Missing You

I miss you.  I want to text you so bad.  I want to talk to you.  I can't tell you again how much you mean to me.  You know.  I guess that's why you pushed me way so stupidly and so brutally.  You have to know that I get it, that you did what you did because for some reason you felt you had to.   I just wish you had gone the honest route instead of the cowardly one.  I hope it didn't feel good to hurt me so badly.  If it did, don't ever tell me so because that takes it to a whole new level of pain.

People in the know are glad, glad you have taken yourself out of my life.  But I never listened to anyone before and I'm not going to start now and I'm not glad.  I don't feel relieved.  I don't feel a weight lifted because you're gone.  I just feel sad, and empty and that something is missing.  You.  You're missing.  And I hate it.

How could you turn your back on me so easily?   Friends since 1987.  That is a long time.  Was it easy?  In retrospect if all feels so forced, planned.  That night, you were looking for anything to fight about.  What you settled on and what ultimately ended our friendship and whatever else we had is not something that would end a 27 year friendship.  And when I think about it, sometimes I'm crushed, other times I'm just angry.  So so angry that you turned your back on me.

It's been a month.  It's taken me this long to put these feelings on paper.  It's taken me this long trying to make sense of a senseless situation to realize there never will be any sense to it.  It took me 2 minutes after our fight to realize it was purposeful.  At the time, I was so shocked and going on instinct to fight you back, to try and hurt you back.  And I hate that I stooped to that level.  I hate that I said some of the things I said.  I was so upset, so crushed.  So decimated by you, again.  I console myself with that old saying.... you always hurt the ones you love.

No matter how many times I tell myself that I'm better off, my heart won't listen.  My heart wants you in my life.  My heart wants your friendship back.  You weren't always a good friend but at times you were the best friend.   At times you would say something to me that was so insightful, so right into my soul, that I thought there could be no one on this earth who knows me the way you do.  How you did that always blew my mind.  And no matter how many times you told me you're a dick, I didn't fully believe it until that night.  It was like an image you tried to keep going, but it never fooled me.  I saw that side of you that you don't show too many people.  And I still believe that, but I also will know that despite that other side, you're truly a dick too.  And that's ok.  A lot of times I feel like a total asshole.  But you saw the other side.  

You brought things out of me that I didn't know were there.  You were encouraging and supportive of me when I needed it most.  You made me love you again, not that I ever stopped.  And then you tore it away, again.  I didn't think I could ever live through the pain of losing you a second time.  But I guess I have.  But it's a pain that lingers.

Life is short.... I hope it doesn't take too long for you to find your way back, again.

Stepping Back in Time

There's been an interesting phenomenon going on lately.  Several of the local punk bands from the 80's, my heyday, have been reuniting and playing gigs.  I haven't been able to attend all but I have attended several.  Last week one of them played at an old haunt, the Phantasy Night Club.  It's been many many years since I've been to the Phantasy, like double digit many years.  But the minute I stepped through the door I felt like I was walking back in time.

After walking in, to the left is the door that once was a vintage clothing store.  Directly in front of you, an old mural of The Beatles.  And then, the staircase.  The stairs that lead up the club.  How did I make it up and down those stairs on so many nights of drunken debauchery without falling down them?  I can't even fathom how I did it.  Then through the entrance and the first thing you see is the giant pirate ship in the middle of the club.  Seriously, a giant pirate ship.  It had a table and booth seats in it, enough to fit about 6 people, maybe.  Many nights were spent sitting in the boat, talking and laughing with my friends.  There's even audio proof of our silliness, but that is just too embarrassing to say anything more about!

To the left of the entrance are the restrooms and straight ahead is the bar and small bar area.  And to the right of that are some tables and chairs.  There's also a dance floor and another area of seating across from the first one and a stage, of course.  It all looked and felt exactly the same.  Eerily the same.  I was even with the friends I hung out there with, R and M, remembering old times and the great, and not so great bands we saw there.  I saw some faves... Redd Kross, Sonic Youth, and so many others, both in the Club and in the Theatre next door.  New Year's Eve's were spent there.  Friends bands played there.  I even have been on that stage myself, singing backup vocals for our friends band.  It's also the place where I infamously passed out from being so drunk that R took a Sharpie pen and drew big peace signs on my cheeks with Peace and Love written under each.

I have been loving the walk down memory lane.  I've felt more like myself since these shows and these reconnects with old friends than I have in years.  It's not that I want to go back in time.  We were crazy kids and had the best of times.  But being in the present is good too.  We're all older and wiser and I feel like having these guys back in my life now is how it should be.  Being out of touch with old friends for a long time, the immediate thought is, "we wasted so much time" but we didn't.  We moved on, made lives for ourselves and eventually realized the people we knew then, they're important.

This Saturday is another night out.  It's not an old band reunion but it is old friends who were in bands back then who have formed a new band.  I can't wait to see who I will run into and I can't wait to see the ones I already know will be there.

Yeah, they suck.  But it was still fun!