Jobless

Several weeks ago I wrote about my first job interview in 11 years.  Against all odds I landed that interview and against even more odds, it went amazingly well.  Seriously well.  In fact it went so well I thought I was a shoe in.  I tried not to think that, but I felt it.

I was pretty terrified.  I guess in the big scheme I don't know why I'm filled with such terror.  Really, what's the worst that can happen?  They don't hire me.  Anyway, the very first thing he said to me was, "I don't like to conduct traditional interviews, I'd rather just talk."  BIG PHEW!   I can talk to anyone.  This was going to be a breeze.  And it was.  We hit it off so easily and talked about everything from what the company does, and what they expect of the person they hire to what I've been doing for the past 11 years and my work experience previous to that.  We talked about how we both have iPads and talked about some of our fave apps.  And as we were winding down the interview and he was giving me the particulars of when they want someone in place, he said to me, "let me get you all the new hire paperwork."  Holy shit!  Now do you see why I thought I was a shoo in?   I know I've been out of the job game for awhile but is that the norm?  When I got home and opened the packet it consisted of company policies, a form to fill out if I want direct deposit, insurance applications.  All the things you need when you are hired at a new company.  

After that interview I felt amazing!   Confident and calm.  Happy and feeling like yes, everything was falling into place.  It was amazing.  It's very true that when you are feeling that good about yourself, people notice and look at you differently.  I know this because right afterward I was pumping gas and must have been smiling or something because the guy who was pumping gas into his motorcycle at the pump across from me was staring.  Then he gave me the up and down look and, I shit you not, I got one of these...

And I'm all...

I had several days of being on cloud nine.  So confident and at the same time shocked that it was happening.  It was really happening.  I made a plan, followed through and it was all happening according to that plan.  

And now it's a little over a month later and nothing.  No job.  I did all the right things.  I wrote a thank you note after the interview and mailed it, with a stamp and everything.  I emailed a few weeks later to make sure they knew I was still interested and when I still didn't get a call, a week or so later I called to find out if the position had been filled.  At that time I was told it hadn't, that I was still in the running and that a decision would be made within a week and I would hear back either way.  That was two weeks ago.  I haven't heard back either way.  I suppose we could argue that since I haven't heard anything either way that they delayed the hiring again or haven't made a decision.  But the confidence I was feeling has plummeted and I now believe that I have not gotten this job.  And the unfortunate thing is that I have no other interviews lined up.  I never stopped sending out resumes, but I have nothing on the horizon.  And that sucks.  Patience is definitely not my best thing.  In fact it's one of my worst things.  I want what I want and I want it now.  I hate waiting.  I hate that I have to count on other people to help me make things happen.  Can't we just get on with it!

And So It Begins...

This Friday I have my first job interview in over 10 years.  Quite honestly, I cannot even believe it's happening.  I haven't been looking all that long, I haven't applied to too many places and I've had a very defeatist attitude about it.  My reality is that I have not worked outside my home for 11 years.  I do not have a very professional look.  My skills are rusty.  This doesn't exactly sound like the makings of a good job candidate IMO.  My friends kept telling me to be confident.  That any company would be lucky to have me.  That my life experience over the past 11 years is invaluable.  I kind of thought they were blowing smoke up my ass!  But maybe it worked.  I started to see things a little differently.

And then a miracle happens.  After only about 3 or 4 weeks of looking, company saw my resume online and actually wants to meet with me.  It's an interesting business and it's in my ideal location.  I have an interview on Friday.  I'm absolutely terrified!

I haven't been in an office setting for so long and when I was it was so laid back.  In fact, it was just me and one other person and most of the time she traveled so I was alone.  I loved it.  Quite frankly if that office hadn't been closed down I might even still be there.  Eh, maybe not.  I think I would have had to eventually branch out and discover myself.   But that's besides the point.  I'm talking about the here and the now.  And the now is, that I have a job interview.  On Friday.  And I have 3 days left to prepare myself.  I need clothes to hide visible tattoo's.  I need to familiarize myself with the company.  I need to find a portfolio in my room of crap and make a few copies of my resume to have on hand.  I need to calm the fuck down and take everyone's advice and just go in and be myself.

