My Brain Hurts

When things happen in this country that I have trouble understanding, I do my best to view it from all angles.  It's the way I live my life.  Nothing is ever simple.  Nothing is ever cut and dry so you have to be able to look at things through another lens.  If you don't, then you're part of the problem.

The latest mass shooting in Charleston once again brings up all the same issues.... Black vs. white.  Liberal vs. Conservative.  Gun Control vs. No gun control.  Media vs. Reader.  Religion vs. Atheism.  Politician vs. Citizen.  And that's the thing in this country, it seems you have to have an enemy.

If you're not Religious then you're wrong and you're a heathen and you're going to hell.  Or if you're not an Atheist then you believe in fairy tales and you're brainwashed.  If you think either of those ways, you're part of the problem.

There is a ton of crime in this country.  Tons.  And there are no racial boundaries to it.  There's black on black, white on white, black on white, white on black.  And that doesn't even scratch the surface or crime that centers around race.  There's crime that has nothing to do with race.  People are just hateful and evil and not necessarily any kind of racist.  No discrimination, they just hate everyone.  But there is no denying that there is a race problem in this country.  And if you don't understand that, then you're part of the problem.

You may not experience it, you may not see it.  That doesn't mean racism doesn't exist.  I am one of the people who doesn't see racism in my life.  I'm lucky.  I live in a predominantly black neighborhood.  We are the only white family on our block.  Not once in 14 years have I had any kind of problem with race.  I've never felt threatened or afraid.  I have had the best neighbors I've had of anywhere I've lived.  I feel completely at ease and feel like no around me cares that I'm white.   And yes, I do feel lucky to be in this environment because growing up was not like that.  I lived in a neighborhood where white flight took hold of everyone on our street.

And now, because of Charleston and some whackadoodle with a gun, all the same dialog starts all over again.  So here is what I believe....

1. If you use terms like Wingnut or Libtard, you're part of the problem.
2. If you think all Conservatives think one way and all Liberals think one way, you're part of the problem.
3. If you believe everything Rush Limbaugh or Bill O'Reilly or Bill Maher or Jon Stewart says, you're part of the problem.
4. If you think racism will go away if we ignore it, you're part of the problem.
5. If you think racism doesn't exist, you're part of the problem.
6. If you think having a Republican in office will change everything, you're part of the problem.
7. If you think having a Democrat in office will change everything, you're part of the problem.

I'm tired of all the bullshit.  It's no secret that my leanings are Liberal, but I look at the big picture.
Yes I believe in gay rights, I believe in equal rights for all actually.  And I believe racism exists.  I do not follow a religion anymore but I am not an atheist.  I think sensitivity has gotten way out of hand and find it absurd how easily people are offended by the stupidest things.  I have said for many many years, I do not offend very easily.... unless you abuse someone (child, adult, elderly) or an animal. That offends me greatly.   I believe in a woman's right to chose.  

I'm really truly exhaustedly tired by the us against them mentality in this country.  It doesn't matter anymore who holds the office of President because what has to happen no matter who it is, is that we have to work together.  Democrat/Republican, white/black, Religious/Atheist.  There is no one way. We have to come together as a unified people and work to make this country greater than ever. Working against the leaders is counter productive.  And if you don't get that, then you're part of the problem.

And just so you know, I don't think I'm above it all.  I'm pretty sure I'm part of the problem, somewhere/somehow.

Missing You

I miss you.  I want to text you so bad.  I want to talk to you.  I can't tell you again how much you mean to me.  You know.  I guess that's why you pushed me way so stupidly and so brutally.  You have to know that I get it, that you did what you did because for some reason you felt you had to.   I just wish you had gone the honest route instead of the cowardly one.  I hope it didn't feel good to hurt me so badly.  If it did, don't ever tell me so because that takes it to a whole new level of pain.

People in the know are glad, glad you have taken yourself out of my life.  But I never listened to anyone before and I'm not going to start now and I'm not glad.  I don't feel relieved.  I don't feel a weight lifted because you're gone.  I just feel sad, and empty and that something is missing.  You.  You're missing.  And I hate it.

How could you turn your back on me so easily?   Friends since 1987.  That is a long time.  Was it easy?  In retrospect if all feels so forced, planned.  That night, you were looking for anything to fight about.  What you settled on and what ultimately ended our friendship and whatever else we had is not something that would end a 27 year friendship.  And when I think about it, sometimes I'm crushed, other times I'm just angry.  So so angry that you turned your back on me.

