It was the spring of 1987. Things were good. I was happily dating R who I was crazy about. I was regularly hanging out with friends, going to shows, getting hammered and basically creating chaos and mayhem whenever possible. One night me, R and our friend M, owner of that big ass LTD, decided to head over to Kent to catch a band. JB's Down was a regular haunt of ours. JB's Down, the place of legend and warm Rolling Rock or Stroh's. I regularly smuggled in my own alcohol because the choices left much to be desired. They either never caught on or didn't care. It had maybe 10 tables that were all off kilter and assorted chairs and then what looked like church pews in the back. The bathrooms were the most disgusting ever. But they had a big stage and it was in Kent, a college town, so bands played there regularly.
On this particular night, we got to JB's and met up with Butthole (the
aforementioned Butthole that used to regularly stay at my apartment) and J. J, M and Butthole were having a hell of time pounding beers that night and R and I... well, we were feeling frisky so we headed outside to M's car. The beauty of a big ass car is that big ass back seat. After we got in and were fooling around a little, I suddenly felt something uncomfortable on my back. Reaching under myself, I pulled a billy club out from under me. Things are about to get interesting! At the time M was working part time as a security officer. We couldn't help but wonder what else was lurking around this giant car. So we started looking and what did we find under the seat? Handcuffs. Game on! R wasted no time and handcuffed me to the door handle before I knew what was going on. To say that being handcuffed and at his mercy was fucking fantastic would be an understatement. But alas, neither of us had come prepared for some down and dirty fleshy fun time so while fun was being had by all, we did have to hold back some. That is until R had the brilliant idea to look in M's glove compartment. I have to hand it to M, that boy was prepared! Inside that glove compartment was a whole box of condoms. Oh yes. Did I say we had to hold back? Well not for long! That was probably one of the best times I ever had in a car in my life. And luckily, we also found the keys to the cuffs.
After awhile, with two big shit eating grins on our faces, we wobbled back towards JB's to see how M was doing. What we were met with was Butthole and J carrying M out of the bar. M was thoroughly hammered and couldn't even walk. He very recently filled me in on a little exchange that happened between him and J at this point. J: "So sorry M. So sorry I drank you under the table." M: "Fuck you J, just get me to my car."
R and I took M from there and got him back to the car where he immediately passed out in the back seat, the same back seat that was so recently used for a much more interesting purpose. Turns out M didn't know about that until very recently. Thanks M, thanks for letting me fuck in your car and play with your toys. That car will forever hold a special place in the cockles of my heart.
So, R took the wheel and I kept an eye on M to make sure he was OK. That is until he hurled all over the back seat of his car. Not good. And he hurled all over his rent a cop uniform! Making a 45 minute drive with hurl in the car and a moaning and groaning friend is not fun. Not fun at all. But what choice did we have? We got M home and in his parents house and because we were such great friends, we left the car as is so he could clean up the hurl the next day. It's a lesson everyone needs to learn at least once, right M?
