Jobless

Several weeks ago I wrote about my first job interview in 11 years.  Against all odds I landed that interview and against even more odds, it went amazingly well.  Seriously well.  In fact it went so well I thought I was a shoe in.  I tried not to think that, but I felt it.

I was pretty terrified.  I guess in the big scheme I don't know why I'm filled with such terror.  Really, what's the worst that can happen?  They don't hire me.  Anyway, the very first thing he said to me was, "I don't like to conduct traditional interviews, I'd rather just talk."  BIG PHEW!   I can talk to anyone.  This was going to be a breeze.  And it was.  We hit it off so easily and talked about everything from what the company does, and what they expect of the person they hire to what I've been doing for the past 11 years and my work experience previous to that.  We talked about how we both have iPads and talked about some of our fave apps.  And as we were winding down the interview and he was giving me the particulars of when they want someone in place, he said to me, "let me get you all the new hire paperwork."  Holy shit!  Now do you see why I thought I was a shoo in?   I know I've been out of the job game for awhile but is that the norm?  When I got home and opened the packet it consisted of company policies, a form to fill out if I want direct deposit, insurance applications.  All the things you need when you are hired at a new company.  

After that interview I felt amazing!   Confident and calm.  Happy and feeling like yes, everything was falling into place.  It was amazing.  It's very true that when you are feeling that good about yourself, people notice and look at you differently.  I know this because right afterward I was pumping gas and must have been smiling or something because the guy who was pumping gas into his motorcycle at the pump across from me was staring.  Then he gave me the up and down look and, I shit you not, I got one of these...

And I'm all...

I had several days of being on cloud nine.  So confident and at the same time shocked that it was happening.  It was really happening.  I made a plan, followed through and it was all happening according to that plan.  

And now it's a little over a month later and nothing.  No job.  I did all the right things.  I wrote a thank you note after the interview and mailed it, with a stamp and everything.  I emailed a few weeks later to make sure they knew I was still interested and when I still didn't get a call, a week or so later I called to find out if the position had been filled.  At that time I was told it hadn't, that I was still in the running and that a decision would be made within a week and I would hear back either way.  That was two weeks ago.  I haven't heard back either way.  I suppose we could argue that since I haven't heard anything either way that they delayed the hiring again or haven't made a decision.  But the confidence I was feeling has plummeted and I now believe that I have not gotten this job.  And the unfortunate thing is that I have no other interviews lined up.  I never stopped sending out resumes, but I have nothing on the horizon.  And that sucks.  Patience is definitely not my best thing.  In fact it's one of my worst things.  I want what I want and I want it now.  I hate waiting.  I hate that I have to count on other people to help me make things happen.  Can't we just get on with it!

Tag Tag Taggity Tag

Well thank you Ms. Redhead!  My friend Janine over at Reflections from a Red Head has tagged me this cute bloggers game.  Questions, answers, tags... all kinds of fun stuff and a nice little distraction from all the angst of late.

Here are the rules:

1.  The first rule of the tag is never discuss the tag... wait, no, that's not right.

1.  Post the rules
2.  Answer the questions the tagger set for the post
3.  Create 11 new questions to ask the people you've tagged (or use the existing ones)
4.  Tag people with a link to your post (it says tag 11 but I don't know 11!)
5.  Let them know they've been tagged.

Here's my Q & A

What is the thing that makes you want to get out of bed each day?  Who says I get out of bed each day?

What do you tell yourself to get through painful, difficult, or challenging times? It had been: "It has to get better."  I DO NOT and I repeat I DO NOT EVER say "it can't get much worse" because it always can.   But lately I'm trying to go more along these lines...

What can you look back on and remind yourself you were successful at, or were strong enough to come through?    My father's illness, eight months of hell, doctors, surgeries and recuperation. 

Look around you at this moment and choose one thing to smile about or be thankful for. What is it? My beautiful kitties Murphy, Jett and Bowie.  

If you could do anything at this moment to make yourself happy, what would it be? No comment. =)

Do you have a special place, real or imagined, where you go to in your mind or reality to regroup, seek peace, or just be? A nearby park that I haven't been to lately because it's about 95 fucking degrees outside every day and I can't cope with the heat.

Has there been a particular book that you have read that inspired or motivated you to seek your potential? "Fear of Flying" by Erica Jong.  There is so much in that book that made me sit back and think that there is so much more to life.

What childhood fable, fairytale, or movie stretched your imagination and sticks with you today? Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  The Gene Wilder version.  It showed that no matter what your station in life, you can achieve your hearts desire.  And there's chocolate!

What is your favorite form of art and artist (anyone and anything you consider art qualifies)? Music.  Music speaks to me.  It's always there for me.  It helps me cope.  It cheers me up.  It commiserates with me when I'm down.  It never hurts me.  

Do you have a personal anthem, a song, that reminds you of who you are and want to be, that represents the ideal of you? No, I really don't think I do.  I'll have to think on that one.

What did you experience while answering these questions? Some introspection.  A little sadness.  Some pride.

And now the taggies.... (remember, no pressure.  you don't have to play if you don't want)

Joy at Catharsis, Mary at The Adventures of Cilgin Kiz, Thom at To Gyre and Gambol, Beckey at My Really Real Reality, and Judy at The Underwear Chronicles.

Scary Exciting

I'm standing on the edge of some very big decisions.  Huge, life changing decisions.  Decisions that I have spent years thinking about.  Decisions that will change everything as I know it.  Every. Single. Thing.  It's terrifying and exciting. 

I've been complacent.  Content to live a non life.  A life of sameness.  Where nothing new ever happens.  Where no trips are taken.  Where going out has become a thing of the past.  Where I feel like I'm drowning.  Where I feel more like 76 than 46.  And the breaking point has built and built over the years. 

I've heard myself say this and when I hear myself say it, I think it sounds so fucking stupid, but it's so very true.  I ran a very popular website and message board for 13 years.  It took a lot of time.  More time than I ever really knew until I let it go in January.  Once that part of my life was closed, the amount of time I had was unreal.  And the amount of time I had to think about how I wanted different things really started to weigh on me.  And weigh on me.  And weigh on me.  More and more my thoughts turned to things I want to do, to accomplish, to change.

I've said before that it's been pointed out to me that perhaps I am having a midlife crisis.  And I've said before that I don't think that is what is happening.  And I don't.  I think I have just finally woken up.  I have finally seen that a life of nothingness is not fulfilling. The decisions that I'm making are painful and difficult.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I don't know if once the decisions are made if I will be happier.  That's the thing about really big important decisions... you have no way of knowing if they are the right ones until you actually make them and then either way you have to live with them.  So yeah, pretty scary.

So what do you do?  Do you risk everything for a chance at something better (and also risk something far worse?) or do you continue on the path of safety?  Safety sucks.  Safety is boring.  I think I'm really done with safety.  I want more... so much more.

And that brings up another question... am I being selfish?  Maybe, probably.  But so fucking what.  For so long I have lived my life for everyone else.  Everyone but me.  And I finally realize there is something wrong with that picture.  I'm 46 years old and I'm not getting any younger.  It's time to live for Lalia.