Lasting Love

I've been pondering a lot lately, the idea of lasting, even everlasting, love.  I always thought that once you loved someone, truly and wholly, that love never fades.  So I wonder, if you felt love for someone and then you don't, does that mean you never truly loved them in the first place?

I can easily, with no doubts in my mind or heart, say that I love the two friends I've reconnected with this year.  I have always loved them, and will always love them.  When you are apart for so many years, but never stop thinking of that person, and then you are back again in each others lives and you have the same feelings you did, yes, that is a true and lasting love.  And it warms the cockles.  I feel happy when I think of them (and others too, but right now I'm focused on this reconnection phenomenon).  I'm not talking about romantic love although I'm not sure there should be different distinctions when you talk about love.

But right now I am finding that I do not feel love for someone I thought I did.  Does it mean there never was love?  Or it was mistaken for something else?   Or is there only so much lies, deception and betrayal someone can take before they lose that love.  I thought it was true.  I thought it was whole.  I felt a connection that I couldn't really explain.  It seemed so fated for us to meet and become friends.  It seemed so right, even though everyone I knew told me it was so very wrong.  The warnings I received from so many people feel on deaf ears because I knew in my heart that we were meant to be friends, friends for life.  I ignored smaller deceptions because in the big scheme of things they didn't seem important.  But when the big pain hit, it changed things.  Things would never be the same.  Some pains are just too deep.  And while I have received an apology, twice, it doesn't change the fact that it happened and that it didn't have to happen.  It was avoidable.

I have forgiven. I have to.  I can't hold on to that type of anger. But I can't forget how it felt to have my heart ripped out of my chest.  Maybe the pain is still too fresh and that will fade too.  I've said before that I have no regrets, and I don't.  I like to think I meant something, even though it's over now.  I have to believe something positive came out of it for both of us.  But it doesn't answer the question... does love last forever?  And if it does, where is the love I once felt now?

This Music Mayhem is Dedicated to L

When I was alone, on the street, nowhere to turn and full of despair, you were there.  You picked up the phone, brushed me off, dried my tears and listened with compassion.   I will never be able to thank you enough for being there when I needed it most.  Sending you much love....

I'm pulling through and it's because of you 

When I was stranded came your helping hand  

Lonely, hurt I had not known which way to turn 

'Til you said, "Try smiles, not tears, just laugh and learn" 

I'm pulling through and it's because of you 

You made me see how lovely life could be 

Lifted up my heart and made me count the cost 

To find I'd gained, not lost 

When I thought that hope was really gone 

You showed me I was wrong 

And you taught me how to carry on 

Thanks for the lift in time, and thanks for your song

I'm pulling through and it's because of you 

I'd do the same for you if your turn came 

Hope it never will for I've been through the mill 

I won't forget this debt, I'm pulling through 

When I thought that hope was really gone 

You showed me I was wrong 

And you taught me how to carry on 

Thanks for the lift in time, and thanks for your song 

I'm pulling through and it's because of you 

I'd do the same for you if your turn came 

Hope it never will for I've been through the mill 

I won't forget this debt, I'm pulling through

You Rool

It takes a long time to be the person you want to be.  At least I found that to be true in my case.  At 45, on the fast track to 46 and thus, closer to 50 than to 40 (OMG), I have gotten to a point in my life where I very much like me.  When that question comes up "would you want to be friends with you?" my answer is fuck yes!  I would definitely want to be friends with me, if I weren't me.

I'm not perfect, nor is my life.  I get cranky and irritable.  I have a quick temper.  I have very little patience for stupidity.  I could stand to lose some weight (ok, more than some).  I'm almost always close to broke.  I cry a lot and very easily (Italian trait, my mom's the same way and so was my Grandma).  I curse like a sailor.  But on the other hand, I would never turn my back on a friend.  I will always take your call or text, or answer your email.  I will be the most supportive person for you in any of your endeavors.  While I may not always agree with you, I will never judge you for what you believe or feel.  I will listen when you need it, help or give advice when wanted.  I will always give of myself.  It's the best I can do and hopefully it's enough.  Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.  I will always be honest with you.  Besides those things, you'll always hear great music when you're with me.  You'll never be bored when eating with me.  I love to laugh.  I'm bawdy, in the best possible way.  And loyal to the core.

"The most I can do for my friend is simply 

to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow 

on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving 

him, he will want no other reward. Is not 

friendship divine in this?"

Henry David Thoreau

And still, given all that, sometimes it does end up not being enough.  It's a hard realization to come to when it isn't.  I think I've changed a lot over the past four years.  Hell I've changed a lot over the past two years.  For the better, maybe for the worse in some eyes.  I think I'm a lot more open now, about a lot of things, but especially sexuality.  I suspect some find that off putting.  But the way I see it, when you discover something great, you just want to shout it from the rooftops.  Well, wait... that didn't come out quite right.  I'm not saying I never knew great sex before.  I'm saying by letting go of hang ups that are driven into your brain when you grow up Catholic or repressed or whatever it is, a new world opens up.  It took me until about the age of 41 or 42 to really appreciate myself as a sexual being and let go of those hang ups.  And another two years to articulate them.  And I have no intentions of going backwards.  Maybe that is too open for some in "some things are better left unsaid" kind of way.  But to that I say, respect my differences from you as I respect your differences from me.  After all isn't that what makes the world go round.

