Continuing to Comtemplate

There were so many things that were said the night I met my friend R for drinks.  And so many things I keep thinking about.  So many questions that he asked me that I am now asking myself.  He knows of my unhappiness and my desire to change my life.  But knowing that leads to more questions.   Questions like, are you prepared to be alone for the rest of your life?  And I wonder, am I?  Because that's a possibility I have to face.

On a daily basis I feel bad for feeling how I do.  For wanting this big change knowing it's going to hurt someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt.  That nagging guilt for wanting more punishes me.  I wonder if I can ever truly move on when I feel this way.  Questions lead to more questions and none of them have answers.  Will I punish myself forever for being dissatisfied?  Is it better to live a life you are unhappy in than to hurt someone else?  Do I need to sacrifice forever for the happiness of someone else?   Is it selfish that I want to make myself happy?

A strange thing happened this weekend.  We were at our accountants office to hand in our tax information.  As we talked to him about what's been happening in our lives this past year I started to feel incredibly trapped.  We were talking about my job search and how I've been unable to find a job for so long.  He was encouraging and sweet, as he always is.   And the more he talked the more trapped I started to feel until I really thought I was just going to burst into tears right in his office.   I felt it coming on.  My eyes started to water.  I felt my face flush.  I kept taking deep breaths to keep the tears at bay.  It was really difficult.  I kept wiping my eyes over and over and over.   I don't know if anyone else in the room saw that this was happening, but bursting into tears in my accountants office is not something I wanted to happen.

Trapped.  It's how I felt in that moment and it's how I've felt for far too many years now.  Trapped is not a good feeling.  Nowhere to go.  Nowhere to turn.  No help to be had.  No means to make my life better.  Trapped sucks.  Trapped hurts.

But don't get me wrong, this isn't constant.  I still experience good things.  I still have wonderful friends who are there for me in the best ways they can be.  I still have family who are as supportive as anyone can hope for.  I still have fun and I still laugh.  And the one I don't want to hurt loves me with all his heart and would do anything for me.  But wait, there is it is again… the guilt.  Because he would do anything for me and it's not enough.  That guilt.  That self doubt.  Those moments when I hate myself for feeling how I feel.  They creep back in.

I hate that I have no answers.  I hate that years go by without answers.  And I have to keep asking myself, is being content and complacent the best I can hope for and should I just suck it up and make the best of it?

Contemplative

Last week I went out for drinks with an old friend.  More and more I realize that old friends are the best friends.  Which is not to say newer friends suck, they don't!   But old friends, there is something special about them.  They know you better than anyone else and they love you and have loved you for so long that it's probably never going to change.  There's comfort in that.  If you get into an argument it's so much easier to get past it because you know how much you love that person and how the argument is inconsequential to the big scheme of things.  What I mean is, an old friend isn't going to read this blog and say, I don't know, decide they can no longer be my friend because I write something risqué or I write something they don't agree with.  They will tell me they don't agree with it and we'll discuss the whys and the hows over a cocktail or a whatever.  But in the end the friend will realize that I'm still the person they have always known and it doesn't matter if I write about sex or sadness, or love, or hate or whatever I write about.  Like I said, there's comfort in that.

That's a bit of a digress from where I was going with this entry, but hey don't hate me because I digress! lol   As I was saying, I was out for drinks with an old friend and there was a lot of discussion about what I want in life.  And I didn't have a solid answer.  Maybe because I'm at a standstill.  I can't go up, I can't go down.  I have nowhere to go at the moment.  I have no job and that limits any kind of plan I can ever make for a future.  But since that day, I have been thinking about that question over and over and over. "What is it that you want?"  

This is what I've come up with. I want joy.  I want a life lived.  I want more than getting by week after week and doing the same things.  I want to be happy.  I want good sex.   I want to create great dishes and eat fine food.  I want to laugh and laugh and then laugh some more.  I want to listen to great music.  I want to take pride in what I'm doing for a living and not just exist in a job.  I want to travel and see things I've never seen.  I want more great tattoos.  I want to give love and get love in return.  

Maybe thats a big order to fill, but I don't think it's impossible.  Time probably isn't on my side unfortunately.  I am 48 years old.  Is it too late to live the life I want and think I deserve?  Is it too late to start living for me and not everyone else?