It's been a month.  It's taken me this long to put these feelings on paper.  It's taken me this long trying to make sense of a senseless situation to realize there never will be any sense to it.  It took me 2 minutes after our fight to realize it was purposeful.  At the time, I was so shocked and going on instinct to fight you back, to try and hurt you back.  And I hate that I stooped to that level.  I hate that I said some of the things I said.  I was so upset, so crushed.  So decimated by you, again.  I console myself with that old saying.... you always hurt the ones you love.

No matter how many times I tell myself that I'm better off, my heart won't listen.  My heart wants you in my life.  My heart wants your friendship back.  You weren't always a good friend but at times you were the best friend.   At times you would say something to me that was so insightful, so right into my soul, that I thought there could be no one on this earth who knows me the way you do.  How you did that always blew my mind.  And no matter how many times you told me you're a dick, I didn't fully believe it until that night.  It was like an image you tried to keep going, but it never fooled me.  I saw that side of you that you don't show too many people.  And I still believe that, but I also will know that despite that other side, you're truly a dick too.  And that's ok.  A lot of times I feel like a total asshole.  But you saw the other side.  

You brought things out of me that I didn't know were there.  You were encouraging and supportive of me when I needed it most.  You made me love you again, not that I ever stopped.  And then you tore it away, again.  I didn't think I could ever live through the pain of losing you a second time.  But I guess I have.  But it's a pain that lingers.

Life is short.... I hope it doesn't take too long for you to find your way back, again.

Ask Me If I Care

More and more I find myself thinking, "ask me if I care" about any and everything.   I suppose that's a byproduct of the unhappiness I find myself unable to break out of.  At the same time it's troubling, yet liberating.  Troubling because it makes me think I've become cold and unfeeling.  Liberating because the reality is that I have stopped giving a shit about the people who don't give a shit about me.

Example, I saw today on Facebook that the man's niece got engaged.  Ask me if I care.  I don't.  Over the years it has become more and more clear to me that these two girls (the nieces) don't give a shit about me at all.  I have been in their lives since they were 5 and 6 years old.  I gave them gifts for every birthday and Christmas for all of those years until a few years ago when they started having kids and instead bought for the kids.  I have always been kind to them.  Have always treated them well.  But over the past few years I have backed away from them (and most of the man's family) because I never felt the same kind of care/respect in return.  For my 40th birthday the two nieces and their boyfriends gave me a single $2 instant lottery ticket.  I'm not saying they should shower me with gifts.  It's an example of the lack of interest/care that I feel from the man's family.   And when my dad passed away this past January, I heard nothing from them.   Oh I take that back, one of them posted on my Facebook.  The other did not, nor did she call me, nor did she send me a card, nor did she even acknowledge the fact that I lost my dad when I saw her two weeks later.  So excuse me if I'm not jumping up and down with glee over your engagement.

 

But it's more than just that, it's a lot of things.  I just can't muster caring about much of anything.  How is that liberating?  Well, I wasted a lot of time, a lot of heartache, a lot of energy on caring about things that in the big scheme ended up not mattering at all.  Friends who turned out not to be.  Situations that I should have avoided.  Family members who are assholes.  So to get to a point where I can say, "ask me if I care"?  Yeah, it feels liberating in a way.

Don't get me wrong, I still care about the people in my life that I know care about me.  I still love.  I still will do anything for the people who matter most.  Maybe when things change, when I finally get my life moving in the direction I want it moving in I will care again.  And hopefully I've learned enough lessons to spot those insincere phony people without investing too much of my precious time and the enormous amounts of love and friendship I have to give.

Or maybe it's my hormones.

Jobless Revisited

Having just received my gazillionth rejection from a job I applied for, I'm feeling like a big fucking loser.  I hate feeling that way.  I hate a "woe is me" attitude.  I hate feeling sorry for myself.  But it's so hard not to when I've been looking for 2 years.  Two years, no job, over 20 years of experience.   What is the problem?  Why will no one hire me?  What is it about my resume or me in general, that is off putting?  I don't know.  I had my resume analyzed and got a pretty good affective rating.  So what's going on?  The economy is supposedly improving.

I feel like I am very professional on the phone and in interviews, when I have them.  Am I too old at 48 to be hired?   Do I have too much experience, therefore leading prospective employers to assume I will want too much money?  Or am I totally fooling myself into believing that I have marketable skills at all?  I really don't have the answers.