But it's not just that.  Some bad experiences have taught me a lot.  Sometimes no matter how much you give of yourself, it will never be enough for some people or they just want more.  And they want more on their terms.  How can that be?  Perhaps there are just some people who believe you should react or act how they would in any given situation.  And that is a pretty unrealistic expectation.  But I've learned I can't be anyone else but me in any given situation.  When a dilemma comes up I react how I'm going to react, I don't think "how would XX react to this" and then act accordingly.  That's just stupid.  I am, if nothing else, always true to me, lumps and all.

Where on the pile of good discoveries or bad discoveries does this one go?  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  When I care about you, you know it.  When I love you, you know it.  Is that good or bad?  Maybe it's both.  On the one hand, people need to know they are loved and cared about.  On the other, the people who don't have the best of intentions can take advantage of that love.  And that's when it becomes a bad thing that causes a deep hurt.  I've been hurt because of it.  In the past and recently.  And yet, I wouldn't change it.  It's part of what makes me, me.  You have to love yourself, no matter what, or how do you expect anyone else to love you.

I've run the gamut of emotions over the past two weeks and my conclusion to it all is, I have no regrets.  I gave my heart to someone I thought gave me theirs back.  I opened myself up and in return, I mostly got a lot back.  I was going to say I wouldn't change a thing but I would change the pain it caused me.  I don't know where we go from here.  Maybe nowhere, maybe somewhere.  I do know that I will never regret loving someone. Ever.  No matter how much it ends up hurting in the end.

Maybe This is More Clear

If you read Dirty Laundry, no further explanation is needed.  I think this pretty much says it all.  And while it's not my usual genre of music, there is something so delicious about it.

And although there's pain in my chest

I still wish you the best with a...

Fuck you!

Dirty Laundry

Is that what I'm doing here? Airing my dirty laundry?  I don't think so.  You who read this blog don't know the half of what goes on in my head.  So given that, I think I've been pretty restrained.

Old Rose in the movie Titanic said, "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets," and she was so right.  I have secrets.  I have secrets only a few know and I have secrets no one knows.  Not one living soul.  Isn't that what makes women mysterious?  Interestingly, I started this blog as an outlet to share memories, stories, and yeah those secrets and yet, I find myself holding back from full disclosure.  I've told you plenty, probably more than you ever wanted to know.  And I'm sure I still will but some things I really have to keep for me.  I want to tell you, I want to talk about different things and I want advice on them more than anything else.  But still, I hold back. I'm not exactly sure why.  It's not about what people will think of me.  Opinions on that subject are already formed and not a concern of mine.  I am who I am.  I guess maybe I hold back because those things are mine, and mine alone.  I write about them in my Bite Me book, which is actually my journal.  It's the perfect outlet. If it had a head, it would spin at some of the things I've told it. What will I ever do when I fill up the Bite Me book? Get another one I guess.

I've been writing in it a lot lately.  A real lot.  It has been awhile since I've experienced such a broken heart like the one I am experiencing now.  And my Bite Me book is the perfect place to store that heartache.  How do you move past it?  That ache you get when someone you care about lets you down.  I'm not sure how to move past it and keep the relationship intact.  Is it even possible? Should I even want to?  That's what I struggle with, the fact that, as hurt as I am, I don't want to lose this person.  It gnaws at me.  It makes me think I'm a fool. But switching off feelings is not something I find very easy to do.  Does wanting to continue the relationship tell this person that hurting me was OK?   Does it signify a weakness in me, or a strength that I am trying to get past it and keep the friendship?  At the moment I say weakness.  I've been down this road. This road of being hurt by someone I cared so much about.  I held on and held on and the hurt kept piling up.  More and more. When the first hurt happens is it then a game to see how far one can be pushed before they crack into a million pieces?

I don't know what to do.  I don't know where to go.   I feel lost.   The Bite Me book doesn't answer the questions I have, it just stores them.  And I have so many questions.  Only one person can answer them and at the moment trusting those answers will be extremely difficult.  Good word, trust.  Can a trust so violated ever be rebuilt?  Maybe my expectations were just too high.

I guess in the big scheme I've pretty much told you nothing.  But reading it back the pain is palpable.  But when you give your heart to someone, pain is a possibility.

Music Mayhem

Yes, I think I will change the name of my Wednesday music posts from Way Out Wednesday to Music Mayhem.  It's way more me and doesn't confine me to one day if I want to post more music or post on any given day.   So let today be the start of Music Mayhem!

This song just popped into my head a few minutes ago and it was like a flash of lightning. It amazes me how that happens, how a song can just arrive on the scene and put everything you're feeling into a neat little 2 and a half minute bow.

Was it destiny
I don't know yet
Was it just by chance? Could this be Kismet?
Something in my consciousness told me you'd appear

Now I'm always touched by your presence dear

Wow, it's powerful.  And meaningful.  It is to me anyway.  It speaks to me and what is in my heart.  What's difficult about matters of the heart is whether you follow them or not. Is what the heart wants, the right thing?  I don't have that answer, if I did I probably wouldn't be such a train wreck.