When You Want It...

... nothing else will do.

That's kind of how I feel at the moment.   I had a job interview last week.  And honestly, I put no expectations on it at all.  When I applied, I didn't know what I was actually applying to.  I didn't know where it was or what it was all about.  My sister posted the job listing to my Facebook wall, a listing she saw on a friends wall and, knowing I've been looking she thought why not post it to me.  So, sure, what the heck.  I'll apply.   And wouldn't you know, they emailed me for an interview.

When I got that email I almost immediately turned down the interview because it was then that I saw where the company was located, and it was pretty far from where I live.  Probably at least an hour drive each way.  I even wrote the reply turning down the interview, but something stopped me from sending it.  I deleted it and rewrote the reply telling them when I was available to interview that week.  We set it up for last Thursday.  And I kind of dreaded it a little.  The drive, that drive!   It kind of haunted me.

For once, I wasn't really nervous about going to an interview.  My mindset was that this was merely for the experience of interviewing.  There is no way I'm going to take a job with such a long commute.  I'll just go, have another interview under my belt and that's that.  So off I go with my little GPS program for the Iphone.  And a funny thing happened.  It wasn't over an hour, it was about 43 minutes.  Hmmm, I'm stunned by this, but suddenly it doesn't seem as daunting.  The drive was very easy, all highway, and felt very fast.  This is actually doable.  But still, I don't want to get ahead of myself.

Considering I gave myself an hour and 15 minutes to get there, just to be safe, I'm SUPER early for the interview.  I sat in my car for a few minutes, but then just said fuck it, and went in.  It was small, with a little sitting area with a leather sofa, a huge dry erase board in front of it, a funky swag light, a bookshelf and a very large portrait on the wall.   On the other side there were three cubicles, one of which was pictured in the job listing when I applied.  And no people.  No one was there.  One of the cubicles had a nice computer set up that was running, and well, the door was open so I knew someone was around.   So I sat on the sofa and waited, looking around.   What I noticed immediately was that the computer set up was Mac.  Ahhh Mac!  I'm a Mac girl through and through and part of the problem I'm having with my job search is that I don't have much Windows/Office experience and that is what most everyone wants.

After I'm there for a few minutes, a guy comes out of the back and is a little surprised to see me.  I tell him that yes, I'm super early because I didn't know how long it would take me to find the place.  He  has long hair, is wearing jeans, and the pièce de résistance, he's wearing a Radiohead t-shirt!  I immediately feel at ease and like I have really stumbled upon the right place.  And so the interview commences and it's amazing.  The place is a start up, but it's gaining speed and things are moving fast.  They need someone soon and it's all clicking into place.  This is where I want to be.  This is where I belong.  This job was made for me.

Alas, I have to meet with the other partner who is not there that day so we immediately set up a second interview.   That was this past Monday.  A second interview?  What do I do?  I have a standard interview uniform that I wear, but now that I have a second interview I can't exactly wear it again.  So I must find something else.  I settle on black pants, a black tank top and a zebra striped cardigan over it. And as I'm getting dressed I realize that my tits have a mind of their own and refuse to be contained in the tank top.  I'm standing in front of the mirror and all I see is cleavage.   This just will not do.  I cannot go to an interview with a CEO of a company looking like Busty McGee!  I'm slightly panicked because I don't have a huge wardrobe and I don't know what I'm going to wear now.  I tried, really tried to pull the tank top up so it wasn't overly revealing but it just didn't work.  I finally settle on a different zebra sweater, one that buttons to just below the neck with no chance of a wardrobe malfunction.

And I'm off.  Once again I'm stunned by the shorter amount of time it has taken me to get there.  Again it was about 43 minutes, give or take.  This time when I walked in, only a few minutes early, both guys were there, working at their desks.  Yes this is a small office.  It would be the two guys and me.  That's all.  That is my kind of work environment!  What I mean is small... no politics, no bitchy back stabbing.    That was how my last job was, just me and the director and it was great.  I worked there 10 years and loved it.  I have everything they need.  I have all the qualifications, experience and I'm ready to just start.  But for whatever reason, the second interview has made me feel self conscious and a little uneasy.  The person I met with this time wasn't as laid back as the first and I didn't have that immediate feeling of relax, even though the first thing he said was that they were informal and I should not feel uptight about the interview.  And so we talked, and it was nice and he was nice but I didn't have the same feeling.   I guess it's because this guy kept talking about my commute and how far I live and he said even though that in and of itself is not a deal breaker, it is a concern.

I left there unsure of myself, unsure that I would be able to land this job.  They plan to make a decision soon, so now it's just a waiting game.  My hope is that they do not find someone with the experience I have who is closer to the office.  In my thank you letter for the interview I made it very clear that I want this job, and if you're so inclined you can again steal my line, "I really hope you'll give me a chance to prove to you what an asset I would be to your organization. "  I liked it.  It's not vague and conveys my desire to work there.  That should count for something shouldn't it?

This. Is. Crazy.

Dear Lalia 12 years ago,

I know you just left a job you loved, and not by choice but by circumstance of the branch being closed down.  It is what it is.  But girl, you have mad skills!  You are in demand so don't take too much time off.  Get back on that horse and find the next job of your dreams.

Love, you

Dear Me,

But, but, but....  You know as well as I do that I probably never would have left my job voluntarily.  So now that it's been taken from me, it's my chance to do something completely different, completely out of the box.  I love to cook, what if I try starting my own catering business.  I can work out of my house and it'll be great!  That's what I'm going to do.

