I'm Done Part I

Ever feel that way?  You're just done.  You know it.  You feel it.  It's time to move on.  That's how I feel about several things in my life, maybe even more than several.  Right now I'm focusing on one particular thing.  I'm done with All My Children.  Yes, it was canceled back in April.  Yes, it last aired September 23.  But still I haven't been done with it.  It's lingered on as fans waited to see if there would be an 11th hour save.  And when there wasn't, we commiserated our disappointment.  Now, my AMC blog remains and will remain online because there is so much of the show history on it.   So in that respect I guess I'll never truly be completely done with it.  But in my heart, in my mind, I am done. 

I've held on to it for so long.  Soap fans are nothing if not loyal, and when I say I feel done, I kind of feel like a traitor.  I suspect some soap fans will treat me like one too.  But that is not something I can worry about.  I have to do what I feel in my heart is the right thing for me.  And letting it go is the right thing for me.  I knew that from the moment it was canceled.  If you read my first post on this subject, Mixed Emotions, you can see that I was already making my peace with moving on.  But each and every time I came close to articulating it, something bizarrely AMC would happen.  I was getting ready to write this post last week when a friend told me she got me the autograph of one of my fave stars from the show, Darnell Williams.  Jesse Hubbard!   Seriously, he's one of the main reasons I started watching AMC in the first place way back when.  And so I put my thoughts on the back burner, again.   And today, as I sat down to write this again, what do I find in my mailbox delivered via Priority Mail?  A copy of People Magazine's commemorative AMC hardcover issue signed by none other than Susan Lucci!  So it keeps feeling like the forces of nature are telling me not to let it go.   How does that keep happening?  

My warmest wishes always - Susan  Lucci

And then logic takes over.  It's just a coincidence and when that bit of excitement about the latest autograph or bit of news or whatever fades, I still feel done.  I still feel like it's time to move on and end that part of my life.  And it feels right.  Holding on doesn't. 

I'm blessed.  Truly.  So very blessed.  AMC has done wonderful things for me.  I've had so many adventures.  I've met so many people.... both of the celeb variety and fellow fans.  I've made lifelong friends because of AMC.  I've met people who I never ever would have met if we didn't have AMC in common.  I've received cards, letters, gifts, and countless words of encouragement and support through the years.  When my dad was sick, AMC fans were there for me.  When my Grandma died, they were there for me again.  They have always cared and been supportive.  Yes, when I look back on my time as a Pine Valley Diva I can honestly say I'm blessed. 

So how does one walk away from it?  Believe me, I've grappled with that thought for months.  Can I do it?  Can I walk away?  Can I end a part of my life that has all at the same time given me joy, heartache and a weird level of fame?  And the answer is always yes.   Yes I can.  Because I know in my heart that there is something else for me now.  I'm not exactly sure what it is yet, but I know that there is something else that will bring me all the things (aside hopefully, from the heartache) that my AMC site has.  Maybe it's this blog.  Maybe it's the book so many have been encouraging me to write.  Maybe it's just living my life and being who I am.  Whatever it is, I can't wait to find out!

Mixed Emotions

This week All My Children was canceled.  It's still kind of hard to believe.  41 years on the air and come September, it will be gone.  It's been a part of my life since I started watching it in 1979.  And became an even bigger part of it in 1995 when I started reporting and writing about the show on the internet.  And then it became a huge part of my life in 1998 when I started my own website for it.

How I feel about it is a little hard to say.  I'm sad, absolutely.  I'm going to miss it a lot.  AMC has been very very good to me.  I love the show, I love the characters, I love the actors and actresses who have been part of it over the years.  Most of them anyway.  I have beautiful memories of storylines I've loved and bad memories of some real clunkers.  I have lots of memorabilia that I've collected or that fans have sent to me.  I have countless autographs, photos and letters from stars.  Hell I could make my own AMC museum!  It's taken up so much of my time through the years, I've had to rearrange schedules around it or around events.  And I never would have given it up.  Never.

Which brings me to the other thing I'm feeling now that it's been canceled.  FREE.  It's like a noose that has been around my neck for years suddenly got taken off.  I can see doors opening and new opportunities arising when I suddenly have more time to devote to other things.  I'm not going to be tied to my computer every Sunday anymore.  I'm not going to have to fight with crazy people who don't realize that I'm a real person but Erica Kane is not.  I won't have to justify myself to people who look down on soaps. 

It feels right.  It feels like it's time for me to move on.  I'm not leaving in a huff or in anger because I finally got sick of the crazies.  I'm not leaving because the storylines have gotten so bad that I just can't take it anymore and have nothing positive to say.  I'm not leaving at all.  It's being taken from me and I'm OK with it.  It's pretty amazing to feel this way.  I don't think I ever thought I would.  I thought I would be devastated that something that has been such a big part of my life for so many years was leaving.  I'm sure come September I will shed some tears.  I have no doubt about that actually.  But I can't help but be excited to find out what the future holds for me.  I hope whatever it is it brings me as much joy as I have gotten out of the PVB and AMC. 