This most recent rejection really hurt.  I applied to it and two days later received an email with a test in it.  There was an editing test (it was a few paragraphs describing the business that needed grammar, spelling, punctuation etc. corrections) and a composition test (a lot of information in no format and asked to compose a business letter out of it).  I received this test early in the afternoon on the Friday before Memorial Day and asked to return the test completed within 24 hours.   Quite frankly I thought this bullshit mainly because I really doubt anyone would be looking at it before Tuesday of the next week.  But I did it.  I sat down and very carefully completed the tasks they asked of me and sent it back before end of business on that same day.

Not only did I not get the job, I never even got a call for an interview.  Nothing.  I completed their stupid convoluted task and they didn't even bring me in for an interview.  I didn't send it in blind either.  I had the man look over everything I did before sending it.  I received zero feedback on what they thought of the way I completed these tasks.  I received nothing at all but a brief note that said the company hired someone this past Friday and thanks for your interest.

When things like this happen, this is how I feel...

I try very hard to get to the "everything happens for a reason" place.  To that "when one door closes, another opens" place.  To remember that I'm smart, skilled and that any prospective employer should be thrilled to have me in their employ.  But sometimes, even if it's for a few hours or a few minutes, I just have to wallow in the idea that I may never work again and that is unacceptable.  I have a very strong desire to change several aspects of my life and I cannot do that without a job.  So as much as I'd like to, at this moment, give up and come to terms with joblessness forevermore, I won't.  I can't.  The rest of my life is waiting.

Ode to the Former Friend

Sometimes I really miss you.  I want you to know that.  I do.  And sometimes I wonder why we are former friends and not friends.  Were the issues really that severe that you had to cut yourself off from me?  And while we're at it, what were those issues?  With some former friends, I don't have a clue why things fell apart.  When I think about that I can't help but think how stupid it all is.  How does someone who you know cares about you, who you had no argument with, who you shared so much with, suddenly become persona non grata?  And how do you not even give them the courtesy of telling them why?  That pretty much tells me the friendship didn't mean much to you at all.  That's kind of sad.  I'm not talking about a natural transition, a drifting apart.  I'm talking a sudden abrupt change with no explanation.

Is it wasted time?  Did I waste my time being your friend, calling you, talking to you, listening to you and letting you listen to me?  Was it a big mistake confiding my innermost secrets with you?  Is there something somewhere that you will hold over my head somewhere down the road?  Something I said that can be used against me?  Granted I don't have a lot of secrets and at this point, I'm not sure what you know and what you don't know.  But I felt so close to you that I may have said something, sometime that I shouldn't have.  Eh, I can't worry about it.  I will just have to assume that since you decided I suck, that you will disregard everything I ever said.

Was it a waste of time?  There is a saying that people come into our lives at certain times to fulfill a certain purpose.  I'd like to believe that but I'm having a hard time figuring out what the purpose is in these cases.  Cases, plural.  It's happened to me more than once.  Which of course, makes me think it's me.  I'm doing something to drive people away.  I curse too much.  I talk about sex too much.  Are those actual reasons to dump a friend?  Seems petty.  But I know I have never intentionally maliciously hurt someone.  Not to my knowledge anyway.  If I had, I would definitely hope that the person wronged would say something so that I could right that wrong.  Since they haven't, I again go back to assuming I just suck.  Suck as a human being.  Suck as a friend.  Suck to the highest heights of suckage.

I don't want to think of you as a waste of time but I'm grasping at straws for the lesson in the friendship.  Maybe I learned more about myself.  Yes that's probably true.  That right there makes the relationship not a waste of time.

You know what former friend?   I'm starting to wonder why I miss you.  YOU dumped me.  YOU didn't tell me why.   YOU took away your friendship and threw away mine.  And you know what, I don't suck as a friend or a human being.  It just so happens that I'm not perfect.  I make mistakes.  I say fuck and cunt when I feel like it.  I like talking about sex, reading about sex and engaging in sex. I love my tattoos.  I love dying my hair weird ass colors.  I'm 48 years old and I can do whatever the fuck I want and I should never ever be made to feel less than because of someone else.  I fucking rock!  I'm a great friend and would always be there for my friends no matter what.  I'm not afraid to express my opinion, even if it differs from yours.  A true friend respects that and doesn't stop being your friend because of it.