It's my first interview and I don't expect it to equate to actually getting a job.  I suppose stranger things have happened, but it seems unlikely.  I guess that's probably the wrong attitude to have as well so I will have to adjust that mindset by Friday too.

I've discovered so many things I want in life over the past year... well discovered is probably the wrong word, it's more like realized or even let myself finally think about those things, and the first step in getting what I want is getting a job.  Once I have it, then plans can be made and things can start happening.  It's an exciting time, a scary time, and OMG a seriously amazing time in my life right now.  The biggest thing that I have realized through all this self discovery is, it's not too late!

You Are Beautiful

Last week was my niece J's graduation from 8th grade.  If you didn't go to Catholic school you probably didn't have one of these.  It's all pretty goofy and pointless but it makes the kids feel important as they are about to head to high school.  Over the past few months, J and I have grown a lot closer since she chose me to be her Confirmation sponsor.  She is so much like me, in both good and bad ways, it's kind of freakish.  She looks exactly how I looked at 14 years old.  She's sensitive and has anxiety like I do.  She's smart and she likes to write.  She digs vampires.  She loves animals and has a huge heart.   Where we differ is how athletic she is.  She plays soccer, basketball, softball.  I never did any of those things.

She's a great kid, all around.  But for some reason, she never, in 9 years at that school (she also went to kindergarten there) made a friend.  She's a bit shy but for some reason the kids at her school never accepted her and with only about 11 girls in her whole class, once friendships were established that was that.  Those friendships were established in kindergarten.  She has, at times, eaten lunch in the office because she has no one to sit with.  When she does venture the cafeteria, she is ignored.  She was never included in any way.  The stupid ass school did nothing about this disgusting treatment.  Of course what you expect from a Catholic school.  They sweep everything under the rug. 

A few weeks ago it was her birthday.  And at her school, on a students birthday the kids decorate the birthday kids locker and desk.   J went to school that morning and was greeted with nothing.  No decorations anywhere.  The only kid in her class who did not receive this special treatment for her birthday.  And she was devastated.  Being a 14 year old girl already sucks, but being one with such friend problems is even worse.  I didn't have this kind of problem when I was in school.  It did take me awhile to find my way, be who I was and not worry about what anyone else thought, but I got there around the age J is now.  I think she may have gotten there too.

She's come to the end of her time at that school and cannot wait to get out.  A new school, potential new friends, and some of the bitches are going to a different school.  A new beginning for her.  The school had the graduation ceremony and a reception following.  She didn't want to go, she owed these kids nothing.  But her mom and dad didn't want her to miss out on it so she was made to go.  With only 23 students graduating, the parents were to bring their child up to the church altar to be presented as a graduate.  One parent could speak and then the graduate got to speak.   I watched as one by one, the girls that turned this beautiful girl into a sad and lonely child went up to the altar and said similar things, "My time at this school has strengthened my relationship with God and has made me the person I am today."  Sitting there in the back of the church with my dad, which is another tale for another day, my mind wandered ... "made you the person you are today?  And what would that be?  A mean spirited little bitch?"  I had brief glimmers of feeling bad for thinking that way while in church, but my love for J is more powerful than thinking a curse word in church.

And then it was time for J to go up.  My brother and sister in law went up to the altar with her and presented her.  And then J took the mic.  What came out of her was stunning and beautiful and in essence a big fat fuck you to every one of those girls.  She started out with one of my all time favorite quotes by Dr. Seuss, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”  From there she went on to say how her time at that school has taught her what a true friend is, and a true friend is not someone who cares how you look or what you wear, but is someone you can tell all you secrets to and they will never judge you.  With tears rolling down my face, it was all I could do to restrain myself from jumping up and down and screaming from the back of the church, "you tell them J!!!"  


