Jobless Revisited

Having just received my gazillionth rejection from a job I applied for, I'm feeling like a big fucking loser.  I hate feeling that way.  I hate a "woe is me" attitude.  I hate feeling sorry for myself.  But it's so hard not to when I've been looking for 2 years.  Two years, no job, over 20 years of experience.   What is the problem?  Why will no one hire me?  What is it about my resume or me in general, that is off putting?  I don't know.  I had my resume analyzed and got a pretty good affective rating.  So what's going on?  The economy is supposedly improving.

I feel like I am very professional on the phone and in interviews, when I have them.  Am I too old at 48 to be hired?   Do I have too much experience, therefore leading prospective employers to assume I will want too much money?  Or am I totally fooling myself into believing that I have marketable skills at all?  I really don't have the answers.

This most recent rejection really hurt.  I applied to it and two days later received an email with a test in it.  There was an editing test (it was a few paragraphs describing the business that needed grammar, spelling, punctuation etc. corrections) and a composition test (a lot of information in no format and asked to compose a business letter out of it).  I received this test early in the afternoon on the Friday before Memorial Day and asked to return the test completed within 24 hours.   Quite frankly I thought this bullshit mainly because I really doubt anyone would be looking at it before Tuesday of the next week.  But I did it.  I sat down and very carefully completed the tasks they asked of me and sent it back before end of business on that same day.

Not only did I not get the job, I never even got a call for an interview.  Nothing.  I completed their stupid convoluted task and they didn't even bring me in for an interview.  I didn't send it in blind either.  I had the man look over everything I did before sending it.  I received zero feedback on what they thought of the way I completed these tasks.  I received nothing at all but a brief note that said the company hired someone this past Friday and thanks for your interest.

When things like this happen, this is how I feel...

I try very hard to get to the "everything happens for a reason" place.  To that "when one door closes, another opens" place.  To remember that I'm smart, skilled and that any prospective employer should be thrilled to have me in their employ.  But sometimes, even if it's for a few hours or a few minutes, I just have to wallow in the idea that I may never work again and that is unacceptable.  I have a very strong desire to change several aspects of my life and I cannot do that without a job.  So as much as I'd like to, at this moment, give up and come to terms with joblessness forevermore, I won't.  I can't.  The rest of my life is waiting.

It is to Laugh...

Someone recently insinuated to me that I'm selfish.  In fact the words used were, "it's all about you."  And when it was said I laughed.   Then I thought about it.  Then I was filled with self doubt for a little while.  Then I questioned everything.  And then, then... I sat back and laughed uproariously until there were tears streaming down my face.

Selfish.  I may be be a lot of things, but selfish isn't one of them.  Although it is true that I am actually trying to think more about myself, what I want and how to get it.  Is that selfish?   I guess it could be looked at that way although the comment wasn't prompted by these things.  At any rate, I did laugh it off and I will continue to laugh it off.  Because it's not true.  And the person who said it can go fuck himself.

Over the past couple of years, I've realized that I have put myself and what I want on the back burner in order to do whatever needs to be done for other people.  Whether it be the man, the parents, or friends.  I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing but when you lose yourself in the process it does become a problem.  And now that my eyes are open to it, I want to change it.  And by changing it, I have ended up alienating some people.  Why?  Because they want to continue to have the Lalia they know, the one that will accommodate them and their needs and not the Lalia who realized she's a badass chick who needs to embrace the badass and enjoy her freakin life!  I haven't enjoyed my life for so many years.  Which is not to say I haven't have times of enjoyment, I have.  But have I truly enjoyed my life?  No.  And I'm not getting any younger so if not now, when?  So if you don't like it, fuck you.  Be as supportive as I've been of you or get the fuck out of my life.

It frustrates me that I cannot find a job.  I try not to think about it in terms of... "if I get a job, everything will be better."  I don't know that to be true but I do know that getting a job will give me a better feeling of independence and self sufficience.  And at this point, that is something I desperately need.  I hate that I can't make things happen faster.  I've been looking for a job for over a year.  I know this isn't unusual these days and people who have worked steadily have trouble finding work.   I haven't been in the work force for about 12 years so that makes it even more difficult.  But I will find a job.  It's just moving too damn slow and patience is not a quality I possess.

All I can do is continue to try.  Send out resumes, make contacts, and enjoy life being a badass.  And that's what I intend to do!

Jobless

Several weeks ago I wrote about my first job interview in 11 years.  Against all odds I landed that interview and against even more odds, it went amazingly well.  Seriously well.  In fact it went so well I thought I was a shoe in.  I tried not to think that, but I felt it.

I was pretty terrified.  I guess in the big scheme I don't know why I'm filled with such terror.  Really, what's the worst that can happen?  They don't hire me.  Anyway, the very first thing he said to me was, "I don't like to conduct traditional interviews, I'd rather just talk."  BIG PHEW!   I can talk to anyone.  This was going to be a breeze.  And it was.  We hit it off so easily and talked about everything from what the company does, and what they expect of the person they hire to what I've been doing for the past 11 years and my work experience previous to that.  We talked about how we both have iPads and talked about some of our fave apps.  And as we were winding down the interview and he was giving me the particulars of when they want someone in place, he said to me, "let me get you all the new hire paperwork."  Holy shit!  Now do you see why I thought I was a shoo in?   I know I've been out of the job game for awhile but is that the norm?  When I got home and opened the packet it consisted of company policies, a form to fill out if I want direct deposit, insurance applications.  All the things you need when you are hired at a new company.  

After that interview I felt amazing!   Confident and calm.  Happy and feeling like yes, everything was falling into place.  It was amazing.  It's very true that when you are feeling that good about yourself, people notice and look at you differently.  I know this because right afterward I was pumping gas and must have been smiling or something because the guy who was pumping gas into his motorcycle at the pump across from me was staring.  Then he gave me the up and down look and, I shit you not, I got one of these...

And I'm all...

I had several days of being on cloud nine.  So confident and at the same time shocked that it was happening.  It was really happening.  I made a plan, followed through and it was all happening according to that plan.  

And now it's a little over a month later and nothing.  No job.  I did all the right things.  I wrote a thank you note after the interview and mailed it, with a stamp and everything.  I emailed a few weeks later to make sure they knew I was still interested and when I still didn't get a call, a week or so later I called to find out if the position had been filled.  At that time I was told it hadn't, that I was still in the running and that a decision would be made within a week and I would hear back either way.  That was two weeks ago.  I haven't heard back either way.  I suppose we could argue that since I haven't heard anything either way that they delayed the hiring again or haven't made a decision.  But the confidence I was feeling has plummeted and I now believe that I have not gotten this job.  And the unfortunate thing is that I have no other interviews lined up.  I never stopped sending out resumes, but I have nothing on the horizon.  And that sucks.  Patience is definitely not my best thing.  In fact it's one of my worst things.  I want what I want and I want it now.  I hate waiting.  I hate that I have to count on other people to help me make things happen.  Can't we just get on with it!