Thanks, love you.... Lalia

It was great.  For a short time.  Until the economy took a nosedive.  Until I realized I couldn't cater jobs by myself.  Until I didn't have enough room in my house to store large trays of food or to cook large trays of food.  Until it wasn't great anymore.  So where does that leave me?   It's 12 years later and the economy is still in the shitter.  Money is tight and I need to work.  So I decide to go back to what I know, office work.  Well that's what I thought I'd be doing anyway.  There are jobs to be had, but the pay scale is so awful it's hard to wrap my hairdo around what is going on.

I had a job interview this week.  It sounded really good, interesting, different and even fun.  And the best part, they use Mac computers.  I'm a Mac girl through and through.  I love all things Apple.  I cried when Steve Jobs died.  I want to change my name to iLalia.  And Mac jobs are few and far between.  They pretty much don't exist unless you are in some kind of graphic design field.  This job is not exactly graphic design but along those lines.  It was pretty exciting to be called for an interview on this one.  So I went and all was well.  The job was nothing like anything I had done before but they seemed interested in me.  They seemed thrilled with all my Mac experience.   So I am liking how this is going.  Until they told me the salary.  $10 and hour.  Seriously.  $20K a year.  Do you know anyone who could live on that?  Me either.

OK yes, I've been out of work for a long time and I realize I have to start over.  But that is less than I was making 12 years ago.  Cost of living has changed.  Gas prices have changed.  Everything has changed.  I never thought I'd be making less than I was making back then.  Maybe the same, but most likely I expected a bit more because of cost of living changes.  So not the case.  

So what does one do, other than brood and cry and lament the fact that by trying to establish my own business I have in essence ruined my life.  Maybe that's not true, but it feels true.  There are so many things I want to do.  So many things out of my reach because I cannot find a job that will pay me enough to make those changes happen.  Do I change course and try a whole different line of work again?  Go with what you know seems logical.  But how can you go with what you know when everyone is struggling so much that companies can't pay better salaries?

When I'm in an interview and am asked the question, "What are you looking for?" My standard answer, with pauses at the appropriate times so it looks like I'm just making this up on the fly (ha!), is "Well... I'd like to be in a place where I like the people I'm working with.   Where I don't dread going everyday and where I'm doing work I can be proud of."  In both interviews I've had, I've used this line (it actually was on the fly in the first interview and went over so well I decided to use it again in the next one).  Both interviewers loved it, so feel free to use it if you find yourself in a similar position and are asked that question.  The thing is, it's not bullshit.   I do want to be around people I like, doing work I can be proud of, in a place I won't dread going to.  I'm 46 years old, on a fast track to 47.  I don't want to be one of those people on Facebook who posts some whiney ass graphic every Monday morning that declares how much Monday's suck.  I just want to be able to make ends meet.  It's not really a lot to ask.  But at the moment it feels completely unattainable.

PS... sorry all my posts are so angsty lately.

Jobless

Several weeks ago I wrote about my first job interview in 11 years.  Against all odds I landed that interview and against even more odds, it went amazingly well.  Seriously well.  In fact it went so well I thought I was a shoe in.  I tried not to think that, but I felt it.

I was pretty terrified.  I guess in the big scheme I don't know why I'm filled with such terror.  Really, what's the worst that can happen?  They don't hire me.  Anyway, the very first thing he said to me was, "I don't like to conduct traditional interviews, I'd rather just talk."  BIG PHEW!   I can talk to anyone.  This was going to be a breeze.  And it was.  We hit it off so easily and talked about everything from what the company does, and what they expect of the person they hire to what I've been doing for the past 11 years and my work experience previous to that.  We talked about how we both have iPads and talked about some of our fave apps.  And as we were winding down the interview and he was giving me the particulars of when they want someone in place, he said to me, "let me get you all the new hire paperwork."  Holy shit!  Now do you see why I thought I was a shoo in?   I know I've been out of the job game for awhile but is that the norm?  When I got home and opened the packet it consisted of company policies, a form to fill out if I want direct deposit, insurance applications.  All the things you need when you are hired at a new company.  

After that interview I felt amazing!   Confident and calm.  Happy and feeling like yes, everything was falling into place.  It was amazing.  It's very true that when you are feeling that good about yourself, people notice and look at you differently.  I know this because right afterward I was pumping gas and must have been smiling or something because the guy who was pumping gas into his motorcycle at the pump across from me was staring.  Then he gave me the up and down look and, I shit you not, I got one of these...

And I'm all...

I had several days of being on cloud nine.  So confident and at the same time shocked that it was happening.  It was really happening.  I made a plan, followed through and it was all happening according to that plan.  

And now it's a little over a month later and nothing.  No job.  I did all the right things.  I wrote a thank you note after the interview and mailed it, with a stamp and everything.  I emailed a few weeks later to make sure they knew I was still interested and when I still didn't get a call, a week or so later I called to find out if the position had been filled.  At that time I was told it hadn't, that I was still in the running and that a decision would be made within a week and I would hear back either way.  That was two weeks ago.  I haven't heard back either way.  I suppose we could argue that since I haven't heard anything either way that they delayed the hiring again or haven't made a decision.  But the confidence I was feeling has plummeted and I now believe that I have not gotten this job.  And the unfortunate thing is that I have no other interviews lined up.  I never stopped sending out resumes, but I have nothing on the horizon.  And that sucks.  Patience is definitely not my best thing.  In fact it's one of my worst things.  I want what I want and I want it now.  I hate waiting.  I hate that I have to count on other people to help me make things happen.  Can't we just get on with it!