I guess this wasn't much of an ode to you former friend.  Sorry about that.  Well no, I'm not.  This is my exorcism.  To once and for all remove you from my thoughts, remove you from my life the way you removed me from yours.  Sorry you're going to miss out on all the fun, humor, and friendship I still have left to give.

Continuing to Comtemplate

There were so many things that were said the night I met my friend R for drinks.  And so many things I keep thinking about.  So many questions that he asked me that I am now asking myself.  He knows of my unhappiness and my desire to change my life.  But knowing that leads to more questions.   Questions like, are you prepared to be alone for the rest of your life?  And I wonder, am I?  Because that's a possibility I have to face.

On a daily basis I feel bad for feeling how I do.  For wanting this big change knowing it's going to hurt someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt.  That nagging guilt for wanting more punishes me.  I wonder if I can ever truly move on when I feel this way.  Questions lead to more questions and none of them have answers.  Will I punish myself forever for being dissatisfied?  Is it better to live a life you are unhappy in than to hurt someone else?  Do I need to sacrifice forever for the happiness of someone else?   Is it selfish that I want to make myself happy?

A strange thing happened this weekend.  We were at our accountants office to hand in our tax information.  As we talked to him about what's been happening in our lives this past year I started to feel incredibly trapped.  We were talking about my job search and how I've been unable to find a job for so long.  He was encouraging and sweet, as he always is.   And the more he talked the more trapped I started to feel until I really thought I was just going to burst into tears right in his office.   I felt it coming on.  My eyes started to water.  I felt my face flush.  I kept taking deep breaths to keep the tears at bay.  It was really difficult.  I kept wiping my eyes over and over and over.   I don't know if anyone else in the room saw that this was happening, but bursting into tears in my accountants office is not something I wanted to happen.

Trapped.  It's how I felt in that moment and it's how I've felt for far too many years now.  Trapped is not a good feeling.  Nowhere to go.  Nowhere to turn.  No help to be had.  No means to make my life better.  Trapped sucks.  Trapped hurts.

But don't get me wrong, this isn't constant.  I still experience good things.  I still have wonderful friends who are there for me in the best ways they can be.  I still have family who are as supportive as anyone can hope for.  I still have fun and I still laugh.  And the one I don't want to hurt loves me with all his heart and would do anything for me.  But wait, there is it is again… the guilt.  Because he would do anything for me and it's not enough.  That guilt.  That self doubt.  Those moments when I hate myself for feeling how I feel.  They creep back in.

I hate that I have no answers.  I hate that years go by without answers.  And I have to keep asking myself, is being content and complacent the best I can hope for and should I just suck it up and make the best of it?

Contemplative

Last week I went out for drinks with an old friend.  More and more I realize that old friends are the best friends.  Which is not to say newer friends suck, they don't!   But old friends, there is something special about them.  They know you better than anyone else and they love you and have loved you for so long that it's probably never going to change.  There's comfort in that.  If you get into an argument it's so much easier to get past it because you know how much you love that person and how the argument is inconsequential to the big scheme of things.  What I mean is, an old friend isn't going to read this blog and say, I don't know, decide they can no longer be my friend because I write something risqué or I write something they don't agree with.  They will tell me they don't agree with it and we'll discuss the whys and the hows over a cocktail or a whatever.  But in the end the friend will realize that I'm still the person they have always known and it doesn't matter if I write about sex or sadness, or love, or hate or whatever I write about.  Like I said, there's comfort in that.

That's a bit of a digress from where I was going with this entry, but hey don't hate me because I digress! lol   As I was saying, I was out for drinks with an old friend and there was a lot of discussion about what I want in life.  And I didn't have a solid answer.  Maybe because I'm at a standstill.  I can't go up, I can't go down.  I have nowhere to go at the moment.  I have no job and that limits any kind of plan I can ever make for a future.  But since that day, I have been thinking about that question over and over and over. "What is it that you want?"  

This is what I've come up with. I want joy.  I want a life lived.  I want more than getting by week after week and doing the same things.  I want to be happy.  I want good sex.   I want to create great dishes and eat fine food.  I want to laugh and laugh and then laugh some more.  I want to listen to great music.  I want to take pride in what I'm doing for a living and not just exist in a job.  I want to travel and see things I've never seen.  I want more great tattoos.  I want to give love and get love in return.  

Maybe thats a big order to fill, but I don't think it's impossible.  Time probably isn't on my side unfortunately.  I am 48 years old.  Is it too late to live the life I want and think I deserve?  Is it too late to start living for me and not everyone else?