When I look back on the almost 13 years I've had the website, I see that I am one lucky woman.  I have met so many wonderful people I would not have met otherwise.   I wouldn't have had my many trips to NYC and Orlando for soap events.  I would never have gone to LA for the Daytime Emmy's and had the experience of a lifetime.  I would never have gotten the amazing phone calls and letters from different stars through the years, just to say thank you for caring about the show.  I would never have had the opportunity I'm getting in July to go back to LA and meet more soap stars.   And who knows, I may never have really honed my writing the way I have over the years writing about AMC.  I may never have discovered how much that part of it is something I enjoy.  And now, come September when it's all over, maybe it will be time to write that book that so many of my friends have been telling me I should be writing.

Thank you AMC for all you've done for me.

Soapy Punk

Once upon a time, there was a girl who, at a young age, discovered that being herself really mattered.  It mattered to her.  And if it didn't matter to anyone else, then fuck them.  There are no rules that say because I am into punk rock that I can't watch a soap opera.  There are no rules that say because I'm 44 years old I can't have purple hair.  I do my thing.  My thing is just that, MY thing.  I don't give a rat's ass who doesn't like it. 

So what came first, the soap or the punk?   It was the soap, but not by much.  I started watching All My Children in 1979.  My roots in punk go back to 1980.  The funny thing is, the way I started each of them is so very different.  I started watching AMC because "all my friends were doing it."  I got into punk all on my own.  I discovered it myself, I learned about it myself, I made new friends because of it.  Those friends who were all watching AMC and turned me on to it, gone.

AMC took a back burner many many times in my life.  This goes back to the days before every household had DVR's or even VCR's.  So when I was in school, I missed it.  I never missed a new album I wanted though.  Yes album, vinyl.  I'm old, deal with it.  I do.  Badly sometimes, but I do.  So AMC became a show I watched on vacation or on a holiday.  Nothing more.  And when I was 21 and moved out of my parents house, it was years before I saw more than one show here or there if I was home sick from work or something.  But I always went back.  I can't really explain it other than it's probably part of my addictive personality. 

Punk rock never went away.  It was never put on the back burner.  It was never disregarded or forgotten.  It was always within reach.  It was there for me in my darkest hours.  It was there for me in my happiest of times.  It was there always.  And it still is.  It will always be a huge part of me.

Back in 1991, when I first got on the Internet, I looked up All My Children to see if I could catch up on what was happening in Pine Valley, like I would look up a old friend.  It was then that I struck up a conversation with the owner of an AMC site and before long he had asked me to be a contributor.  He encouraged me to write what I thought about the show when I watched it, no matter if it was good or bad.  It became a weekly review/column from a very snarky (who me?) perspective and I'm kind of proud to say, it was really quite popular.  But then the man tried to change who I was and that did not then nor does it now, fly with me.  I left and went on to start my own AMC site.  By now I had a following.  I have achieved some creepy and bizarre level of fame.  And I kind of get off on it.  I went to some AMC events through the years, and people always knew who I was.  I was the punk soap chick.  I had blue hair.  I had pink hair.   I had red hair.  I had purple hair.  I had a different color hair for every event.  Was it calculated?  Not really.  It was just me being me and doing my thing. 

Because of the AMC site, I've been stalked.  I've been hounded.  I've been hated.  I've been loved.  I've been proposed to several times.  I've had people ask for my autograph.  I've been recognized in places I never thought I'd ever be recognized.  I've been cruelly and miserably hurt by people.  I've met many many of the stars of the show.  I've been sent incredible gifts by grateful fans.  I've had some insanely good and insanely bad experiences.   And I've made some amazingly good friends who, in any other circumstance I never would have met. 

I've already written about how punk rock saved me.  And it did.  Because of punk rock I've been loved and hated.  I've been harassed.  I've had my car vandalized.  I've gone to 100's of concerts.  I've heard the best music in the world, up close.  I've heard some really bad music up close too.  I've made the most incredible friends that remain my friends 30 years later.  Because of punk rock, I've lived.

If I had to chose between these two crazy lives I lead, which would I chose?  It's no contest.  Music is infinitely more important to me. And if I gave up the AMC site today, the friends I made through it would still be my friends.  No matter who you are, your friends are the people who are there for you and care about you through thick and through thin.  They wouldn't care if I can no longer give them a scoop about who Erica Kane's next husband was going to be. 

In the end though, I'm always me.  I can't be anyone else.  If someone doesn't like it, that's their problem, not mine.  I'm just a woman who loves her punk rock and makes an escape to Pine Valley for about 42 minutes a day.