I made sure to tell her how proud I was of her.   How much I loved what she said and how no matter what, her auntie will always be there for her.  She's beautiful, inside and out.  And while I'm not a fan of this particular singer, I leave you with this song today because it conveys the emotions I feel and my love for J.

Realizing My Worth

Throughout the years, there have been times in my life when I have felt like nothing.  Like next to nothing.  Could it be because I had no relationship with my father until I was in my late 20's?  Could it be a boyfriend who made me feel that way?  Could it be betrayal by a trusted friend?  I always wonder, what did I do wrong?  What did I do that made you not want to be around me?   What did I do that made you break up with me?  What did I do that drove you to stab me in the heart? When you feel like that, it doesn't really matter what other people say to reassure you.  You feel how you feel and only the person who makes you feel that way can really change it.  Most of the time, they don't even know they are doing it so you're kind of fucked. 

When I was a kid, I probably didn't realize that dad's talked to their kids, played ball, helped with homework, whatever.  It wasn't until I got a little older that it really clicked that something was wrong here.  And by the time I realized it, I was used to it and I knew it was the booze.  And yet, there is still that piece of insecurity that totally fucks with your head.  It wasn't until two years ago that my worth to my father slapped me in the face.

He was ill.  Isn't that the biggest piece of cliche bullshit?  An illness pulls a family together.  But that's what happened.  He was ill, while on vacation in Florida visiting my sister.  When it became apparent this was not minor, my brother and I hopped a plane to FL.  I ended up staying a total of eight weeks (going home once for a couple days to get more clothes and take care of my life), while my father endured four surgeries ultimately resulting in the amputation of his right leg at mid-thigh, due to complications of diabetes.  And while recovering, he suffered a stroke.   The stroke was minor, thankfully and really only affected his ability to speak.  He can speak, but very often he's garbled.  He can't articulate what he wants to say very easily anymore.

As time went on, he did start to improve and I had to get back to my life.  One day we were alone in his hospital room, my mom had gone out to make a phone call.  So we were talking and I said to him, "you know, you're starting to get better, you know what that means?"   He shrugged.  I said, "It means I'm going to be going home."  Immediately my father burst into tears the likes of which I had never seen in my life.  I have never ever seen my father cry, let alone the sobbing cries he was doing now.  He didn't cry when his own father and mother passed away.  He didn't cry when the doctors told him his leg was coming off.  He didn't cry after he had a stroke.  He cried because I was going home and leaving him.  In a panic, I called my mother back in and she soothed him as I went out in the hall to freak out.

Then the more I thought about it, the more I thought it had nothing to do with me at all.  It was a culmination of everything he was feeling about his situation and somehow, someway it came out at that time.  This is where the self doubt, the thinking I'm shit, the idea that I've always been nothing, comes back to haunt me.  It couldn't be about me.  Why would it be?  So I was cool with it, it's business as usual.

And then, several days later when I am actually going home I asked for my mom and my sister to give me a few minutes alone with him to say goodbye.  It's not like we were never going to see each other again.  I was going home to make my home livable for him.  He and my mother were moving into my house while he continued to recover.  They would be coming home in a few weeks.  So I went into his room to say good bye and he knew.  He knew why I asked everyone to leave, and he laid their on his bed, shaking his head "no."  Did he not want to hear it?  Did he not want to say goodbye?  Did he not want me to go?  I told him I had to go, I had to get things ready and I would be at the airport waiting for him when he got home.  And it happened again.  That violent burst of tears as he grabbed my hand.  This time, I couldn't talk myself out of what I mean to him.  I felt it wash over me.  The gratitude he felt for my being there for him and my mother and taking control of the situation and the doctors.  The love, yes love, that I finally truly felt.  It only took 42 years, but it'll last me a lifetime.