A mean spirited little bitch?"  I had brief glimmers of feeling bad for thinking that way while in church, but my love for J is more powerful than thinking a curse word in church.

And then it was time for J to go up.  My brother and sister in law went up to the altar with her and presented her.  And then J took the mic.  What came out of her was stunning and beautiful and in essence a big fat fuck you to every one of those girls.  She started out with one of my all time favorite quotes by Dr. Seuss, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”  From there she went on to say how her time at that school has taught her what a true friend is, and a true friend is not someone who cares how you look or what you wear, but is someone you can tell all you secrets to and they will never judge you.  With tears rolling down my face, it was all I could do to restrain myself from jumping up and down and screaming from the back of the church, "you tell them J!!!"  


I made sure to tell her how proud I was of her.   How much I loved what she said and how no matter what, her auntie will always be there for her.  She's beautiful, inside and out.  And while I'm not a fan of this particular singer, I leave you with this song today because it conveys the emotions I feel and my love for J.



22 comments:

  1. Brava to J -- what a lovely soul she has!

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  2. What a lovely story and kind of a sad one this is. May J find what she so richly deserves in her new school and she is blessed to have you in her life.

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  3. What amazing words from a young girl! I hope she becomes a woman that makes these others hang their heads in shame! May she find new avenues and opportunities as she enters high school! Good for J!

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  4. Well, it looks that your niece has a strong personality on top of everything else. Way to go! That said, the school sucks. Time to move on for your niece!

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  5. Good for her! That is pretty mature for a 14year old to say, to be, to go through. You and her parents ought to be proud of J! Congratulations!!

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  6. Your niece sounds really cool, it's her classmates's lose they didn't get to know her. Her strength, along with all her other qualities, will take her far in life!

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  7. Jean sorry I can't call you Sweepy today!! J sounds like she has it all figured out, she has made it through the hell that can be adolescence and come out smiling. Not without scars but she made it. She "gets" it and I am guessing a certain Aunt might have had something to do with it.
    J, Many kids have gone through similar childhoods, some better and some worse, some made it, some didn't. You seemed to have made it. With your parents and Your Aunt Jean to help give you, advise, you and give you guidance or just a shoulder when you need it I have a feeling your going to be Okay.. I don't mean just okay..I mean OKAY!!!!
    Good Luck have a wonderful life you deserve it.

    http://jpweddingphotograpy.blogspot.com/2011/06/from-revere-beach-to-florida-keys.html

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  8. It's not sad - just temporarily painful. Some part of J has always been far beyond her peers, while another part longs to be a part of something, and to be accepted. With any luck, that will come in college. (With a LOT of luck, in high school, but I don't hold out high hopes there.) Tell her to hang in there - they'll figure out, sooner or later, what she's known all along. Maybe they even listened to her today. But I'm guessing that in 8th grade, most are still too self-absorbed to know she was talking about them, and their parents probably assumed she was - but that it was a compliment to their little darlings.

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  9. Good for her, but going forward, do all that can be done to make sure 9th grade doesn't pick up where 8th left off. Those same jerks will be there and are likely to want to perpetuate the status quo -maybe even courage it.

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  10. Oh my god, this was SUCH a beautiful read. I have a 11 year old sister and sometimes when she calls and says someone has hurt her feelings, I just want to lock her away and never let people near her, never hurt her again. But I know she will learn to let this wash over, and unfortunately in life there are nasty, mean spirited people. Your niece sounds not only gorgeous, but so strong and so wise. Well done to her. And let her know, it's the positive and kind people that go far in life.

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  11. This was such a lovely read.But kind of painful too. We all had our own troubles at school and that has for many, shaped the way in which they view the world and move on with their life. But kudos to the strength and courage that your niece reflected....words can't bring her down!

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  12. Gosh, that is so bad. I hope your niece finds a much happier place than her last school. Have to say that not all Catholic schools are like that- I work at one, despite not being religious- and something that like is never ever ignored. In fact, the House Leaders are worth their weight in gold for the work they do to try to counteract everything.
    Fabulous that she's figured out what matters even though it's cost her. have you encouraged her to blog yet?! I'm sure it's just that particular school and her next one will have her finding her feet, and hopefully being loved and adored by her peers! Fingers crossed!
    Josie xx

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  13. Go the 'underdog'. Sad but also beautiful story. She is going to be a strong force to be reckoned with as she grows up.

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  14. What a wonderful young woman your niece is. It is outrageous to believe that any school, any denomination would allow this to continue. Unfortunately girls can be little b****** Your niece is the kind of daughter anyone would love to have. She has the courage and strength to march to her own drummer.

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  15. I've always felt that there are two kinds of kids in middle school: those that are miserable and those that make them that way. Having said that, perhaps there's a third: those that grow, perhaps beyond their age, through the experience and emerge strong and beautiful. Thanks, J (and Lalia) for helping me see that.

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  16. Thanks everyone. =)
    I know not all Catholic schools would be this way. My own 12 years was pretty much fine (although you might be surprised to know, if you've read my Embracing the Third D series that I was mercilessly picked on school for being "flat" I got the last laugh on that one! LOL). I do know of other area schools that have bullying mentor programs in place. I think all schools, of every kind, should have that. It's painful to see and watch what J has had to endure. And no one should have to endure it.

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  17. This is a flip side story. So powerful. Good share. I don't know if it is a Catholic school problem. It's everywhere. It really lands on parenting. Kids learn from role models. As a public school teacher, I saw it start with the parents long before the kids demonstrated it. Sad. We talk about it in our family to be loving and accepting. That is my mission with flip side stories. www.facebook.com/flipsidestories
    I will share on www.facebook.com/flipsidestories

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  18. I agree with what Amber said. Where were the parents when their children were developing these prejudices? That kind of thing begins with the parents. We shape our children. And how do I know this? Because I raised three children in a fairly racist part of the country who believe we are ALL equal. And where did I learn that? At home, from my parents. For shame to the parents who raised these small minded brats.
    xo to J... The best is yet to come honey.

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  19. WOW! What's really impressive is that she had the confidence to express that in front of everyone and that she came out of the entire experience a stronger woman! High school weren't my favorite years of my life, but as Holly says, they were only "temporarily painful." Life moved on and increasingly amazing things happened. That's what I imagine for J! =) Thanks for sharing this empowering story, Lalia! =)

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  20. Hello Lalia -

    You know, kids can be so dang cruel and unfortunately some adults I see these days are not much nicer. It amazes me that your young niece lasted all 9-years in that school under those conditions. She's a stronger young lady than those cruel girls any day. Hopefully a bigger and brighter horizon awaits her in high school. I enjoy your post very much. Thank you. :)

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  21. As you and I discussed earlier today, this behavior, sadly, doesn't always end in childhood. Some adults hold the "mean girl" behavior close with them through the rest of their lives. I hate that your niece had the experience she did, but from an adult perspective we all know that it truly DID make her a strong, wise and beautiful young woman. Her experiences will, someday, give her the tools to help some other young person who is going through something similar. Of this, I have no doubt.

    Namaste',

    Dawn

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